"I feel like being raped, he still chooses to do it" do you know what is marital rape? When we look at sexual assault and sexual violence, the gender violence in the family unit is also a subject that we must face squarely.

Read a reader letters on VOX- -we must talk about marital rape ,

"We were married for eight years and now I'm sitting with my husband in a marriage counseling clinic." I tried my best to confide in my deepest and most feared truth: "When I had sex with my husband, I often felt raped." "Non-consensual sex, I was very uncomfortable, after a certain time, I rushed from the bed to the bathroom, began to dry vomit." I told each of the clinics in front of me, the details of how we spent these years. 」

"My husband shrugs and doesn't care," he said, "She's always too dramatic." "His answer doesn't surprise me. When I talked to him about my feelings, it was always his response to my standard attitude-he thought I was overreacting and his sexual needs were reasonable. 」

"I dragged us to the marriage counseling room because I couldn't stand the emotional intimacy we lost in our relationships," he said. The therapist gave us some advice, including the touch of tracking and understanding feelings, full of love without the next expected action, and my husband was obviously dissatisfied: "What you want is complicated and difficult, and I can't do it." But what I want is simple and quick, why can't you just give it to me? "I gave in, because right now, I don't think I have any choice." 」

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Marital rape, which occurs in the family unit of gender violence, stepping on the public domain and the private domain of the fuzzy community online, has been a rape of gray zone. The chronic violence, which is intertwined with speech and behavior, often makes the parties suffer and blame themselves.

When we talk about #METOO, we talk about the power of aggression, we talk about sex violence in the workplace and on campus, and we also have to talk about marital rape, a subject that is often overlooked. (Recommended reading: courage to bear the pain!) Big girl student carrying the mattress on the incident to sue the culture of rape

From the Deng Ruwen kill to the "sex toy" style of wife imagine

Do you agree that entering into a marital relationship is tantamount to committing a subsequent intimate act?

Before 1970, there were few legal systems to allow for rape within marriage, and there was a general culture of "wife-dependent husbands" in society, and after the second wave of feminist efforts towards physical and sexual autonomy, most countries had incorporated marital violence into statutes and designated crimes since 20th century. However, there is still a general pressure of public opinion--to identify any party in the marital relationship and have the "obligation" to perform the sexual act.

Take a look at Taiwan's case, the case of Deng Ruwen in the 1993, resulting from the Deng Ruwen long-term family violence and marital rape, killing his husband, and then surrendered. Deng Ruwen case, aroused widespread concern of the public, domestic violence and marital rape issues began to float on the table, but also gave birth to the "Domestic violence prevention law." (Recommended reading:"Home violence shameful, flat chest glorious!") "Use nude photos against home violence, take back women's body rights."

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Although there are legal protection, but in the contemporary, more marital rape situation is more intangible, when the marital relationship between the demand, and the other party does not want, how should we discuss and communicate?

Letters writes that even when you realize that you don't have an interest, refusing is still very difficult, and it's always embarrassing to talk about "marital rape":

"My husband knew I didn't want to, and my husband knew I was suffering because of our lost emotional links, and my husband knew that in the process I felt like being raped and he chose to do it." He would rather I had no expression on his face, and he would satisfy himself. I know that he can really be satisfied with such a lack of interactive sex. We even discuss "you can do me, but you can not kiss me", so the involuntary desire of sex, let me doubt our marriage, let me feel like a sex toy, let me lose myself. 」

"I am a professor, I teach feminist theory, I am in the classroom and family education to carry out the feminist spirit, I also in the field of male power to succeed." However, in a marriage relationship, I'm still giving in to involuntary sexual behavior, and feminist theory doesn't save me, and although I'm aware of my lack of rights, the cultural pressure I feel is always that a wife has an obligation to satisfy her husband, no matter how she feels. 」

Marital rape is more likely to be a common but difficult experience for many women-the "I do not", the fear of saying "I do not", the "I do not", said the export is not valid "I do not". In Asia, with the collective lack of "sex" language, experience and resources, openings may become more difficult.

No one in a marriage has any obligation to "engage in sexual intercourse".

We must discuss marital rape in a new light, focusing not only on physical abuse and coercion of violence (that is, domestic violence as we generally know it), but also on the potential harm caused by the violation of one's will. The damage caused by the latter, although not visible, can also cause serious impact on the individual.

Do we have to look at the relationship between marriage and intimacy in relation to equality and democracy? When the husband is not satisfied in the intimate relationship, people will say he "poor", and when the wife put forward to the intimate relationship of doubt, such as I do not want to do now, I do not like to do so, can not do, etc., people will blame her "too selfish." (Recommended reading:"Sex is never just for childbirth!") "Three TED speeches to liberate women's desires"

What this kind of public opinion reveals is our pale imagination of marriage and intimate relations, we tacitly agree that marriage must be accompanied by sex, and that the existence of sexual activity is to satisfy one's needs rather than to make both parties happy, whereas in heterosexual relationships women are often in a position of dominated/being controlled/loved/cared for. Therefore, "refusal" in intimate relationships is more difficult.

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As sociologists Giddens in the transition to intimacy, "there are all kinds of coercion in interpersonal relationships that obviously don't necessarily have to be physically violent." For example, some people may be inclined to use emotion or language to abuse each other, how to avoid emotional abuse, may be the most difficult to maintain equal rights relationship between the two sides, but the guiding principle is clearly: respect for each other's independent views and personal characteristics. 」

Zhang in the "human-looking patriarchal" article has a wonderful analysis of paternity and heterosexual relationship between the interaction, "under the patriarchal framework, the man's lust Drive strengthens his achievement motive." The lust drive of a woman destroys her achievement motive, strengthens his dependence consciousness, inferior consciousness, being protected consciousness ... There is another aspect of paternity, which is to regulate the private sphere in heterosexual relations, the controller is the husband, the boyfriend, the controlled person is the wife, the girlfriend, this is a one-to-one control, I call it "individualized patriarchal" "

Women have the right to say "no" and can emphasize or practise it, to some extent, the dominated power conferred on men by patriarchy, and the democracy between them, requires a high degree of self-consciousness on the part of both partners, leaving out the script of gender role assignment, and talking about what I am as a person, as I am, what I want.

Love is an abstract noun, but marriage is the actual daily life of landing, many people say, knot married, is the beginning, that is true. Two people to form a family unit this is not easy, the most basic, take off the gender role of the default stance, understanding and listening to each other's needs and feelings, focus on each other's understanding of intimacy and imagination, probably more smoothly to make each other comfortable on the road.

What about you? Have you ever felt "marital rape", Welcome to select the page below to share your experience with us. (can be anonymous message)