My orgasm doesn't mean I like it! TED talks about "sexual arousal inconsistency"

"At the time, we were all ready. "She described the situation at the time," I feel very much like him, but he suddenly sat up and said to me: "You are not wet below, forget it, you do not want." 』

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The physiological response is the brain.

The atmosphere is right, each other is burning, in the critical moment how can not succeed? Do you know that apart from the possibility of physical problems, it may also be due to "sexual arousal inconsistency"?

Emily Nagaski, a sex educator, said in Ted Talk that the brain has a region called the compensation hub (reward system), which has three separate but interwoven systems that affect our desires and actual reactions:

Like (liking)

The "like" system is controlled by a nerve conduction substance similar to opium, which assesses the pleasure of things: "Does this thrill feel good?" How good is that? "Is this kind of stimulation bad?" How bad is it? "If you drop one or two drops of sugar syrup on the baby's tongue, the opium in his brain will be triggered, creating a happy

Want (wanting)

The "Want" system is controlled by dopamine, which motivates us to act further.

Learning (Learning)

To the famous experiment "Pavlov dog" as an example, Pavlov let the bell and food, so the dog every time hear the sound of the bell drooling, but this does not mean that the dog wants to eat the bell, but the dog knows "the bell" is connected with "food".

By separating these three systems, we can explain the so-called "sexual arousal inconsistency". According to the findings of previous studies, sexual stimulation can cause a person's genitals to react, but it is not very consistent with the two subjective experiences of "want" and "like", the range falls in the 10%~50%, the range is very large, it is difficult to guess whether the reproductive reaction is consistent with the subjective experience. In simple terms, the pleasure of the other person is not to be guessed by the genital reaction when making love.

That question comes, if in the sex, cannot use the genital reaction to guess whether satisfies each other, the other party whether "wants", that should how to know?

Pictures | TED Movie screenshot

I don't mean to have sex with you.

"I was sleeping soundly," she said, "and he hugged me from behind, ripped his underwear off, and pressed me to do it." Then he said, "I don't want to do it!" "These few words, but I don't know ... don't know how to explain the following because his touch gets wet. 」

It is the most direct and simple way to express your wishes directly.

What is the experience of love experts talk about books, television, film, and even a film, often in conveying a concept: "Body reaction can express a person's thoughts," when the man's bottom swelling, is to create the desire, when the woman under the wet, is to do, even think that the other party said not to be, the other said hate is like. Before making love, we look up data on the Internet, listen to experience, and use our own methods to "predict and generalize" the actions and ideas of sexual partners, but ignore the importance of dialogue and communication. (Recommended reading: adult film does not teach you the thing: comfortable sex focus on the enemy )

Instead of referring to a bunch of data, it's better to exchange ideas, share what you want, and how you want to be treated, and the two will add more fun.

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However, communication between sex has always been hard to talk about. Always feel that the other half is rejected, will be embarrassed, some even angry. He will mistakenly think that his performance to make you dissatisfied, guess the past several times your reaction has been good, will not be your own body problems? Or is there something wrong with your body?

Instead of trying to guess the other person's mind, simply explain why, for example: "I do not want to do now, because it is not on your body, I am not very good at work today ⋯⋯" or: "I enjoy the past and your every one-time love, perhaps we can try to see new posture (or toys), which can let us all more input. If it is still difficult to open, two people can try to cultivate a small tacit understanding, for example, when the other party really want to, back with a kiss, or back to hug.

Of course, the need to emphasize that couples, even between husband and wife sex is not an obligation, there is no so-called "love I will meet Me", when the two sides did not reach a consensus, do not have the same will, all do not call reasonable, so do not think that they refuse each other, we must feel sorry (Extended reading: "gender Watch" "I'm more like a sex toy than my wife." Why should we talk about marital rape? )

Everyone needs to know "why sexual arousal is inconsistent."

"Imagine you are a jury, and when you know the orgasm of a sexually abused victim, will it change your mind about the victim in this case?" Emily Nagaski in the film finally assumed such a situation.

Pictures | TED Movie screenshot

What do you think? If they are still judged by their physical manifestations, the public will feel that the victims agree and enjoy them. Society is stamped on the victim, and the victim will mark himself, and he will begin to feel ashamed of his physical reaction: "I should have hated it, and it was the wrong of the sexual aggressor, because I had an orgasm, does it mean I enjoy it and love it?" 」

Things do not, the physiological response is an involuntary pressure release, in short, it does not represent the wishes of the victim. (Recommended reading: 20 common myths about male sexual assault victims: "You have a reaction that you want")

That's why everyone needs to know about sexual arousal inconsistencies. We should understand that physiological reactions cannot be controlled, and we should understand that body reactions do not mean liking or wanting. It's time to cut off these old ideas! Let each other know "genitals can not tell you what I like, I can!" 」