Meet each other in the vast sea of the likes of the other half is a kind of luck, and let a relationship happy to go down but need to work hard.
If a person claims to listen to you and your partner for five minutes, you will know if your future relationship can continue, will you buy or not? Do you think he's a stick or something?
That's what John Gottman did, and his predictions are more accurate than 91%! John Gottman, a psychologist who has studied marriage and relationships for more than 40 years, to study the interactions between couples, John Gottman's bold predictions are not purely for couples or couples, but rather he observes that there are potential killers in relationships or marriages, So that the relationship between two people can not go on. (Recommended reading: wear a ring, not equal to have loyalty )
Deviousness or sweet for the rest of your life? Which one do you want to be? Just listen to John Gottman. From the relationship of potential killers, the relationship between the common problems, long-term and happy relationship between the formation of the operation, give us specific suggestions for business relationship!
Attention, please! Four potential killers of long-term relationships
1. A critique of the criticism of human affairs
Every couple will be a little dissatisfied with each other, which is normal, often because we are the closest person to each other, so we can most directly see that he can better place. But the criticism of criticism and discontent complaints is not the same. People are criticized for attacking, not just their behavior.
An endless critique of relationships, will let the side of anger can never smoothly express the feelings of the garbage, because they have decided that "this person is the case", and the other side will be constantly being degraded, and in this relationship loss of self-confidence, but also gradually lose the motivation to continue together.
Looking back on our daily life, do we often inadvertently use: "You are ..., will be ..." sentence? And often also in exchange for each other's face helpless? (Recommended reading: 20 married killers with "but" hidden. )
2. Despise each other's contempt contempt
Look, nose jet, ridicule, malicious and personal attack of humour, contempt of the other side is the most frightening potential killers, because such mockery is not harmless, but conveys the "disgust each other" message. And once your partner finds that your body language reveals your aversion to him, a relationship can be difficult to develop. because, no one likes to get along with people who hate themselves, and nobody likes to stick someone's cold butt with hot faces all the time.
A momentary ridicule may be interesting, but long time years contempt will make the relationship between the two sides gradually unbalanced.
3. Aggressive self-defense defensiveness
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Self-defense of the heart everyone will have, after all, let another person completely into our hearts, is always not an easy thing.
But when self defense becomes shirking responsibility and attacking each other, it is not a very pleasant thing. This self-defense tends to make the quarrel more endless, let the conflict out of hand, and when the conflict is always endless, the degree of tension between the couple will continue to rise.
Think about it if your partner says to you, "It's not all your fault!" "What would your mind be?" When the two-person relationship becomes shirking, aggressive self-defense also makes the relationship go further.
4. Refuse to allow the other to participate in the inner wall stonewalling
Refused to speak, cold treatment, and after the incident still refused to talk with the other side of the feelings, such a situation we call stonewalling, you use a stone wall to shut yourself in the other half can not find your place.
While the inner wall may not worsen the current situation of the conflict, it will have far-reaching damaging effects on the relationship, and building the wall will leave the building side more and more detached from the relationship until one day he finds himself unable to come out of the stone wall again. (same field Gayon: silence, let him go further and farther )
Next, there must be an unresolved problem with the relationship?
Every relationship, there must be an unresolved problem?
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So listen to John Gottman, do you think that if you look at this benchmark, the relationship is too easy to fail. But in fact, each relationship must have a difficult problem to solve, and the focus is never "whether the problem is solved smoothly", but every Valentine's "solution to the problem."
John Gottman pointed out that 69% of the couples problem is eternal, which is why couples always come up with the same problem a noisy and noisy reasons. Because most of the arguments start with different growth backgrounds, lifestyles, and personality differences, Most of the problems are difficult to solve, but many lovers still spend years trying to change the idea of the other half and fret about why they can't do it.
In that case, can we do nothing but sit and wait for the quarrel to happen? Take a look at the following two ways to accept the problem is to exist, and also through these issues, to build a deeper understanding of the other half. Even if the final question remains unresolved, you will learn more about each other in the process. The more noisy the more love, or the more noisy more look at the other side is not pleasing to the eye, often only in the line of separation. (Recommended reading: Should not give up the constant quarrel of love? )
1. Accepting these questions is part of a relationship.
Might as well put the circle between the couple small quarrel, imagine that we are old, the body began to appear small pain. At that time, we walked slowly, our thoughts were not as clear as before, we did not like the physical ailments, but we tried to coexist with them, and we tried not to let the situation deteriorate.
Relationship is not only a sweet time, a small quarrel between lovers, but also a part of the relationship. Since can not avoid, it is better to find ways to coexist with it, so that the quarrel becomes the eternal tacit understanding between the two people. (Recommended reading: love, just like the way I really am )
2. When you select your partner, you also select a set of issues that must be overcome
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See this sentence, you should also feel a feeling of the heart. With different lovers, the problems we want to face are not the same. In fact, the choice of the "specific other half", but also equal to the selection of a group of people in response to each other's personal characteristics, life style, the combination of values ranked "specific problems."
In simple terms, these problems are created by two of people, and they are the chemical changes that only belong to you two people! All the sweetness and sorrows of two of people are limited to two people. So instead of saying "it's because I'm with you, there are so many questions", rather "thanks for being with you and facing our problems." 」
Just as though you may not like all the qualities of the other half, though you may not like the challenges you face together, at least you are sure that these moments are tough and you want to walk with him.
Next, the three key to creating a happy relationship
"Do you really understand him?" "The three key to making a relationship more stable and happy
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John Gottman not only specifically to scare couples, he also put forward three practical suggestions to stabilize the relationship:
1. Get to know each other truly
It may be someone who has to work together for a lifetime, but are you sure you really know the other half? Do you know his dream and know what he wants to be after five years? Would you like to share her happiness, and embrace her frustration and loneliness? Can you see through his strengths and weaknesses, but still love this person?
It takes time to know a person, or perhaps a lifetime, and we cannot understand another person thoroughly. Still, two people who are willing to break a long time to understand, to listen, to guess the other person's thoughts meet each other, what is more worthwhile in this lifetime?
You said, he listened, you listen, he said, so became a pair of listening to say not careful forever lover. (Recommended reading: no Love will die!) 10 Required classes in love
2. Even if the mood is out of control, still pay attention not to hurt each other
No denying that we all have emotional control, we shout loudly, feel that the whole world can not afford their own. But when we quarrel, we should avoid throwing all negative emotions into the other half, because what we say at this time may turn into a sword that stabs the most vulnerable part of the other.
Every couple should develop their own way of arguing and settling, and how to resolve the conflict in the present. After that, you have to have a nice long talk about each other's problems.
John Gottman also suggested that in a quarrel, less "you ..." and say "I ...", so as to reduce the chances of attacking each other, and more to speak their minds. Avoid the two potential killers mentioned above: self-defense defensiveness and inner wall stonewalling.
3. Reconciliation before the end of the day
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Stefanie Sun sings in "I Miss": "After the quarrel, still want to love your impulse." "And one of the keys to a stable relationship is indeed!"
We will quarrel, but after the quarrel, still want to live with each other, or want to have a good future with each other. The study shows that "fighting for the night" really makes sense, before going to bed, put aside each other's opinions, try not to take too much emotion to talk about why the quarrel occurred, but also honest about the heart of the concerns and problems, and finally don't forget to give each other a deep hug, so can help two of people's relationship growth. And if the heart of the knot has been not said to export, the future may become more and more fierce in the relationship between the two unexploded bombs.
We are born to be one person, each person is a different individual, so it is absolutely difficult to establish intimate coexistence with another person. But if there is such a person in the world, it is worth to follow him to rub together, to rub, to collide, to hug, to talk, to love, that is a lot of good thing. Also thanks to the person around the limited days, gave us the eternal feeling.
To those of you who are in a relationship, a relationship, or are looking for the other half: the person you want to be around is the person you wish you could go for a lifetime:
Type: Content Lab/adurey Ko