Embrace the value of emotion! Harvard psychologist Susan David: Life is beautiful because it's fragile

What do you think is good mood? What is a bad mood? How can emotions be divided between good and bad?

Early childhood, you are eager to get attention and companionship, temper on the ground, adults said: This is not well-behaved, not so bad temperament! So you start to learn how to watch, to pick up shouting, huddled aside waiting for adult eyes, can wait to wait, how big; Adolescence you fall in love with that let you know what is sad person, lovelorn day, force oneself in front of friend hangs a smile, efforts shrug like to shake off that sticky greasy lost, every person then say I very good, like hypnosis also like praying, Hope I have a good day, did not leave a little sad time to myself.

This life we will continue to perceive the encounter and separation of life, growth brought about by the pain and learning, it is these necessary vulnerabilities, let us in each of the emotional mire, read ourselves, shape a healthier, more courageous mind.

Susan David, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, Susan David TED TALK to share with us the importance of embracing emotional values, sadness, anger, nervousness, and happy emotions that represent your values and become the data that you understand yourself.

Here's a Susan David (Susan David) speech to share with you:

Sawubona.

I am from South Africa, and "sawubona" is a "hello" in Zulu language. There is a beautiful and powerful idea behind the word, "sawubona" literally means: "I see you, by seeing, you exist." So beautiful, imagine someone to greet you like that. But how do we look at ourselves? Can our thoughts, emotions and stories help us thrive in an increasingly complex and crisis-filled world?

This vital issue is my life's work. How we deal with our inner world drives everything: how we love, how we live, how we educate the next generation, and how we lead others. In the past, it was rigid to divide emotions into good or bad, positive or negative. We need to practice real resilience and growth with a higher level of emotional acuity.

My call to this journey is not from the sacred temple of the university, but in the chaos of life.

In South Africa, I grew up in the segregated white zone, a country and community dedicated to ignoring and denying. Denying that racism started 50 ago is wrong. Before I understood the history of my country of birth, I first understood the destructive "denial" from a personal level.

The day my father died was Friday. He is 42 years old and I am 15 years old. Before I went to school, my mother whispered to me to say good-bye to my father. So I put the backpack down and walked over to the house where my father died in cancer. His eyes closed, but he knew I was there, and I felt it. I told him I loved him, said good-bye, and then started my day. After my father passed away, I still studied in school, from science, mathematics, history to biology. From May to July to September to November, I had the usual smile on my face. I went through all this, not one subject failed. When people ask me how are you? I would shrug my shoulders and say, "Not bad!" "I was praised for being strong, and I was the master of keeping myself sane." (Recommended reading: embracing your inner child: three exercises in the face of negative emotions )

But when we got home, it was really painful--my father, who had not been able to keep his small business during his illness. When the creditor knocked on the door, my mother was alone and grieved to think how to raise three children to grow up. As a family, we feel the economic and emotional collapse. I began to use food to numb my pain and refuse to accept the full weight of my grief. No one knows--in a culture that values ruthlessness, I don't think anyone cares.

But someone didn't pay me to pretend to beat the sad story--my eight grade English teacher, who was looking at me with his hot blue eyes while sending me a blank notebook. She said: "Write down your feelings, tell yourself the truth, as no one will read it." "In this way, I was invited to truly express my sadness and pain. It's a simple act, but it's a revolution for me. It was this revolution, which began in the 30, that shaped the work of my life.

By constantly communicating with myself, like a gymnast, I no longer rigidly deny that I practise being an emotionally sensitive person.

The beauty of life is very much related to its own fragility.

We have youth until we lose it; we walk in the street, until one day, we realize that we are no longer seen by passers-by, we keep nagging our children until one day we find that this once silent child has lived in the world in his own way. We seemed to be healthy until the diagnosis put us on our knees.

The so-called impermanence is often, the only certainty is uncertainty, but we do not succeed or continue to exercise control of this problem. The World Health Organization says depression is now the leading cause of global disability-more than cancer, and more than heart disease. In more complex generations, unprecedented technological, political and economic changes, we can foresee that people are increasingly inclined to the emotional stiffness of response.

On the other hand, we may be obsessed with having the right, good emotional expression, and maybe we will try to squeeze the emotions into the corner and only allow ourselves to be "considered legitimate, right" emotions.

I recently conducted a survey with more than 70,000 people and found that one-third of the subjects had to criticize themselves for having "bad feelings", such as sadness, anger, or even mourning. It is to actively try to overthrow these feelings. Not only do we do this to ourselves, but also to the people and children we love-we may inadvertently think of these emotions as negative emotions and jump directly to solutions without helping them to see the value of these emotions themselves. (Recommended reading: The practice of embracing true emotions: acknowledging anger and asking yourself why you are angry )

Normal, natural emotions are divided into good or bad, and actively become a form of moral correctness. Tell cancer patients to stay positive and women not to be so emotional ... there are numerous examples of such cases. This is a act of tyranny, a positive tyranny, cruel, mean and ineffective.

Studies of emotional repression show that when emotions are deliberately placed aside or neglected, they become more intense. Psychologists call this state: amplification.

Like the delicious chocolate cake in the fridge-the more you want to ignore it, the more control you will have. When you deliberately ignore emotions, you may think you are controlling unwanted emotions, but in fact, emotions control you. Deep inside the pain will always need to export, then who will pay the price? Our children, our colleagues and even our country.

But please don't misunderstand what I mean.

I am not against happiness, I like happiness. I'm actually a very happy person. But when we put aside our normal emotions and accept false enthusiasm, we lose the ability to develop the skills to deal with our inner world, not what we want. Hundreds of people have told me they don't want to feel emotions. They said: "I do not want to try, because I do not want to be disappointed." Or: "I just want to make this feeling disappear." 」

"I understand," I said to them. "But your goal is to be done only by the dead." 」

Only the dead are not trapped by their emotions. Only those who die will never be pressured, never hurt, or disappointed by failure.

In the face of difficult emotions, is part of our life. For a meaningful career, a breadwinner, or a better place for the world, you can't feel the pressure or leave the comfort zone. The cost of this ticket is the discomfort that leads to a meaningful life.

So how do we eliminate rigidity and embrace emotional acuity? As the young schoolgirl, when I saw these blank pages, I began to give up on the emotions I should show, open my heart, my feelings, feel pain, sadness, loss and regret.

Today's psychological research shows that when we actively accept all emotions-even chaotic and difficult emotions-are the cornerstones of happiness that make us feel more resilient and true.

But we talk on this side of the mood is sharp, than positive acceptance of emotions, more important is to understand, describe the accuracy of emotions.

In my study, I found these words are essential. We often use fast and simple labels to describe our feelings. "I emphasize" is the most common word I have heard. But there is a difference between "stress" and "disappointment", and when we can accurately mark our emotions, we are more able to discern the exact cause of all our feelings. Scientists say the brain's agile response can be trained, and when we practice it, we can say it accurately. Such steps will allow us to better understand how to treat emotions as a data. (Recommended reading: who I am an outlaw practice: stop asking others to be responsible for your emotions )

Our emotions are implicated in the things we care about. We often pretend that we have nothing to do with ourselves, but if you feel angry when you read the news, anger is a sign, maybe you are a person who values fairness and justice, and if you are aware of your emotions, you have the opportunity to take positive steps to shape your life direction.

When you are willing to open your mind to accepting and facing difficult emotions, you can produce a response that corresponds to your self-worth.

But here's an important warning. Emotions are data, they are not instructions.

We can discover and excavate our feelings, which is their value, but don't let the emotions dominate you. It's like I can feel my son's frustration at having a little sister--but it doesn't approve of the idea that he wants to give his sister to the first stranger he sees in the mall.

We have emotions rather than emotions that hold us.

When we have the difference between "how we feel" and "what I do with my values", emotions will open up a path for you to be better yourself.

So, how should this practice be practiced?

When you feel a strong emotion, do not compete with the emotions, learn to live with it, and feel its contours. Try not to say "I am", such as "I am angry" or "I am sad". When you say "I am", it makes you sound like your emotions. And you are you, the emotion is a data source. Instead, pay attention to this feeling: "I noticed that I feel sad" or "I noticed that I was angry". This is the basic skill of our, our family, our country.

My research has found that there is a key factor in helping people to put their best work status into play: personalized thinking.

When people are allowed to feel their true feelings, they will actively participate, create and innovate, and flourish in the organization. Pluralism is not only human, but also inner of man. Including the diversity of emotions. The most sensitive, the most resilient individuals, teams, organizations, families, communities, etc., are based on the normal human feelings of the open above. Let's try to understand: "What did my feelings tell me?" "," which action can meet my values? "Emotional acuity is a skill that allows you to practice the values of curiosity, compassion and self." (Recommended reading:"Emotional sales department" do not abandon your anger )

When I was young, I used to wake up at night and I was afraid of death. My father would comfort me with a gentle kiss, but he would never lie. "We're all going to die, Susie," he said, "It's normal to be afraid." "He did not attempt to create an illusory buffer between me and reality," he said. It took me a while to figure out how he led me through the night's power.

He showed me that courage is not without fear, courage is walking with fear.

None of us knew in a short span of 10 years that he was gone. That time was precious and fleeting to us. But when our "that moment" comes, learn to face the fragility, in the moment of fragility, it will ask us: "Do you have enough ability to know yourself?" "Do you have enough power to know yourself?" "Let that moment become unreserved" yes, I have a keen heart and mood. Let you have a dialogue with your heart and see yourself.

Because only when you see yourself can you see others and see the world: This is the only way to be sustainable in a fragile and beautiful world.

Sawubona.