"Sometimes love can't save Everything," Vieri, a Canadian director. How Blue (Xavier Dolan) is written on the poster "Dear Mummy". Mother's Day, we do not talk about the "greatness" of motherly love, we have to talk about the difficulties behind the mother . From miscarriage, postpartum depression, breastfeeding myth, urinary incontinence to the workplace and the family balance, write to still consider whether to give birth to you, but also to the pregnant and parenting this road efforts of you, maternal love is not born, may your pain and weakness to share with us. (same field Gayon:"Do you have a man with a child?" "It is society that does not fit the dignity of men."
"Only mother is good in the world." "Every Mother's day, we will repeatedly tell the beauty of motherhood, as if motherly love is born, but did not see a woman in this anticipation, that the pain is not known."
The feminist poet Adrienne Rich, in the book "Women Born", pointed out the double-edged sword of motherhood: The female can be oppression, restriction and deprivation, or nourishment, power and empowerment.
Feminism is not "every life is the opposite", encourage every woman should pursue career success, marriage and childbirth as a symbol of "outdated", but against "mother" single imagination. Because in the patriarchal society's context, the "good mother" image is quite flat, often only to be stressed by the innate and selfless love, people will only praise your strong, but can not look at your weakness, when the woman said to take care of the child's frustration, or the idea of giving up because of fatigue, will be labeled as irresponsible "bad mother" label.
Maternal love is too "great" at the same time, each mother can only endure, to abandon the feelings of their own life are dedicated to the children, but "sometimes, love can not save everything." Canadian director Vieri. Much blue (Xavier Dolan) has been in the works "Dear Mummy" poster so written, with love, the total may not finally love, happiness and pain often depend on symbiosis.
In the name of "Great maternal love", we create the most paranoid love, but can not see the "difficult" as a mother. This difficult in pregnancy, difficult in the pregnancy of loneliness, five we can not see the plight of the mother, to every one of you, also to every mother, may be vulnerable to share with us.
1. Changes in the body and the pressure of miscarriage
The womb is sometimes not a gift, but a woman's problem. When you are not ready to have a child, you are trembling to calculate the days of your menstruation, and when you actually conceive a baby, you have 10 months to adapt to the changes in your body. As a result of hormonal changes in the body, the pregnant mummy may vomit from the early stages of pregnancy, then slowly appear some eyesight, skin, teeth, chest and so on changes; to the late pregnancy there are back pain, frequent urine, constipation, varicose veins, edema and other symptoms appear, this change also let pregnant mummy scared, afraid of a careless, lost the baby.
Abortion of the mother is always afraid of others questioned or remorse: "is not to do anything, not enough to cherish their own body, will let the baby is gone?" "Have you been thinking about getting scissors?" Or did you see a horror movie that was scared? Or what should not eat, what should not go to the place, what taboo will lead to miscarriage?
But in fact, most of the time abortion is a natural mechanism, so that those who do not have the fate of healthy growth of the embryo, the next reunion, in the three months of pregnancy, the age of 20-29-year-old girls general spontaneous abortion rate of 11%, 30-34-year-old for 15%. Don't be busy accusing, think must be pregnant mummy where do wrong, where did not look good, or is the body has a problem will be aborted, miscarriage is not punishment, this wound need more gentle to smooth. (Extended reading: not just the loss of a baby: abortion, we all should be gentle understanding of the pain )
2. Postpartum depression
"The World I knew was gone, as if there were only two of us and my children, I wanted to flee, but if I complained to others, I would be a failed mother." 」
in Taiwan, postpartum depression is prevalent, mainly due to changes in hormones and pressure to take care of children. According to the Ministry of the Interior Statistics of 2012, 30%-80% postpartum mothers will have a low postpartum depression, 10% to 15% of mothers will develop into postpartum depression. This in the postpartum period of three months to a year has the opportunity to produce, symptoms include insomnia, irritability fatigue, appetite is not normal.
Originally thought oneself the more strong, independent, responsible woman, sometimes the more prone to be postpartum depression, because they want to raise their children in the process can reach 100 points, and the frustration is all put to heart, and can not rely on people around, not accustomed to ask for help. In the face of this situation, the need for the support of the partner rather than ridicule, men can be contrary to the traditional values of society, apply for parental leave, because this is not a woman should be alone to bear. (Extended reading: ideal postpartum life: Beware of postpartum depression )
3. Breast milk is a good myth
This is a time when the mother does not breastfeed, the child will not be healthy. Jamie Oliver, a British chef, Jemioliver that the UK is one of the countries with the lowest rates of breastfeeding, and that feeding the baby with formula is a health problem, so he recently began urging new mothers to breastfeed. And a son of the song Kaide (Adele) immediately countered this brought a woman too much pressure, such as their own because of insufficient milk, to kiss breast-feeding is a difficult thing.
When a fan asked her about the idea of breastfeeding, she replied, "You know, the pressure on us is so great that it's absurd to kill." She added: "Those who are constantly giving us stress can go on and on." Because it's really hard, some women just can't do it. 」
Breastfeeding triggered a "mother war" (Mommy Wars), due to breast-feeding "sacred", leading to breastfeeding or termination of breastfeeding women, was turned into "not for the sake of the bad mother", the choice of breast milk and formula into a moral controversy. When the "breast milk is the best" medical discourse, the formation of breastfeeding is the "good mother" of the social image, will make the mother lose the dominant way of feeding the baby.
The "good" of breast milk is a sacrifice that women are not seen. In the early postpartum period, the nipple because the child sucks, breaks the skin, blisters, has the wound is the commonplace. A long time will be found, the full duration of breast-feeding constraints, the average 3-4 hours to squeeze a milk, at least five to six times a day, even at midnight to set the alarm clock to get up. and returning to the workplace of the mother more headaches, because we are not friendly to lactating mothers, few breast-feeding the public space design, can only work in the restroom alone. We see selfishness is not the mother, but this society, as long as the mother of a person to bear the pressure of breastfeeding . (Extended reading: The myth of breast milk )
4. Postpartum Urinary Incontinence Pack Diaper
Model Kristingen After a few days, in the tweet: "No one told me that the production will become at home to wear diapers," the way out of their own encounter with women in the postpartum incontinence problems easily encountered. Her friend Kim also laughs at Twitter: "Do you know that I have to wear diapers for at least 2 months after childbirth?" No one told me! #真性感 "
It's not just babies who need a diaper after childbirth, but sometimes mothers. As a result of women in the production process, the gradual decline in the fetal head, the bladder, the urethra will produce compression and displacement, resulting in the surrounding ligament muscles due to squeeze injury tear, so that some people in the production after the urinary incontinence problem.
Although it can be done by specialized training of pelvic floor muscle contraction of the "Kegel movement" to restore their own, but this still causes a lot of female obsession, and if the production of muscle and nerve damage greater, may continue to occur.
5. Workplace and family balance
The family has a newborn child, who takes care of? This is the problem of novice parents, in the era of equality for political correctness, more than 90% caregivers are still mothers. What about the job? Does mom want to leave? Or a job that's close to home and doesn't work overtime? Can dad afford a family alone? What is a "worthwhile" arrangement and what is best for children?
After the birth of children, the dense is the problem. No one can have the cake and eat it, men have little trouble with this kind of work and family choice, but this is a big challenge for women. We should let the "willing" to stay in the workplace mother, in and out of the workplace and family, the conscience of the pursuit of their own life. Sandberg, a Facebook operator, has said that working women struggle almost every day between burning candles, and she even puts forward "guilt management", proving that women are more afraid of having to treat their families with guilt. (Stretch reading: feed Mother's milk on high heels!) The beauty and sadness of professional women )
Women's lives have many conflicting goals, the traditional expectations of women is family-oriented, more than men spend more time to care for families, accompanied by children, and the reality of the pressure or self-realization of the demand, women and hope that they can achieve in the cause of success, is a good woman is also the mother. Sandberg tells the truth: it is almost impossible to achieve all of these goals. However, we are often kidnapped by the environment and by these goals, ignoring the fact that we cannot do it all.
In his face book office, she posted a favorite poster with scarlet lettering: "It's more important to finish than to be perfect." (Done is better than perfect.) "Women must not take" everything "of the puzzle on their own body, and learn not to" whip "themselves, to the" Superwoman "as a female enemy.