In the play, lawyer Wang Amnesty and his wife Mei Mei, from emotional harmony to gradually quarrel, and finally a big quarrel, Mei Mei with children moved back to the mother's house. Do you have that experience, too? And he has been together for a long time, began to produce friction, how he seems not to be the original you fell in love with the look? Why do we and our loved ones drift away and eventually break down? How do you fix relationships?
"I did this, from beginning to end, withno intention of making no unreasonable noise with you. I just want to protect our kids, I don't want them to get hurt. But I don't know why in your eyes, it becomes like, I am not tolerant enough, because I have no way to understand these people. 」
"Because of all these things you encounter, only anger, fear, and your timidity, you simply don't have a chance to understand what's going on behind their backs." Will the society be better if you get all these people up, lock them up, kill them all, and let them disappear into this world? No! (Same episode: Pick the play for you, "Our Distance from Evil" some crime, so that the whole society is heartbroken)
In the "Our Distance from Evil" drama, lawyer Wang Amnesty and his wife Mei Mei, from emotional harmony to gradually quarrel, and finally a big quarrel, Mei Mei decided to take the children back to the mother's house.
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Have you ever had that experience? You may also grow up with the other half in a completely different family background, just together not long, many difficulties will be covered up by love, but over time, you gradually because of different values, more friction;
From when did we and our loved ones drift away and eventually collapse?
Why do we get to the point where we don't have a bad relationship?
Clinical psychologist Melanie Greenberg provides you with a few understandings of the underlying reasons for forming negative relationships.
- Blame
In the event of a "strange man breaking into a kindergarten", Mei Mei decided to change the kindergarten for her child for safety reasons, and Wang said it would not help. Mei Mei believes that Wang amnesty is not enough for her and the children' sake; The two had difficulty discussing it and eventually gave up communication.
When a relationship cracks, you may blame your partner for some of the negative consequences. It's not meant to hurt the other person, of course, but you may think there's a better way to do things, or you think you know what to do best.
Many problems, not only caused by one factor, are multiple factors. The other half may have done nothing wrong, but you may see it directly from your own perspective, so when he has a different view and actions, you blame him for anger, and you can't help but talk, and in the process of communicating, you only accumulate full of negative emotions and can't touch the point of your discussion.
Blame and criticism will gradually erode the other's self-esteem and reduce trust between you. To love one person, you must understand each other and support each other's personal growth.
- Lack of trust
Mei Mei does not understand why Wang Amnesty defends the perpetrator, especially in her mother, pregnant at the moment, this is her and Wang Amnesty's values conflict. After the "strange man broke into the kindergarten" after the thrilling incident, Wang Amnesty in order to pursue the case, please frightened Mei Mei first took the child home, did not accompany his peers, resulting in mei Mei frustrated, but also the cracks in trust.
The following may make us feel like we've lost trust in our partner: finding that the other person is dishonest, hiding from you, feeling that the other person is unreliable, that he or she can't show up when he or she needs it, and questioning his values.
People may get married or enter a relationship because they see what they don't have in their partner. As the longer you get along, the more frictionyous, the more iable the difference in values between the two.
Lack of trust leads you to feel emotionally estranged from each other and to become agitated and irritable. When you keep pushing each other away, you may ignore the love he gives you.
- Lack of emotional communication
Because Wang Amnesty took over the case of defending the perpetrator, the home often sounded the harassing phone in the middle of the night, she also worried that the child will be met with uncertainty, but Wang Amnesty for the sake of ambition, still choose to put into what he thinks he should do. Mei Mei can't help but think, for him, what is the importance of family and work?
When you are vulnerable, you especially desire the other half's love. You convey to him his unhappiness, but he doesn't know how to respond, so he tries to "solve the problem" rather than "listen" and "comfort." Your emotional needs are ignored, and although the other person tries to make rational statements, you still feel far away from the other person.
Do you and the other person have no emotional communication, resulting in increasing alienation, this feeling, you will make you doubt that their needs for this relationship, is really can be satisfied?
When the couple begins to live a life "like a roommate", communication is limited to Chaimi oil salt, the relationship between the two will gradually become less close, one or both of them feel lonely.
Fix relationships, don't forget to understand and be gentle
Here, you're combed through the advice and ways of marriage and family therapist Blake Griffin Edwards, and Dr. Gary Chapman's "Five Languages of Love" for you who are struggling to repair your relationship.
What do you want to do to repair the relationship? To refer to these three methods!
- Understand each other's perspectives and perspectives
Take a low profile and listen to each other at the right time. Both of you are afraid of a bad relationship, but may choose to deal with it differently. If the two sides do not communicate adequately first, even if you are trying to deal with the problem, still can not make a satisfactory solution. When you listen to the other person and try to understand, you get different points of view, you don't have to agree, but try to think: Why do the other person think like this? Why did the other party make this decision?
- Use "soft" emotions when dealing with or communicating
It is often assumed that "hard" emotions represent power and "soft" emotions represent vulnerability. You and I want to control each other in a relationship, and when you feel that power or status in the relationship is threatened, anxiety rises sharply. As a result, when quarreling, the two sides tend to "defend" their grievances or displeasure in their relationships with an "absolute" and "strong" attitude, whether it's yelling or crying.
- Know the emotional patterns that suit yourself and your partner: 5 languages of love
Dr. Gary Chapman, who has more than 30 years of experience in marriage counseling, presents "5 Languages of Love" in the book "How to Express Express CoiE To You Mate":
- Affirmative words: Always praise and encourage the other person, and also prefer to speak in a kind, humble manner.
- Give time: Be willing to spend a lot of time and attention on the other person, and do what he likes with him and her heart.
- Accept gifts: Buy and give gifts to the other person when they need you, but the gifts are not necessarily expensive.
- Service action: by serving each other to express love, such as: help to do household chores, drive pick-up, do a good meal.
- Physical contact: Longing for each other to reach out to touch them, for example: combing hair, holding hands, hugging, touching.
Everyone has their own habit and favorite way to "communicate love". If you don't understand the other person's preferences, it's much harder to communicate love to the other person. Example: A likes to accept gifts, B likes to affirm words. Thus, Although A has been giving gifts, B is actually looking to be praised. He suggests that partners need to learn the other half's "language of love" before communication works.
The photo is available on public viewing
Move back to the beauty of my mother's house, or heart to read Wang Amnesty. Mei Mei's mother, ask her what the advantages of Wang Amnesty? She smiled sweetly as she reflected: "Gentle, reliable, steady, hard-working and handsome, but i am the only person in my heart." 」
Although Mei Mei did not agree with Wang's philosophy of business at the time, he still regarded "seriouswork" as his merits. In fact, it would be difficult to make the other half 100 per cent perfect lying to your ideal. Two people from different family backgrounds, in the dispute, it is difficult to understand each other's ideas and opinions, coupled with the emotional catalysis of conflict, the relationship between the two fell to freezing point.
There may be a big reason why people love each other because we find the qualities we lack in each other. We and the other half, more or less different, these differences need to be faced by the two sides through communication and friction.
Wang Amnesty opened the door, thought that the eyes will be less wife and children empty cold, did not expect the food fragrance, the child ran to the embrace, his wife Meimei in the kitchen busy happy.
Mei Mei went home, and Wang also went home. Although there are many difficulties ahead, this may not be their only conflict, but they eventually learn to understand and gentle.
The two looked at each other and laughed, and the Buddha wanted to fall in love at first.