Sharing a TED lecture with you, what true stories will they tell when the victims of sexual assault stand on the same stage as the perpetrator? Start talking about dating rape.

Have you ever heard of a date rape? Do you know that according to the 104 annual statistics of the Department of Weifao, 20% (2000) of dating rapes for acquaintances, on average, 6 sex-threatening date rapes in sexual assault cases?

A recent TED talk, co-author of the South of forgiveness--the sexual assault victim and the perpetrator stood on the stage and told a story that belonged to their true story, dating rape never far away, taking place.

Dating rape is not just about the immediate relationship, but about the life of the two people. Do we know how to treat our own psychological scars? Do we have the possibility of admitting the perpetrator to the wrong person? Did we ever give ourselves a chance to be calm? Will we know that after entering into intimacy, I still have my body autonomy, I have the right to say no, you do not own me, I do not belong to you? (Recommended reading: Seeing a date rape, she chose to live rather than report it )

The story must start from the beginning.

Dating rape scene: 7,200 seconds of torment.

1996 Iceland, Thordis Elva know Tom Stranger,tom is an exchange student from Australia, 19 years old, Thordis 16 years old, two people are young, love holding hands. After a ball, Tom escorted Thordis home, and he took off her clothes and pressed her, not to say no.

Thordis think, this and she saw on TV, the rape is not the same, Tom is obviously her favorite person, regardless of her opposition will rape her, she counted 7,200 seconds of torment, tears slipped down, feel good pain, the body will split.

After Tom left for Australia, Thordis realized he was really raped, but he didn't know who to talk to. She also questioned herself, was it because I was drunk? Is it because I make myself unconscious? Is it because I have a drink in my breath? (same field Gayon: Why did I apologize to the man who raped me?) )

"The world teaches girls that if you are raped for a reason, it must be your problem." "--thordis Elva

After that, she carried her notebook, because when she was alone, she could not help reading the second, think of that day, heart anxiety. On an accidental day, nine years later, she decided to write a letter to Tom. She wants to tell him that you hurt me, but I want us to reconcile, I want to take the initiative to escape the suffering you let me bear.

"I want to send this letter, because whether he is worth it or not, I think I deserve to have a good life back." "--thordis

Farewell to the culture of rape: giving the perpetrator a chance to take the wrong

"I don't blame myself anymore, that night, I was raped not because of my problem, not because of my skirt, not because of my smile, not because of my trust, but because he chose to rape me." "--thordis

"I didn't realize I was raping her, I thought her body belonged to me." I regret afterwards that I used this as a love affair rather than a sexual assault to convince myself that I still feel guilty because I knew it was a lie and I knew I had done something wrong. "--tom

For years, Tom hid his memory in a dark corner of his heart, but he knew he shouldn't. And that day, he received a letter from Thordis.

He wrote a confession in reply, saying that he had regretted it all these years, and that he knew he owed her many apologies. The process is not easy, but it is honest. After years of communication, she freed herself from the shackles she should not bear, and he wholeheartedly confessed to his mistakes.

After a full eight years of correspondence, Thordis to Tom to meet with the man who had hurt him, and she tried to look him in the eye and forgive him. They took a central point between Iceland and Australia and met in Cape Town, South Africa.

The road to recovery is long: Tell yourself shame is not my responsibility

"It's easy to get revenge, and it's even intuitive," he said. All these years, I've been trying to hurt Tom as much as he hurt me. "--thordis

Before the plane landed, she doubted what she was doing. Why doesn't she just get a psych counselor and get drunk and let herself forget? Why does she have to confront the source of the pain? She later told herself, choose to face him, is to tell himself that this disgrace is not my responsibility.

Cape Town, South Africa, they spent a week meeting, chatting a lot, they try to listen to each other sincerely, count the terrible night after the two of their respective lives, they must be honest, must take the weight of gender-based violence. Honesty brings real pain, as well as the removal and purification of pressure sources.

In the ruins of memory, life is slowly reborn, and after the rape there is a possibility of hope. Though the road was so long, they walked for so long, together to write the book "South of Forgiveness", a version of the story they wanted to hear when they were young.

"The world should not adopt a rough division, when a person is identified as a victim, he is attached to a minor, humiliating, destructive, and when a person is identified as a perpetrator, people subconsciously call him a demon, a monster, he is inhuman." 」

"But if we are unwilling to acknowledge that these violence are man-made, we do not want to give a chance to assume the wrong, and we will only continue to ignore the continuing violence in human society." If we continue to give victims the impression that they are secondary, how can we allow them to rebuild their power? 」

Facing the wrong path: Breaking the silence, taking responsibility

"When I tried to admit the mistake, I thought I was ashamed of myself, and I thought I was going to crumble, but in fact I was given the opportunity to really take responsibility." When I admit the mistake, I know that I have done wrong, but does not mean that I am a bad person, after so many years, I really can forgive themselves, accept myself. 」

"Our society is often blamed for the survivors of violence, rather than the perpetrator; indifference and denial make us unwilling to face the cruel reality, but do not underestimate the power of language and words, confess my mistakes to Thordis, admit that I raped her, changed how I imagined myself, and changed my relationship with her.

"Most of all, I took the blame that I was supposed to take back from Thordis." 」

Of course not all wounds will heal, Thordis and Tom's experience is not necessarily a prescription for everyone, because no one has the right to tell someone: how do you deal with your deepest pain or face your darkest mistakes. Breaking the silence is not easy, and even in many countries, openly talking about "being raped" can be bad luck. (Recommended thinking: my pain can not be reconciled interview Lin: "has been inserted, will not be smoked out")

Thordis said, "I know I am fortunate that I can openly talk about my experience of being raped without being exiled or executed." I also know that I must use my luck with caution and move forward with those who cannot speak. 」

"In my own experience, learning about gender-based violence is useful for self-healing," he said. I read, I write, I talk, I reconfirm, it's not my problem. And when I traveled to the world to talk about it, I often found that most of the faces were women. But I would like to say that it is high time that we no longer view gender-based violence as a female issue, and we must involve men in discussions. 」

Gender violence is not a single gender issue, if all of us can break the silence and face together, we can flip the existing one-way cycle of victimization and victimization, let the perpetrator recognize the wrong and take responsibility, and give the victim a real way to rebuild the power. (same field Gayon: 20 common myths about male sexual assault victims: "You have a reaction that you want")

This will be the way we are going and should go on.