"What about my parents when you're gone? "When I heard that I wanted to go home for a while, my husband felt amazing, and my eyes revealed how absurd he thought it was. But I'm not leaving, what about my parents? Who's going to take care of my parents?
After I got married, I began to learn how to be a "good Wife" and "good daughter-in-law." At that time, I thought, my husband outside work, I should take care of the family big things, so that he has no worries. For decades, day after day. As the parents gradually aged, the body pulled the alarm, the frequency of the hospital increased, and even the inconvenience, need help, these things fell on my head; at the same time, I more and more often received calls from my parents, two old health conditions worse, old disease relapse, new disease regeneration Repeatedly holding the microphone distraught unceasingly, but can not do anything.
Of course, I am not unwilling to take care of the health of my in-laws, but I would like to take the time to care for my parents-my filial piety can almost only be practiced in the husband's husbands, this matter makes me very uncomfortable, but I can not go, whenever I want to discuss this matter with my husband, always shrouded in inexplicable guilt, let me have
Since living in my husband's family, I seem to have embarked on a second life-to readjust to new families, new families, new patterns of life. I often miss my parents and miss the whole family's dinner around the table. I took a good cook from my mother, but I barely cooked it for her, as if to make up for this regret, and I worked very hard every day to cook dinner.
At the beginning, I often comfort myself, parents live a OK is lucky, people will eventually grow up to start a family, it seems that do not have to always miss, know each other's state can be stable. However, the idea gradually disintegrated as I heard that the health of my parents was deteriorating, and I wanted to run home to visit and take care of them again. "What about my parents when you're gone? "You take care of it." "I'm going to work!" "When I heard that I wanted to go home for a while, my husband replied to me in an incredible tone, and my eyes revealed how absurd he thought it was.
But I'm not leaving, what about my parents? Who's going to take care of my parents?
The above story, you may not be strange. According to the 2011 data of the Ministry of the Interior, the gender distribution of the main family caregivers is more than 60.46% per cent of that of women than that of men; while the proportion of male caregivers has gradually grown, it is still dominated by female caregivers. According to a survey conducted by the Family Caregiver Care Association of the Republic of China, there are currently about more than 700,000 persons with incapacitation, intellectual and physical and mental disabilities in Taiwan, of whom 50% are entirely dependent on family care, nearly 30% are employed by foreign workers to see carers, and only 20% use government long-view resources.
Picture | Source
When the long picture becomes the burden of the housewife
From this, it can be seen that family care in fact implies gender issues.
The daughter-in-law in the story, in addition to having to take care of the mother-in She wants to be a competent daughter-in-law, but also want to be a filial daughter, in a quandary. After marriage, if you live in your husband's house and have no financial ability, you are prone to falling into the scope of unlimited expansion of domestic work, it is difficult to escape.
However, the care of the elderly should not be differentiated by gender.
In the past, the public thought that women were more careful and cautious, suitable for nursing work, or, as in the above story, the protagonist was confined to the status of a full-time housewife, as if she should be responsible for all the housework, including the meticulous pay to the in-laws. The invisibility of the husband in the care of the matter may come from the notion of a simple dichotomy of "foreign Affairs/Internal Affairs", which leads the husband to believe that it is only necessary to fight outside and become the backbone of the economy, but the domestic work is not limitless, and the wife also needs to take care of her native family. The result of the lack of good communication between the two sides is that the wife is exhausted and the husband is unable to understand.
Care is easy to become a huge mental and physical burden on caregivers, on the one hand, carers are busy, in addition to caring for the elderly, but also to take care of other things, on the other hand, is not familiar with the way of care, many people are the first time to help others rehabilitation or toilet, wash, in the process of their own hard work labor, However, it is not possible for the elderly to be properly cared for. (Recommended reading: When the old man stabbed his beloved wife and reflected on the tragedy of the long picture in Taiwan drama Therapy class )
Here, perhaps first to break a myth-filial piety does not have to be in the hands of the force.
How do I communicate with my family? What can I do?
People are not a machine, when the care of labor beyond the load range, want to escape, feel tired are normal, do not need to be overly guilty.
The conundrum the woman faces in the story may be your epitome, or you've seen and heard similar events. Whether it is work outside the home or housework has a hard place, need to be compassionate and understanding each other, sometimes, we can jump off their original position, change their identity to think, you originally thought "OK", "do not Matter" things, may become less natural Oh!
Give the protagonist of the story and empathy for some of your little suggestions:
If you like, try to discuss the elderly care with your spouse, communicate with your parents in the same age, learn more about each other's ideas, and come up with the most suitable model. (Recommended reading: in an intimate relationship, we all need "the courage to Communicate")
First of all, slowly open the opportunity for dialogue-it's best not to argue on both sides for this matter. " By the way, "put forward, when both of them are angry, difficult to discuss rationally, and finally easy to become the words of each other, there is no way to understand each other, try to find a sufficient period of time for the two people to be quiet to talk, perhaps before bedtime is a very suitable time."
After opening the dialogue, put forward your feelings, but also timely praise the other side has to pay, such as: "I know you work outside very hard, but take care of your parents at the same time, I also want to take care of my parents ⋯⋯" try to let the other side stand in your position to think: "Your parents pull you up But I also have a heartache that no one in my parents is next to ⋯⋯"and then put forward your idea:" Can we share the care work together? " "There are many forms, such as: The day is taken care of by the wife, the husband takes over at night, and if the two are not able to afford it, consideration may be given to seeking external resources to help.
The Government and the public provide many long-available resources, such as home services, Community day care centres and so on, and can also try to apply for subsidies if they have financial considerations. Allowing professionals to take care of them will not only reduce the mental and physical burden on the family, but also take care of the elders more appropriately. You can try to make good use of external resources in a gradual manner to avoid the whims of the elders. For example, start with home service, so that elders slowly get used to being cared for by outsiders, and then further use of day care centers.
Let professionals share the family care services, the family can devote more effort to the spiritual level, and the elders to carry out spiritual exchanges and dialogue, reduce the conflict caused by care, and create a good interactive relationship.
Although everyone's values are different, in fact, we all want to do a part of the heart for this family. Some people think that filial piety is to be on standby and obedient beside their parents, while others feel that mental concern is more important and therefore hand over Labour care work to professionals in due course. Perhaps we can redefine and think about the "filial piety" thing.