Woman fan August talk about lovelorn, this gender observation, to look at the growth of the boy's veins, they lovelorn in the thinking of what? How can repressed emotions find an outlet?
"Or, I was just intimidated by the way I needed you." Paul McCartney (Paul Macartney) "Maybe I was scared" (Maybe I am amazed)
August theme Talk about lovelorn, I find paradox: The male friends around, rarely talk about their lovelorn story.
By comparison, I have heard almost all of my female friends talk about their lovelorn process--shock, piercing, sadness, and then slowly recover. Most of them can use a rich vocabulary to describe the feelings of heartbreak, the impact of lovelorn, or even talk about the lovelorn let her learn.
However, the male friends mentioned the lovelorn, often just understatement, stating "We broke up" the fact, or anxious to say "Don't worry, I'm fine." The feelings of their own rarely described, if there are, most of the three words around: "sad", "anger", "no sense."
Lovelorn "Sad", in addition to sad in the past has become memories, many male friends also mentioned, feel like a "part of their own disappeared," but what part is not.
Lovelorn "Anger", mostly point to think oneself be cheated, betray. Betrayal does not necessarily come from outsiders, the shared vision no longer, the original "Together" commitment broken, may be interpreted as betrayal, so began to suppress the emotional link with others desire, "anyway, the final always let people disappointed." 」
The "no sense" of lovelorn, is a part of the people told me that he is often not in the process of lovelorn experience a huge amount of emotion, "at least not as fierce as others." 」
In the emotional zone of lovelorn, there are huge differences between male and female, from feelings and interpretations to treatment. What is the cause of the difference? Where did the boy's mood go? Does anyone care, the boy actually all the way also lasted for a long time?
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Where is the boy's mood: from birth to be stereotyped
Male liberation, the book mentions that boys from the moment of birth, people and boys/girls interact with each other, began to affect the emotional performance of boys.
In Western family contexts, academics have found that parents more often embrace baby girls, a significant difference when babies are 13 months old: girls give parents more touch and talk than boys. The baby boy unconsciously, develop the personality of the emotional retardation. According to the men's liberation, men's behavior patterns began to develop at the 13-month-old, and behavior was acquired through learning, unrelated to the sex of chromosomes, gonads or hormones.
The boy's emotional learning is related to how the society treats his feelings and treats groups of his own sex.
For example, social expectations of men are "strong and not vulnerable", which prevents boys from admitting their emotions and hindering the emotional development of boys. The Book of Cain's seal mentions that this is a process that guides a boy away from his inner self, and can be called a boy's wrong emotional education. The society generally recognizes or expresses oneself by the way that male "anger" or "emotion pulls away".
This also makes many men uncomfortable describing sadness and fragility, and many times they don't even know how to describe their feelings or what they feel.
Woman fan columnist Seaweed Bear is also in the " Men's lovelorn front | Sea Moss bear: the most boring is not lovelorn, but lovelorn but said not to export " article, mentioned the boy's three dilemma:
- Lack of emotional awareness: the so-called man, to cry and so on to cry, but when we turn our attention to work, long-term lack of care for their own emotions, until the next time sad, may not even their own sadness is not clear. This sadness may become a nail biting, substance abuse, internet addiction, etc., with other stimuli to suppress the anxiety not seen [12-13].
- Lack of emotional vocabulary: from childhood training men have tears do not light bombs, grow up to become even if there is no talk of tears, may want to cry, may be nasal acid, but there is no good words to describe their own sadness .
- Lack of emotional partners: As seen before, men are expected to "have the ability to"[15, "together with the problem, often to" solve "mainly, when things can not be resolved, and will not appease the mood, but with drinking or funny to escape. Unfortunately, the feelings of a lot of things can only understand can not solve the beer party that day, as long as there is a person can try to understand the feeling of G, do not have to solve, also do not need to be funny, perhaps his suffering can be seen.
A boy needs a man with a rich emotional life as his role model . Emotion is an important aspect of human nature, and it is the basic difference between man and machine. The consequences of repressed emotions are obvious:
95% of teenage murderers are boys, and suicide is the second leading cause of death among adolescent boys. Compared with girls of the same age, the 15-Year-old boy had seven times times more success rate of suicide. --"The Seal of Cain," page 28.
Masculine culture encourages men to suppress emotions
Boys ' emotional performance was stereotyped from birth, and the masculine culture continued to encourage men to suppress their emotions when they grew up. Even the emotionally rich, willing to admit their fragile men, often can not be shown. Although people always say, "No one is trying to stop men from expressing their feelings," few men are willing to make public attempts. Not in the real world, nor in movies.
"Everyone has the time of lovelorn, and every time I fall out of love, I will go to run, because running can evaporate your body inside the water, and let me not so easy to shed tears." --"Chongqing forest" Jincheng Martial
Even if people say it's okay, it's not a sin to cry, but really, there are always costs.
A friend talked about his own experience, he once cried in front of a colleague because of the setback in his family and work. "Within one hours, all the people in the office knew about it, no one said anything, just looked at me with a strange eye." There was a man who made fun of me without being manly, but the deliberate silence of others meant the same thing. I promise I will never cry again in my life. --"Men's Liberation", page 96.
The emancipation of the gender framework is not just a slogan for men to cry, but to think whether it is possible for us to give support, not ridicule or indifference, to men when they are vulnerable. Let them know, reveal the fragile, is the body and the important part of human, express fragile, more people close to the human nature.
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Why society cannot face the fragility of men
The seal of Cain mentions that society suppresses the emotional development of men because "boys are taken for granted as future winners, leaders (Girls are not)". And people do not know how to face the vulnerability of men, also do not know how to face the men who are not afraid of weakness.
When a sex boy lovelorn, back to the male partner, the situation is mostly boisterous, which also shows a group of boys overwhelmed. "I know you are sad, I understand," said the other. "But I do not know how to express comfort, care and empathy, but also do not want to appear vulnerable to the boys, said the words became a variety of escape from the mood of the words: Ah don't think, come to drink, dry!" or negative emotion: "There are so many good women, forget this one, the next will be better!" 」
The men's Liberation book has another example: Larry and Joyce together on a business trip, and a small accident happened. Afterwards, people went to Joyce and asked her if she was frightened or sad. form an atmosphere that encourages her to relieve her mood. People go to Larry, even if they want to express their concern, and finally just say, "Good boy, just a little bit." Are you okay? Is the car all right? Larry and Joyce were returned to their seats, and the woman seemed relatively relaxed, and the man still looked tense.
What a woman wants to do is to support Joyce, to support Larry, to listen to his feelings and to provide companionship. August theme "lovelorn front" care about the mood of lovelorn, we invite men to talk about the feelings of lovelorn, but also prepare "lovelorn survival package", hope that boys can never deny their own sadness began to realize that you are not alone, we are always here with us.