Because it is love, we can rely on a person so close enough to see all our shortcomings. Interview Deng Huiwen, listen to her from marriage, partner, intimate relationship, and then talk back to themselves. What you want and what you look like in a relationship is important.
Impression, the first time I saw Deng Huiwen's book, on my mother's bookshelf. My mother told me that it was a book for her comfort. about what? About love, and myself, she said. That was seven years ago, "the very relationship".
Deng Huiwen in it, to marry as the premise of intercourse, more likely to create tragedy, love the biggest Achilles heel is wishful thinking, she unhurriedly, uncoupling feelings FAQ. She said let me please you, love, remember to think, if you want to love, do not expect easy answers.
Love writer Full-gush's years, talk about love is very vulgar, Deng Huiwen in the market, but find their own position to speak, wrote more than 10 years have, she resisted God reply, she does not give standard, fast food environment, she insists on slow growth, love no one is God, why hit the face? She gave only the invitation, the same, straightforward, experience, love is not suspicion, love is not jealousy, love is not the truth, the only certainty, love is alive.
We meet in the women's paradise, white knitting is very good for her, dark hair and shoulders, light has shadow, like she does not take the default position, invite us to ask love any questions, ask Ah, do not be afraid.
Why do we stop looking for love in marriage
Deng Huiwen's new book, " marital lovelorn", brewing for many years, I asked the theme of inspiration, she tilted her head softly asked me, "I want to know, why do we no longer expect love in marriage?" 」
First look at the "marital lovelorn" book title, say not come up in the heart awkward, marriage has so-called lovelorn state? Too many people, like me, convince themselves that love and marriage are two concepts, and there is no doubt. We choose for ourselves, in marriage, must give up the expectation of love.
Deng Huiwen Books, extended a friendly hand, "If you look at the title, heart sour, you once self-doubt, I also want intimacy, but I and my partner but not, this is my book to invite the object." 」
Clinical Consulting experience, so she found that after entering the marital status, many people for their own desire to love, responsible mentality, and even blame themselves, "I find love in marriage, is not too funny?" "It is a lot of marital status, all because of the expectation of" love "sake, can not open mouth, had to turn to scold," my husband does not look at me, "he does not talk to me, is not care about me? 」
Consultation is the time to solve the knot, Deng Huiwen words is very light, marriage, really can have love.
"Even we should think about marriage and love in the same basket. "Her finger gestures," the concrete imagination is, if we want to live like a complete person, then marriage and love, can really cut treatment? You have to ask yourself, do you want to live a life without love? 」
There is no love in marriage, nature has lost, some people from the pursuit of drama satisfaction, some people choose extramarital love, but very few people are willing to return to marriage, to create a love environment. Deng Huiwen asked, why not? Marriage treatment, actually are each other's fault, to correct each other, Deng Huiwen but only ask a question, not to mention each other, we say you. (same field Gayon: Love a portrait long journey: It's easy to go, it takes courage and humility to keep walking )
What about you, have you ever thought of how to change your life? Are you willing to put the things you really desire into practice in life seriously?
Yes you, regardless of each other, what you want is, have you ever asked yourself?
Please do not embrace the baby-style fantasies of love
I paused for a few seconds.
Yes, we rarely ask ourselves, so, rarely in love, see their own problems. Even, not interested in what they are thinking. We care all the while, why do they do this to me? It's not fair.
Deng Huiwen summed up, "for love, we often embrace the" baby-style "expectations. Like a baby, want to not communicate, the other side can fully understand themselves. The other party does not understand, we complain, the other side is not "the right person." "Blaming others is easier than introspection, and it is lazy to expect someone to understand you unconditionally."
"A couple to go down, to recognize the first hurdle-he is not my father, he is not my mother, if he did not understand me, I have more than half the responsibility." "Instead of asking the other half why you don't know you, you should be more interested in why I have no way to let people know," Deng Huiwen said.
For example-Suppose you feel like you're paying a lot in your relationship, but you don't get the gratitude you deserve, so instead of blaming each other, why don't you just go back and see why you need to be thankful? Thanksgiving is the ultimate affirmation, will it be because in the affirmation of this matter, you have no way to yourself? So you have to ask for a partner?
Deng Huiwen-style of the wake-up, gentle and powerful way. "Back to the source, you may be unconscious by giving the act of trying to acquire something, perhaps from your reward family education." Thus, your understanding of love has only one pattern: to be rewarded, to be punished for being bad. 」
She stopped, as if not bear, "so you do not know, the original two sides are free, can also be in love." 」
"If you are willing, a partnership is actually the best chance for you to challenge yourself to the card." 」
What do you say? "The problem you are particularly concerned about in your relationship is hiding yourself that you don't know." By putting the subject matter back to your own source, thinking "What I am," "Why I'm thinking about it", "if I'm willing to change a role or position," you don't expect your partner to be able to save you too much. 」
Then you can save yourself and be truly independent in love. Deng Huiwen said, the face has a sparkling look.
Fix yourself no shortcuts
But it's not easy to go back to the source and try to fix yourself. Deng Huiwen specially reminds, this process, is the gradual, is the reciprocating maneuver, throws oneself into the experience vortex, may be involved.
Deng Huiwen The Clue, "find a life topic that repeats itself, and feel how much you are used to the role." She raised her long forefinger and smiling her eyes, "You must throw yourself in, feel the fate that hangs over you, and then start to say to yourself," if it's not the same, "If my story version is not like this, what will it be?" "Many times we are stereotyped in some kind of frustration, so we don't recognize the different ways.
When it comes to relationships, she has a deep sense of empathy, reminding them that if they want to start self-awareness or counseling, they have to let the other party know, otherwise the relationship can't withstand shocks. "There's no need to overhaul it, but you don't post it." "Deng Huiwen is a good metaphor, complex concepts in simple, very cute." "One of the scariest things about a husband and wife is that one goes to the psychology class and the other doesn't. 」
There is another difficulty in communicating with the other half. Deng Huiwen honestly pointed out that in heterosexual relationships, husbands are often very wary, and do not want their wives to say, "dear, our relationship needs to be repaired."
For Asian men, if the wife is not satisfied with you, on behalf of your failure/can't bear/uncertain, the male sex culture of the expectations and pressure, so many families, obviously have problems but can not talk.
If the other person is human, there will be defensive mentality
What should I do now? The most important thing is to start by stopping the creation of hostility and a vicious cycle.
"A lot of people unconsciously hurt each other, and all they do is hate, and every word is a thorn." There is another kind of dissatisfaction with the marriage, reverse to "blind pay", in order to avoid disappointment and unease, so desperately put himself into the "wife's role", to achieve perfection, to convince themselves, I did, he will always be grateful to me. But because can not wait, but more harm. "Unintentional expressions, revealing a lot of unconscious hatred and ridicule, will make the relationship worse." (The same field Gayon: mutual dislike or sweet life?) Psychologists tell you the key to a happy relationship )
Then, no matter who it is, it takes a while to figure out what your needs are and then move on to the communication process. The purpose of communication is to let the other person understand your status and what you really want.
It sounds simple, in fact, this kind of "self disclosure" process can also hurt each other. When you say, husband I am very unhappy, the other sounded like criticism and blame, you are not happy, is not my problem? "You have to assume that each other is human and defensive, and you are more considerate than revealing yourself," he said. 」
Deng Huiwen demonstration, look into my eyes, hands in hand,
"I think two people like us should be able to live a happier life, but I don't think so," he said. I think some of my problems, some may be we do not know each other, do you think? 」
"I think that my situation is not very good, I found that I have been a negative feeling, I think there is a misunderstanding, I would like to ask you to help, I want to discuss with you to solve." "My character came in and almost said yes.
Stop giving each other the blame, add friendly and thoughtful invitation, marriage is the life of partnership, common construction, common repair, no one born, but can learn.
What you're afraid of in relationships, that's what you do to yourself.
I said, it's so hard, it's a relationship.
Deng Huiwen smiled, revealing the expression "you only know Now". For example, we all aspire to intimacy, and the so-called intimacy is actually related to desire.
In simple terms, there are two levels of intimacy, the first is that if you disappear, the other person will feel frustrated and you can feel that you are important. The second is, with him, you have more life motivation, feel yourself in a more "good" state.
So to create intimacy, first ask yourself, do you know what you want in your relationship? What is the sense of intimacy I crave/define? What is the basic thing that I want most in a relationship?
Relationship is a learning link with others, I have my desires, the other side also has. "Therefore, we together contrast, maintain, nourish, meet, and deal with our inner desires." And, together, resist the torment that this desire brings to us. Deng Huiwen said, even the time to resist torture may be more. "The difficulty of intimacy is the difficulty of confronting our inner desires." Dissatisfaction with oneself, but will be very honest projection on the other body. [Recommend you: love for the rest of your life!] From the psychology to see the relationship six secrets of the long
Deng Huiwen told a story.
The girl and the boy know, appreciate his talent, together for many years has been very good. Later, the girl intended to leave the workplace, considering the economic problems, suddenly magnified the discovery that the economic conditions of boys are very weak. Since then, the girl often inexplicably angry, boys bear no small pressure.
On Valentine's Day, two people go to a cheap place for the holidays and get lousy service. The girl got angry and accused the boy of not making better arrangements. The boy also wronged, feel oneself is abandoned, is the girl changed?
What the girl didn't see was that the situation was because she was worried about making money and projected economic needs on boys. When the boy was unable to satisfy, she referred the dissatisfaction to him, in fact, that is the girl's dissatisfaction with her own anxiety.
In the story, no one is a bad person, only the desire to appear. What you are afraid of in a relationship is what you do to yourself. "When you are angry with your own men weak, in fact, you are afraid of their weakness, when you complain that the other party does not understand the communication, in fact, is very hate themselves, why cannot communicate unimpeded?" 」
If you can't face your inner desires, the likely result is that you will constantly encounter people who can't talk to you about love.