After three consecutive Qingsha events, the whole society has a healing emotional wound, and if you feel anxious and afraid, maybe we can try.
Last week, Taipei had three consecutive "Qingsha cases" in which men killed their current/former girlfriends. From Zhu surname boxing coach killed his girlfriend, Liao surname man killed live the main ex-girlfriend, to Pingdong men because of the request compound not for manslayers ex-wife.
News more "Qingsha" for such events named, however, according to the Executive Yuan Health and Welfare Department of the latest statistics: 105 years of Taiwan women suffer from intimate Relationship violence statistics survey, the perpetrator of the physical sex, 98.9% male, 1.1% female.
11 years ago, according to the modern Women's Fund, from January 2006 to the end of June 2007, there were 264 stories related to intimate violence, in other words, 1 cases of love violence and Qingsha occurred every 2 days. In the case of suicide deduction, 186 of the victims were women, accounting for 92.49, and women remained the main victims of intimate violence and qingsha cases.
When the Qingsha case majority is heterosexual sex male to kill the female companion, actually also exposes the so-called Qingsha not only "the emotion" the question, is "the Gender" (gendered) question.
on a gender observation , we talk about the importance of gender education and emotional education, next, we want to try to find out the solution, but also notice a large number of recent discussions "How to identify the horror lover?" "The X-character of the horror lover", the perpetrator has its formation, the identification of the purpose of isolation and isolation, once the close relationship of violence imposed by the social links, can really create a more secure society, violence can be translated into more extreme forms?
Photo source |pexels
On the other hand, the identification of the type of Horror Valentine article is important and well-intentioned, we also want to remind that the prevention of responsibility should never fall on the victim, asking the victim to be able to identify the potential of the terrorist lover, and the decision to leave the relationship, really so easy? If it does not, does it mean that he is particularly weak or that he deserves to be blamed? That's not true.
A wise man can be caught in an intimate relationship with violence.
A few days ago, writer Yang Yi wrote an article about my feminist first class , when she was 20 years old, and met a guy who was in the doctoral class. She was alone, moved outside to live, was also ready to go to the academic line, admired the academic ability of people, decided to be together fast.
Their time together, almost all in her small room, the other side of the world is not black or white, the mantra is "right is right, wrong is wrong." "He said that people can not tolerate a grain of sand, not jealous expressed enough love, he bound her life, count his friends who think she has problems--each."
Her head gradually cracked two of voices: hers, and his. Do not know how to dissolve such contradictions, she gradually no longer see friends, two people's attachment is increasingly strong, increasingly isolated from the outside world.
Photo source |pexels
He also often asked, "Are you cheating again?" "To break up as blackmail, she was forced to supply the warm friendship network one by one, the relationship between the more can not be broken." She made a gentle apology when the other party mentioned breaking up. The other side said she "cheap", "bad", "no tutor", she gradually thought that they need to be corrected by him. She is not completely on the alert, to consult, the counselor asked her to run, but how to run, run to where? She on PTT Po, please help to assess the status of communication, people push the text ridicule naïve, perfect match.
It was only after the breakup that she understood that she had run into a control freak, the so-called horror lover. She wrote, "I thought I loved him, but it was just the victim's faith in the perpetrator in order to survive." 」
Is it possible not to learn through blood and tears?
Yang Yi's lesson is hard to learn, but is it possible that no one has to learn through personal experience? When the emotional education is absent, and when the popular love text is filled with the overbearing control type romantic love, everyone all the way on their own collision to find out the true meaning of "love", rely on almost luck.
I think that at such a point in time, in addition to learning how to treat others well, what kind of behavior is not love, but harmed.
Understanding intimate relationships is a form of violence that can be the first step. It is not just to avoid becoming a victim, but also to avoid unconsciously becoming the party to the violence in any relationship. Because intimate relationship violence is not only physical violence, but also mental violence, stalking and harassment, economic violence (restricting economic freedom), sexual violence, etc.
"Intimate violence" is defined broadly as "the attack and control behavior patterns of adults or adolescents against their intimate partners, including physical, psychological and sexual attacks, as well as economic control" (Schecter & Ganley, 1995:10)
In Taiwan, mental violence is the largest of intimate relationships, according to the latest 2016 statistics by the Department of Health and Welfare of the Executive Yuan, where about 21% of Taiwanese women experience emotional violence at least once in their lives.
However, men are also victims of intimate emotional violence, a piece of data that is still blank. I sometimes wonder if it is possible that there are also many men who suffer from mental violence in intimate relationships, and whether men in the process of emotional repression may not be able to recognize that they have been/may be experiencing emotional and mental violence.
"Mental Violence", which includes belittling or injuring the victim's ego; Isolate or isolate victims from their support systems such as friends, family, intimidation, destruction of the victim's belongings, injury to the pet kept by the victim, or repeated verbal attacks, belittling the victim's self-esteem, or taking advantage of any person who is cared for or valued by the victim, To achieve control and affect the victim's emotions, etc. (kamp,1998). In addition to this, mental violence also involves restricting action, preventing it from working, attending school, visiting friends or family members, and forcing it to witness the child being belittled, punished or abused (Hague & malos,1998).
"Stalking and harassment" in the internet age, more including online tracking: Victims of harassment in the network, attacks on the speech, the network or communication software to share intimate photos or films, or actual in the home, school, workplace, social venues monitoring and tracking action, resulting in fear of the victims, causing mental or physical injury.
"Economic violence" means the victim's daily necessities, household expenses, etc., accept unreasonable control, or refuse to let the victim go out to work, or steal the victim's credit card, ATM card, etc.
Sexual violence in intimate relationships refers to any forced, unwanted or inappropriate form of sexual activity, the most common type of sexual violence in which a husband forces a wife to have sex. In the past, we have written related articles such as "Gender Watch" "I'm more like a sex toy than a wife." Why should we talk about marital rape?
Identification is not just a feature, it's a distress signal.
The clinical psychologist and the psychiatrist arrange, the intimate relation violence person usually has the jealousy delusion, the social support network link is weaker, or the narcissistic personality, lacks the empathy, is extremely indifferent to the thing outside oneself. However, labeling the label can also make the social support network already weak side, more isolated. Once you feel that you have severed links with others, it is more likely to produce other extreme forms of violence.
Photo source |pexels
The extreme type of "Qingsha" motivation of intimate relationship violence is caused by the qingsha who think they have no way to go, or their emotions cannot be dealt with.
According to Sun Yu-Qingsha's personality trait assessment-taking the central prison as an example, it is pointed out that compared to the general murderer, the Qingsha interpersonal relationship is narrow and retreat. Once there is a steady and intimate development, the relationship between the two is likely to become the Qingsha's only relationship, for the average person, after the breakup there are many other interpersonal relationships, but for the Qingsha group, is that all the relationships are destroyed. Therefore, the rupture of a close relationship will be a major setback in life.
Qingsha's communication skills are inadequate, when intimacy issues are glued to the conscious inability to deal with them, they may tend to solve problems with limb attacks and tend to lose self-control. To stop an intimate relationship, the force of violence, requires external force intervention, and protection.
More urgent circumstances, such as the application of the police escort need to talk to the parties, to engage in a professional mediation; to provide a safe temporary place for sentient beings to kill a threat or to qingsha the actual threat; the use of Family protection law, in the sense of security threats, the timely provision of temporary protection orders, through the intervention of public power to ensure their own security.
How to prevent oneself or the people around become Qingsha, the researcher Sun 苾 The paper also said that can be in three directions to make efforts:
1, for less friends, poor communication-improve social skills: suggest teaching their lack of social skills, such as how to get along with others in the group, how to refuse unreasonable demands and treatment, how to properly express their dissatisfaction and so on.
2, for low emotions-appropriate to express their emotions: it is recommended to teach them to identify their own emotions, to detect changes in their emotions, and further learn how to express emotions in situations where their emotional state is poor.
3, the provision of potential qingsha appropriate recourse to the pipeline, in the presence of immediate sexual wounding or injury in the State, by the relevant agencies to do further isolation or referral to emergency psychological counseling, Process class
What about intimate violence, the scope of legal protection includes couples?
In 1998, our country enacted the law of Domestic violence, the definition of "family member" is "a spouse or former spouse, existing or having a factual marital relationship, a parent relative or a relationship between relatives, existing or having a lineal, and existing or have been or have been within four prohibited degrees of the next line of kinship or in-laws".
After a coalition of women's groups and gay rights advocacy groups, the amendment of the relevant provisions of the second paragraph of the "de facto cohabitation relationship" of the third article of the Family Violence Law was adopted in 2007 to further expand the interpretation of "cohabitation and common wealth" in the Civil Law Relatives section, and to include the victims of intimate violence of homosexual partners in the protection order.
Therefore, as long as the partner who is living together, regardless of the same sex, can apply for a domestic violence protection order.
The modern Women's foundation also provides a "breakup four" that provides the security that people should pay attention to when dealing with intimate relationships and breaking up:
The first step: he is a dangerous lover? -Parting lover Trait
1. Self, often insist on opinions, not easy to compromise, like to control others.
2. Work or friend interaction commonly used to solve the problem of violence, even after being provoked vulnerable to attack actors.
3. The habit of alcoholism, drug addiction or ill-treatment of small animals is common.
The second step: Sand table Deduction! -Breakup Role Play
1. Think about the reasons for breaking up, so as to minimize the harm.
2. Consider each other's personality the depth of the two people, the other side may react, etc., ready to their own way of presentation, attitude and reasons.
3. To find a friend role play, understand the breakup may have some reaction, and discuss the resolution strategy.
The third step: let the other party satisfied, let oneself safety-breakup situation arrangement
1. Carefully choose the time and place for the breakup. It is better to take the day as the main reason, because people's moods are more difficult to control at night; the place is best to be open, quiet, bright, where there are others but not interfering with the conversation.
2. Tell others that you want to talk about the breakup of "people, time, place, thing, things", and return time, or please close to the location not far from the place waiting for you to prevent the occurrence of dangerous incidents, to protect both sides of the security.
3. If you see the other hand holding goods, equipment, do not let the other side close to you, and find ways to immediately call for help or leave the scene, the day of the breakup also avoid drinking.
4. When the breakup negotiations, do not use words or actions to provoke the other party to leave the dignity of the other, sometimes in time to avoid the occurrence of tragedy.
Fourth step: Alarm, claim protection order is necessary-break up security plan
1. After the breakup let both sides calm, to retain a period of emotional vacuum, to avoid any further links or involved, do not have financial disputes or exchanges.
2. When the other party has continued harassment after the breakup, the evidence can be reported to the police and as far as possible avoid going out alone.
3. If there has been a common-law relationship, it may also apply for a protection order in case of injury or harassment, and formulate a security plan or precautions after the break-up.
Love is a lifetime of learning, is to nourish themselves and nourish others
How to be a partner, how to become a parent, how to build relationships, these are in fact the most important issue in life, but also the school did not teach us ", in these qingsha cases, only to find that each of us have a lot to learn the place, now still in time, we work together step by step."
The No. 272 issue of the network/disregard of the City electronic newsletter
Yang Yi The first lesson of my feminism
Ministry of Health and Welfare 105 annual survey on "Violence against women in Taiwan"
Evaluation of personality traits of Qingsha--a case study of Central prison 〉,2000, National Taipei University Institute of Crime, 苾