Interview with "The courage of being hated" and "the courage to Wander for love", the author of the bank saw Ichiro next. Relationships, we often judge whether a person has contributed, and then determine his value, such as "What I have done for you" and "what you have changed for me". This idea of contributing to the theory of "behavior" loses value once the other person "can't do something."
Interview with the previous article: interview with the bank Ichiro: the definition of a relationship failure or success, itself is very strange
Existence of the theory of identity: Your existence alone is valuable
I remember that when I read "The courage to Wander for love," there was something that struck me particularly deeply: before you had the courage to walk into a relationship, you had to feel self-worth first.
This matter is really a bit difficult ah, even the people who are now in a close relationship, may also hope that the other side to identify with, praise, so find ways to become a partner favorite appearance. Bring back ownership of self-worth, and I ask, how exactly do you build self-worth?
"Still be honest and accept yourself." "The shore sees the teacher to describe the relationship between the ability to feel the love and oneself is also loved, is" I just play themselves can, do not particularly good or particularly bad "use to change their own to get love, such an effort can not be long. And to feel their own value, there are actually two ways:
The first is to look at your shortcomings from a different perspective.
"Don't look at what you're given, it depends on how you use what you're given," Adler said. 」
People with introverted personalities are often thought to be cloudy, but you don't need to force yourself to be cheerful and optimistic for the sake of Beau's love, and it is impossible to change the state. So Adler thinks, don't look at what you have in your hand, but how to use it. If your character is considered introverted, you can think that in fact is afraid of words and deeds to hurt each other, so especially concerned about each other's actions, their own Yin Shen, in fact, is delicate mind, easy to understand other people's ideas ah.
There is also a second way to accept yourself, to identify with your own existence.
People will determine self-worth because of their contribution, and act to judge whether a person has contributed, such as what I have done for you, what you have changed for me. This idea of contributing to the theory of "behavior" loses value once the other person "can't do something."
So in Adler's theory, more emphasis is placed on the so-called "existence identity", that is, regardless of the external environment, behavior status, I agree with "your existence", just your existence has contributed.
As far as possible to meet the people who identify with your existence, the shore to see the teacher's eyes gentle and authentic, like a very small baby, even if he does nothing, but for parents, he just live, is a happy thing.
We are all used to put their ideal frame on each other, and then with the way to reduce points, if you can take the other side of the "existence" as the starting point, what the other side will be added points. The bank saw the teacher began to smile softly, taking his condition as an example, and then describing such a picture:
When he got up and opened his eyes and found that he had lived another day, the other side was still alive, and that was a very happy thing.
San Muqing, the philosopher of the Kyoto School of Japan, once mentioned that "happiness is about existence".
"So we are not" happy ", but at this moment, the present is happy. "said the bank, seeing the teacher.
It only takes a simple reason to deal with relationships.
In the age of promoting positive energy, our confusion is hidden, there is nowhere to rely on, no one told us to accept ourselves is a good thing, the shore to see the teacher but built a bridge, so that we can go to the other side. That day interview, in retrospect, like a confession, all anxious, eager to be soothed, I said the relationship is very complicated, the shore see the teacher cast to understand the eyes, said but people get along with the truth is the same yo.
Always think that they are in the relationship rapids, desperately pounding, struggling ashore, but perhaps the cause of the rapids is our own. Shore See teacher said, the relationship is the same type, whether it is friendship, workplace, love, family, all relationships are interpersonal relationships. When you learn to build a good relationship, you can solve all the problems that are oriented.
"When one can maintain a good relationship in one respect, so can other relationships." 」
So is there a way to be happy? For people to ask endlessly, I think, the shore to see the teacher gave the answer.
The beginning of the shore to see the teacher, small body quite sitting in the chair, originally because the teacher's scholar status is a little nervous, but after meeting found that there is no serious to their own thinking, but elegant with kindness, talk about relations, no sense of preaching, seriously listen to your problems, the same as your concerns, and then put forward a solution.
When I came home that day, I listened to Patti Page singing "Tennessee Waltz", think the tune is not as sad as the lyrics, but in fact, the loss is not necessarily a sad thing, in the relationship, there is nothing absolute ah.