In a recent seminar, a male business owner chose to leave the table because the speaker on stage did not look at him when he answered his question. After the meeting, he said the other side "didn't look at me" and "I have a minimum of self-esteem." 」

With this incident, we would like to discuss why men are afraid of self-esteem being hurt. Also share a story.

A few days ago, there was a seminar in which a male business owner's question was interrupted by the moderator with "insufficient time" and a legislator who "didn't look at me" when answering the question, and then expressed his dissatisfaction in a media interview, saying: "I have a minimum of self-esteem." The lawmaker later clarified on Facebook that the reason for not looking at the questioner was because of the reflection and the need to take into account the conversation with the audience, while apologizing.

With this incident, we would like to talk to you about "masculinity" and why men are afraid of self-esteem being hurt and share a story.

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Men are afraid of self-esteem and women are afraid of physical injury

A documentary, No Safe Place: Violence Against Women, produced by PBS, a US public broadcaster, explores the origins of violence against women. Mary Dickson, the author of the documentary at the time, once did a survey in which she asked men and women, "What are you most afraid of?" How do you protect yourself? 」

Women express fear of being violent, children hurt, and describe fear in particular:

"I was worried about being attacked while running in the morning because it was always dark. I have a dog, so I can run with him. 」

"I'm afraid of being attacked by men, especially when I'm running, cycling or walking, and I don't go out alone at night. I used to run with headphones on, but now I can't, so I'm always on my watch. 」

"I was afraid of any situation that could easily suppress me, so I locked the door, parked my car in the light, and didn't run in the dark. 」

Men, on the other hand, say they are afraid of failure or humiliation:

"I'm afraid of being stupid. 」

"Failure is the greatest fear of my life. 」

"Make the wrong decision, and you have to live with the wrong." 」

"I feel my biggest fear is losing control. 」

Margaret Atwood, a well-known Canadian writer, once wrote that when she asked a male friend why men felt threatened by women, he replied "for fear of being laughed at" and when she asked women why they felt threatened by men, they said, "Because we're afraid of being killed." 」

The departure of male business owners who express edgtosis, and the results of the above survey, may make us reflect: Why are men more afraid of self-esteem being hurt than physical violence?

It is the expectationof of the traditional society for men to be hurt.

In this article, The Telegraph quotes Simon Gelsthorpe, a clinical therapist at the Care NHS Trust in Bradford, Uk, as saying that the source of a person's confidence-building is relationships, state, cultural values, and how the body works. Once one of these factors is destroyed, it affects our self-esteem. Men and women have similar sources of confidence-building, but when men experience a self-esteem crisis, they experience more fear and anxiety than women, and they don't know how to deal with it.

The reason for this is related to masculinity under the traditional system, with social psychologist Gary W. Wood (author of The Psychology of Gender) pointing out that the male role expected by the traditional system is "superior" and independent, stronger than others, and should not be easily revealed, a type of masculinity (masculinity) that is in fact harmful to men. The American Psychological Society's 2019 "First-ever guidelines for boys" (first-ever guidelines for practice sand and boys) note that 90 percent of homicides in the United States are male, and 77 percent of the victims are men;

The article also says that traditional masculinity will be associated with the following results (mostly negative results), such as anti-femininity, danger, risk, achievement, violence, and avoidance of weakness. Traditional masculinity advocates the pursuit of achievement, power status, so that men can be happy, but not allowed to show vulnerability, will not be able to relieve negative emotions, and thus affect the physical and mental health and social security of individuals, such as suicide and violence.

Think of the words in daily life, such as "boys cry what cry", "XX years ago no house no car is lu snake", "a big boy how can not move?" "Boys can't eat this? May be mindless, may be intentional, but that will invisibly block the male emotional outlet. When he is sad, can only swallow to the heart, when he is in pain, can only say that it does not matter, when he is powerless, no one can understand the same. It may be the "expectation" of men in this traditional society that hurts men.

Positive masculinity

In the past, we used to refer to traditional masculinity as "toxic masculinity", but in the American Psychological Association article, it did not specifically name "toxic masculinity", but rather to turn traditional masculinity into "positive masculinity", which is to encourage men to be aware of the underlying prejudice (violence, sexism) in their own male images, to abandon this part of traditional masculinity, and to improve the resilience of "brave, leadership" - that is, you don't have to be strong and brave forever. (Recommended reading:Gender Watch: Don't cry, demean women, and dominate with sex!) How does a boy's "masculinity" develop? ) )

"Sometimes you need to be strong, but when you stay strong, you believe, "If I don't do this, I'm a worthless person," " says Dr. Ryon McDermott, a psychologist at the University of South Alabama. 」

Previously, women fans had asked on Facebook to say in a word about the sexism they had heard, and men shared the discrimination they had heard:

"Boys shouldn't care so much about it. 」
"Men you have to have shoulders, you have a car and a house. "
"Our room is open you are not a man in the end?" 」
"Ah, isn't the date a boy inviting dinner?" 」
"Women please eat, are you a little white face?" 」
"There is no house how my daughter will marry you. 」
"What kind of man can't support a family?" 」

We have seen difficulties regardless of gender. We are talking about gender in the hope that we can liberate the rigid framework of the current gender, where men and women can live on their own, not belimited by their gender, not oppressed by gender impressions, and in this world, shape what they want.