Why is it so hard to accept the refusal of a woman from intimate violence to the killing of an attempted sexual assault?

In less than one months, Taiwan's society appeared in two cases of body-splitting, one in which the couple discussed the relationship, and the other was the woman's resistance to sexual assault, and two girls were killed.

Two cases of homicide, the former is a partner, the latter is a teacher/student relationship, although the relationship is different, but there is still a common place. In addition to the two are "male victimization, female victims" of gender-based violence, another common point is that the motive for the (man) can not afford to be rejected, the woman is not as he imagined, unable to bear the woman can not give him the relationship he wants.

In fact, there have been four "Qingsha cases" in Taiwan over the past one months, all of which are heterosexual men who kill incumbent/ex-girlfriends, and the situation is mostly for the sake of compounding.

We discuss the relationship between intimate violence and gender-based violence, and see from the data that this is not just a matter of violence, but a gender issue.

According to the Ministry of Health and Welfare of the Executive Yuan: Intimate sexual violence of the perpetrator sex, 98.9% of men, 1.1% of women, and about 21% of Taiwanese women in their lives will encounter at least one intimate relationship violence. But we understand that gender violence is not a specific sex of the original sin, men will suffer, so more on the importance of gender education and emotional education.

But after months of similar cases, we also want to ask, why does the perpetrator always think that the other person is obligated to satisfy his imagination of the relationship? Have the obligation to satisfy his sexual requirements (e.g., "she deceived me to be a virgin" in the case of the coach of the surname)? Have an obligation to meet his sexual needs (such as an archery instructor's sexual assault, I want, you have to give)? Why does the perpetrator think that she has the right to take the other person's life when she is unable/refuses to satisfy her expectations?

What the hell is wrong?

So, on a sex watch , we look for Jie Fang in the other direction: "How do you identify a scary lover?" "The X-character of the horror Lover", but the responsibility of prevention should not only tilt to one end, we should also talk about how to prevent ourselves, or people around us become the perpetrators, when you realize that you are in intimate relationships with violence, how can you help?

This time, the man surnamed Huang, an archery instructor, killed a female student for attempted sexual assault, and we would like to further ask why the majority of sexual violence killings can be traced back to the "male unacceptable rejection"? Why is the woman's sense of autonomy contrary to the expectations of the man, will be derived into a motive for murder? When the perpetrator has a large tendency towards a certain sex, we have to talk about the structural problems in it.

What does the compulsory education teach? Gender education, affective education and life education

Recalling the archery coach Huang surname man's related news, most mentions the yellow surname suspect after kills the woman, still sweat with the friend to dine together to drink, even to the victim relatives missing the post message to express the concern.

Indeed, in general, we imagine that people will be haunted by guilt after committing a brutal homicide, eating without swallowing and sleeping peacefully. It is hard to wonder why the surname of the yellow archery instructor or the surname boxing instructor can still sweat after committing a crime.

According to a joint news interview, Peng Huijien, a professor of social work at Donghai University, said, "If the murderer does not feel that he is killing a life, torturing a body, but simply destroys or disposes of an object, the mind's obstacles are removed and the anxiety drops." 」

It may be a more extreme possibility to think of the object of murder as an item. But we also have to wonder, does society portray women as "other" people rather than "subjects" that serve the needs of men, and that in some extreme cases she is treated as an object?

We also have to think, if we teach all the children of sex: The body and life of ourselves and others are extremely precious, must be independent, do not need to serve others, for their own happiness is responsible, whether such a tragedy is less?

However, social arrangements for women's gender script are full of "other" imaginations: a good woman must be chaste (to the man), submissive (to others), built in motherly love and committed to sacrifice, women should act as caregivers, provide emotional labor to people, must be more sensitive to awareness and care for the feelings of others around.

Photo source |pexels

The gender script that society arranges for men is relatively focused on the "subject" of self-development: he must be "rational", which means neglecting and suppressing the emotional needs of oneself/others; he must succeed in the business, must pursue self-realization, avoid being a caregiver at home, otherwise it will be detrimental to masculinity; he should be sex. Conqueror, the more women you get, the more likely you are to show that you are attractive and masculine.

We cannot help wondering if there is no such two-dollar gender script that controls the way people expect themselves and treat them, does it not think that women should naturally satisfy the expectations of "him"? When the other person refuses to follow his script, does he know that his own desire cannot be taken from the other side? Is it possible to understand that the world does not revolve around him and that no one has the responsibility to take care of his emotions and needs?

We can't help but wonder if society does not impose chastity expectations on women and slut humiliation, is it clear that a woman's body and sex have always belonged only to herself, not to her partner or to any other person, that she only needs to pursue her own pleasure and happiness, and that she does not have the responsibility to treat her body as an object, and to give the so-called "unopened" sex to others?

From these social expectations, we also see: society does not want women to put their own needs in the first place.

This is why gender education is important, affective education is important, and life education is important.

Gender education is to respect different gender, sexual orientation, gender temperament, understand and their own gender parameters of different people, as well as their own subjectivity, and appreciate the difference. Emotional education is about how to face, accept, deal with their own emotions, and for their own emotional responsibility, life education is based on the first two, the other as equal to their own subjects. You will know that two of people in one piece must include communication, including compromise, including respect.

When we talk about sex scripts that men and women are given, it is not that men and women are opposites, but instead, because they do not believe in "What boys are, how girls are," we have to see how the gender two-dollar script limits people's actions, and how we respond and how we generate discussion and change.

be taken for granted; be accepted not, so know how to cherish

From the intimate relationship killings to the murder of attempted sexual assault, we also ask, why accept the woman's refusal, it will be so difficult?

Woman fan columnist Cai Yiwen once discussed the relationship between Taiwan's "pursuit of Culture" and men's more difficult to accept "rejection" setbacks:

In the present society, the negation of choosing a spouse is often considered by the individual as the " Itself "the negation, therefore, the pursuit of this process is often accompanied by growth, such as the Giddens must work hard to study in general, men by constantly improving their own conditions, always think that in the end the negative will disappear, become positive, and may even become" a lot of women affirmation. "

The importance of rejecting this matter becomes the criterion for judging you. Especially those who think they should have met all of these standards, that they should be able to rely on efforts to get in love with people. And these "think" all come from the pursuit of culture.

In a traditional patriarchal society, men are almost guaranteed to have a woman who, through family arrangements or blind dates, can naturally have a woman to take care of his daily life, meet sexual needs, and bear the responsibility of procreation. In modern society, gender status is gradually equal, but women still bear most of the role and expectation of care. It is a matter of course for some extreme men to satisfy his needs as a man. To be rejected is tantamount to a denial of masculinity.

In April this year, a truck crash occurred in Toronto, Canada: Alec Minachian (Alek Minassian) drove his van to the sidewalk in Toronto, killing 10 people and injuring more than 10 people, according to the new York news . He posted a post on Facebook before the move. Referred to the "involuntary Virgin Uprising" (Incel Rebellion,incel is an abbreviation for involuntary abstinence Involuntary celibates).

Photo source | Alec Mina Youtube

"The involuntary Virgin Uprising has begun!" "The FB article wrote. "We're going to overthrow all the chads (the men who are popular with women) and Stacys (the pretty women who refuse to love or have sex with incel)!" Salute to the supreme Gentleman Elliott Roger! 」

"Girls put their feelings, sex and love to other men, but never give it to me," said Otte Roger, who shot six people without distinction in 2014 years. "I'm 22 years old." I'm still a virgin. I've never kissed a girl before. 」

The bravest man is the one who dares to embrace his frailty.

We understand that rejection is indeed a frustrating thing, but refusal is just a refusal, no one has the obligation to satisfy our imagination, this time failed, look forward to the next time better, or adjust themselves. Refusing is not denying you everything, but the one who refuses has his own expectation, will and imagination.

We also understand that rejection is heartbreaking, even in some cases, it may be the shattering of the sky, but if we can understand: the rejection is taken for granted, accepted not, but also more know how to cherish a relationship between the Hard-won.

Perhaps, at this point, we can open up a possibility of male-female sharing, by sharing the rejected experience, it is not a big deal to be rejected, even a gift of life, to help us move forward, to be a better person, to know that happiness is not false, and to share the heartbreak and the shattering of the departed relationship. Will know that this pain is not unique to their own, but the body and human life experience, understand from the lovelorn or broken relationship gradually recover, is how powerful a feeling.

Accepting rejection, accepting heartbreak, admitting pain, admitting that you are actually weak, and respecting each other's wishes even when you are reluctant to let go, is the most courageous act. Heartbreak, rejection, who has not experienced, every time is very painful, we know. Here women are obsessed with the "lovelorn survival package", as well as the emotional support community "lovelorn Planet", which embraces lovelorn experiences, and does not fear to fly once and for all, embracing their emotions is the bravest thing you can do for yourself.

Photo source |pexels