Interview Deng Huiwen Next, you think about it? Why is our society full of "The right people" myth? Deng Huiwen said, if the growth is always from others, will be found at a certain moment, they are actually empty. (Recommended reading: Interview Deng Huiwen )
Trying to find the right person usually turns out to be miserable.
Deng Huiwen suddenly earnest, "I particularly want to say with the young girl, do not fantasize through the true destiny to complete oneself." "Because it is too far to go to the mountain, so Prince Charming to carry me faster." This is the fairy tale that will kill itself.
Deng Huiwen believes that anyone who wants to jump into their own growth and achieve goals by finding the "right person" usually has a painful outcome. Because your growth, is to ask from others, not from their own body, in fact, is deficient. "It's like," she said, "It's as if it's too much trouble to decorate myself, so I choose to take a detour and move to someone else's house, and I usually realize that I'm completely empty on something." (same field Gayon: you are looking for not the right person, but become the right oneself )
This is not to blame women, but in the gender culture and intimacy, we are accustomed to from the other side, especially the characteristics of women not easy to develop, particularly easy to project on men. The traditional concept of heterosexual marriage also deepen the impression-to marry each other when wife, he has the "pain you" obligation, so love and control, care and power relations without pain tied together, rigid gender distribution seems convenient, in fact, constantly limit the freedom of both sides.
This is also the cause of contemporary feminism and the situation of male conflict, "from the perspective of boys, now he does not want to open the door, do not want to bag, do not want to listen to the wife to dictate, but also to listen to the wife said, oh, not equal." Boys refuse to play this game, in fact, is a good phenomenon. 」
Girls are also refusing to play the game.
So, in intimate relations, we have to face afresh, we are equal individuals, have sufficient opinion, we choose to become cooperative body, still maintain their independence, without this concept, there is no love.
If you wait to be taken care of, your own growth will not be completed
Intimate relationships are complex, and Deng Huiwen also see the different challenges that feminism faces in this era.
When the workplace ceiling gradually disintegrated, feminism to deal with, in fact, is impossible to say, but pinched the heart of women breathless ceiling. Many women are worried, "what should my husband do if I continue to ascend?" What should I do with the injury he accidentally showed? "Elders or predecessors will also face the ear to remind," you have a career, you will lose home oh. 」
On the other hand, Deng Huiwen pointed out the dilemma of contemporary women, "modern women, to achieve true autonomy, to overcome the dependence, and through the men to evaluate their habits." "The value of women's self-worth must be decoupled from the men's assessment, which is not easy," he said.
Deng Huiwen told me a story again.
You will find that the traditional marriage value, the demand for a wife is very harsh. To have a high value, to have good character, but also to give people a sense of well-being, but also to meet the requirements of physical strength. To do housework do not complain, dealing with trifles do not mix, in front of the husband is weak and lovely, the husband is unwilling to deal with the things are particularly strong, such as the neighbor's home leakage, usually have to wife.
Wife's voice is often, when I tough, never get to Parselmouth before the gentleman. If I am strong, it means that the husband is weak, and men have a lot of self maintenance for this. She saw clearly, the man has a lot of expectations and requirements, but did not pay, slowly for once looking at the husband, lose confidence, feel disillusioned.
Disillusionment in marriage, so common. The time is not too early, about 35 years old to 45 years old, you will be surprised to find that your man is not the same as you think, he is in fact very fragile, weak self-esteem, tolerance, fragile, enduring weak, he is not your imagination, can rely on the strongman.
"But such disillusionment is a good thing," he said. This is your time to face the ceiling in your heart, if you have been relying on the strongman care, your growth will not be completed. In fact, the wife can think, husband is a person, do not use too many negative emotions to evaluate him. 」
Deng Huiwen immediately asked a good question.
"We have to ask ourselves, is not from the heart, hope that men are equal to you?" Or do you want to be a man, to be a better than you, a more friendly creature. Are you willing to confess, man, that you don't need to be superior to me? 」
We can not believe the answer to the second division.
Deng Huiwen speak like a stone thrown into the pool, not to rob Fast, and strive for precision. In the past 10 years, she appeared in front of the media, a book, radio, television, she is slow, in order to keep the stone stability, a stone sank not matter, the pool is very large, she is willing to continue to lose.
There is no urgency, let the listener heart ripple, is the time.
"The media asked me to use the simplest words to answer, I understand, but for me, everything is very complicated." I try my best to resist the tension that simplifies psychology and human nature. What I want to say is that in fact we can not label the labels, we can not believe the answer to the second division. 」
She smiled and said, probably have the host listen to her answer dumbfounded, how irrelevant? But their own way very lucky, there is always someone to support her slow line, the audience also gave her basic confidence, to hold out a see complex space, psychological workers think and speak space does not simplify narrowing, social collective mind thinking more open freedom, is her ten years to see the phenomenon.
In this process, few people know that she is actually experiencing the force of conflict. At the time, she was drilling down into the depth of psychoanalysis from a psychiatrist's work, and then stepping into the training of Jung's analyst, not just working with consciousness, but with unconscious work.
Jung analysis encouraged her to seek inward, seek inward, drill down, at the same time, the mass of media contact with the masses, but constantly pull her up, open a fan skylight. Over the past ten years, she spent her life in a state of extreme stretching, with such interaction, inviting her to see more things. "In short, I look very calm, actually living a very dramatic life." "(Recommended reading:" Deng Huiwen) do not stay in the place where you are wronged to cry.
After the birth of the child, Deng Huiwen about three years of quiet, I asked why, she told me a secret.
God, when can I sleep?
"After the birth of the child, it is not a dark period, not so poetic ah, I was simply not able to load the energy." I only think of one thing, when can I sleep? "Rare to see Deng Huiwen's claws."
Inexplicably, in those years, Deng Huiwen didn't have time to sit down, turn on the computer, and type. She quit her job and took her heart and soul, "at least 2.5 consecutive, I did not sleep three hours in a row, my most basic physical needs are completely deprived of." "Full time mom's life, Deng Huiwen completely experience," I want to bear all things, but did not find a way to maintain their margin. "At the time, she felt so hard, in a state of extreme deprivation and marginalization that she could not stand up on the ground."
During that time, she had a serious quarrel with her husband. The cause was that when the husband complained that he had no time to exercise since he had a child.
It was a pig-mate, and Deng Huiwen was completely fired up, "man, I'm not even getting the most basic sleep, waking up, sleeping rights." I can't even do my job. It's too luxurious for people like me to sleep and not work, and you can still think about sports when you're full. 」
"If there is a way, you should not share, let me have a good night's sleep?" "After the temper hair, see husband puzzled look, Deng Huiwenzai, you tired bad yourself, others will not appreciate you." You think you do not sleep, others will understand, others will love dearly, it is a fantasy AH. You should find a way to adjust your life and take back what you should have.
One chance, she was interviewing another female writer who had a baby in the same period, and she asked each other, "Why are you raising children as well as continuing to create?" "Serious advice and introspection, she found that in any case she must know how to save time for themselves." Publishing house editor, also very cute, sent a book to Deng Huiwen, I hope she gets healing, name is called "How can I resist not kicking the child's father." At that moment, Deng Huiwen completely wanted to open. (Recommended to you:"full-time MOM Handbook" Don't live a life without a career )
"Do not envy other people's husbands more considerate, you ask yourself, how do I make the situation Joe comfortable?" When you think about it, you don't want to be a pig-mate, things will get better. 」
To be in a state where no one is taking care of themselves or being OK
Through his own experience, Deng Huiwen really understand that it is important to take care of yourself. When you use more than your own time, you will be completely empty.
Do not take care of themselves, mental imbalance, imbalance in the state, do not expect a partner to compensate you, or help you guide the right. More often than not, your partner feels more pressured because you are in a bad state. "Marital problems, the bottom of the question, you have to let yourself in a no one to take care of, but also very OK state." Do not oneself is not OK, and Rob to take care of others. 」
It sounds familiar, right?
The last generation of mom, a lot of people like this. No regrets, do more than the body and mind can afford the emotional and physical labor, family priority, recites boring, the result is that the child grew up, not to thank, but the elongated distance, may also be in the psychological consultation, said, "My mother is the source of pressure in our family, she let us very nervous." "There is even such a noun, called poisonous mother.
Deng Huiwen was an experienced woman who understood that women were apt to pay too much for their mother and wife, forgetting themselves, and she offered an invitation, "Dear mothers, don't feel like you can't change." Reassess how much effort and time you need to take care of yourself, turn off the expectations of your mother's role, and put in the time to take care of yourself. "Like reminding yourself," prioritize, make yourself a happy, comfortable, energetic person. 」
She also encouraged her family to go back and tell your mother, "what we need most is your good state, what we need is that you are happy." 」
From the partner, to the marriage, then to the family, each relationship has a personality, do not have to discuss is not normal, but to discuss fast and unhappy, because we really need, is a person in the relationship, can also be happy, but also can be their own.
The interview process, I feel like in the matrix, safe, comfortable, constantly grow up, dialogue is the umbilical cord, the exchange of experience nutrients, open their eyes, see the role of different generations, have not thought of the difficult. When you ask yourself instead of others, there is more to the same. How good, life is so long, we can continue to learn in the process of trial and error.
Finally, I was a bit tricky and couldn't help but ask if I could share your book list. Curiosity, on the one hand, also want to win for the reader index.
Deng Huiwen A bit embarrassed, think about, "This problem I see, think for a long time." In fact, I would like to tell you that I do not have a list of books to recommend. The opening of the mind, to seek from experience, everyone around you is a book, you encounter every setback, in fact, is also your book list. You're going to understand me, aren't you? "She looked at me, and I nodded.
If your frustration comes from a dispute, look at the narrative of anger, psychology or literature, pay attention to your consciousness, understand your anger, and develop your own set of operating systems.
"This is the way I've been settling myself, and I've always believed that, rather than thinking about other people's problems, you should be more curious about what's wrong with me." 」
There may not be a single book in the World to save you, but you can, seriously.