Interview with the gay hotline Peng Zhileng: There is a kind of intimate violence that "if you don't come out for me, you don't love me"

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Women's fans interviewed Peng Zhileng, deputy secretary-general of the Taiwan Gay Hotline Consultation Association.

In the previous article, we talked about possible scenarios for gay people to face bullying on campus (Extended reading: Interview with Gay Hotline Peng Zhiyi: Ye Yonghua incident, being thrown down and bullying is everyone's fear). In adulthood, if they encounter intimate relationship violence, the gay community has relatively fewer resources than heterosexuals. The Gay Counseling Hotline Association also provides resource referrals for intimate relationship violence, which is also a project for Peng Zhiliao.

In fact, in 2009, the LGBT Hotline and the Modern Women's Foundation launched a "Gay Intimate Violence Assistance Program".

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Speaking of this, he immediately pointed out the data: "What we were concerned about at that time was why the Domestic Violence Prevention Act has been amended, and gay couples can also apply for protection orders, but in fact the proportion of people seeking help is only a small number. [1]」

"Less than ten a year?" I asked. He shook his head, "In a few years, less than ten."

Comrades are not sensitive enough about intimate violence

Sometimes I also feel that gay people are very insensitive to the violence of intimate relationships.

Why? Because before the word intimate relationship violence appeared, it was called "marital violence" and "domestic violence". (Extended reading: Gender Dictionary|What are the intimate relationship violence?) ）

The words "marriage" and "domestic violence" sound very indifferent to gays. Marriage has nothing to do with our life experience. We talk about maternal and child safety and the women's and children's hotline, but if it is a gay man, no one will feel that "that is a resource I can use".

He recalled: "A gay man once asked me, 'So can I really call the Modern Women's Foundation for help?' They have women in their names." They will wonder in their hearts, is this really something that men can also use? (Read more: Is he a dangerous partner?) Eight warning signs of intimate relationship violence)

Because society is hindered by stereotypes and designates the victims of violence as women, this imagination makes gays less aware of violence. I don't know where to ask for help. It sounds sad, because it has never been included in the national protection system, so I never feel that such a service is for "myself".

Another situation is that even if comrades really ask for help, it is difficult for social workers to take on it because of their lack of awareness. This is why the LGBT hotline is partnering with the Modern Women's Foundation. They assist modern social workers in conducting gay-related courses to draw more attention to the corners of their eyebrows.

"Many social workers themselves are very friendly to gays, but they may not understand the concerns that gay people may have when reporting domestic violence."

"For example, when you want to apply for documents, you need to fill in the information. Some comrades who have not come out will hope that follow-up documents will not be sent to the place of household registration, for fear that their families will receive them. We train social workers to be sensitive and alert to individual cases."

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There is an intimate violence that says, "If you want to break up, I'll help you come out."

There are also some comrades' intimate violence, not physical, but verbal.

"Threatened to come out" is probably the most common one. This is a situation that only gay violence encounters. Most heterosexuals don't encounter such things.

"Intimate relationship violence often accompanies the breakup stage." Peng Zhiqiao said. "The person I am talking about is the perpetrator, and we use the word perpetrator or perpetrator less and less." Because in a relationship, interaction is often a two-way street. (Read more: Partnership Testing: Are You at Risk of Violence?) ）

"There was a couple of cases where they were gay couples. The victim was a college student, and the other party was an older man in a heterosexual marriage, with a wife and children, and of course, his spouse did not know. When the couple was on the verge of breaking up, it was very difficult for the other person to accept it, and they said a lot of threats to help their partner come out, talk to his family, run to the residence to make trouble, and self-harm."

Peng Zhiqiao continued. "To be honest, when I heard this experience, the first thing that came to my mind was that there should be a lot of hard work for others. Let him behave like this."

His upbringing suggests that he has a lot of hard work. First, he was much older, and the upbringing of that generation forced him to get married and have children. Therefore, he has two sides of life. On the one hand, he wants to live a superficial heterosexual life, but on the other hand, he wants to maintain his gay identity. Then, his age and identity also made him very afraid of coming out, so this relative was actually under a lot of pressure, and he must be trembling when he wanted to contact new comrades.

In this case, he will be afraid of not finding his next lover. It is also easy to focus on your partner.

"Later, when the case was contacted by us, we handed it over to two different social workers of the Modern Women's Foundation, because it required a meeting between the public department and a counselor, and finally we broke up smoothly." When someone understands his mood, the case is less likely to accumulate to the point of wanting to harm himself.

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Many times, when the other person uses violence, it is because he can't let go of the relationship, and he even uses his body as a weapon, implying that his resources are very scarce. No one understood him, he was desperate.

Another example is "If you don't want to come out for me, you just don't love enough."

Another conflict also includes the fact that the two parties come out to different degrees. Why don't you let me know your friend? You fit in with my family, and I look forward to your family accepting me. But this is actually asking the other party to deal with his relationship with his family of origin. This is the point where I hear a lot of conflicts between gay couples. This is the violence that arises from the pressure of gay identity.

He gave an example, there was a pair of lesbians, one of them had come out, both parents knew, and the other party was completely confidential. There will be conflicts between the two. "Do you love me or not?" "If you love me, you should tell your family."

From holding hands on the road to forced marriage, it can become the cause of quarrels.

Many times, the two sides come out to different degrees because of unequal resources, not because of the amount of love.

"In this situation, we will recommend the case as a partner consultation, so that both parties can listen to each other's difficulties, and many times the other party is actually making an effort, but you don't see it, or the speed is not as fast as you expected."

Moreover, we must also see that this violence is due to the uneasiness and fear of structural discrimination between the two. When we say that "threats to come out are a form of intimate violence unique to gays," we must also see that it is precisely because gay people are still discriminated against in society that coming out becomes difficult.

As a heterosexual, there is almost no need to bear such pressure.

In fact, comrades are ordinary people. The problems we encounter are common to everyone." Most of the differences are often derived from social discrimination.

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Marriage equality has allowed at least some comrades to get out of pessimistic fatalism

May 24 is just around the corner. The same-sex marriage bill is about to pass. Peng Zhileng also talked about the upcoming marriage equality. He said: "I think marriage equality may allow the entire gay community to be a little more optimistic from the long-term pessimistic fatalism."

Many gay people have long imagined that intimate relationships cannot last long" and "it is impossible to get married anyway", so they are prone to a more negative attitude towards the stability of the relationship.

When some people think that talking about marriage is an outdated imagination of marriage, it is voluntarily falling into the control of the state system. But from the other side, perhaps marriage equality has not only the impact of marriage itself, but also a kind of solidarity to a greater extent: we have slowly been seen and understood by society from a long-term marginal position.

After marriage, more and more different aspects of gay narratives, hurt, heartbroken, and not sunny enough, can also be slowly understood by society, and catch more victims and counterparts who have been arrested.

Peng Zhilian returns to the first story.

If the self-harming gay man no longer just thinks, "I will not be in love for long, I will never meet the next person, I will never have true love in this life", he may not be so desperate to grab a lover and commit self-harm or hurtful behavior.

In particular, if society is more friendly to the ethnic group because of gay marriage, he may be able to slowly and gradually come out of the deep cabinet, little by little.

"It should be said that gay marriage has given us the whole group a little positive imagination of life."