Interview with Huang Chongren, director of the City Men's Old Stories Heart Station: At least don't let men feel isolated

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"Dating is meant to be paid for by boys!" "How can a boy cry?" "Without a house, how can my daughter marry you?" "What strawberries do men eat?" A few weeks ago, we were recruiting "#一句話說你聽過的性別歧視" on Facebook, and we received nearly 400 comments just for the male section. Regardless of biological sex, sexual orientation or gender temperament, everyone can be a victim of discrimination.

Gender power

So this time, we interviewed Huang Chongren, director of the "City Men's Old Stories Station", which mainly targets male cases. Listen to him, who is also a social worker, talk about the plight of men.

What exactly is "City Man's Old Stories Heart Station"?

The website of "Cheng Nan Old Stories Heart Station" states: The service targets are "ordinary male people and their families and partners". Services include growth courses for men, health talks, relationship counselling, relaxation spaces, and of course, referrals for intimate violence cases. The lighting in the center is warm and bright, and in addition to consultation and talks, new dad lectures, boxing aerobic classes, and wine tasting courses are held from time to time. There is a treadmill in the center and even yoga classes.

Gender power

Huang Chongren recalled that the old story of the city man was originally a men's service center entrusted by the Taipei Municipal Social Affairs Bureau to undertake the Zhang Teacher Foundation in 2016. Its special name was voted by the masses. "This name is the result of the vote at that time, a bit literary, making it look like a café." He joked.

"Originally, our name was set as the Men's Growth and Family Service Centre, which is a bit similar to the Women's Service Centre. But boys basically don't come because of this." That's why we need to do a renaming activity. On the one hand, it can also make men let down their guard.

This sentence hit me, why don't boys come because of this?

Huang Chongren talks: Different from the outside impression, men are actually alert and cautious

"Boys are very cautious and defensive. The boys in our impression are usually big and informal, right? But no, men are a very cautious group."

Gender power

Huang Chongren said. Compared with women, who are often encouraged to express their emotions and help each other, most men are encouraged to suppress their emotions, compete with each other, and survive on their own from birth. This is the social responsibility given to men by society.

As a result, they grow up relatively more lonely and alienated. In child psychologist Dan. Kinderun, Michael. In the book "The Seal of Cain" written by Thompson, the author also describes:

The most common complaint is that boys behave "not caring about others at all". We have heard too many times from senior teachers that they describe the boys in the class like this. We often interpret it as "immature", which sounds as if they will one day automatically mature and translate into a man's emotional life. However, this long-term attitude of ignoring and avoiding will not only affect others, but also the boy himself will be hurt at his own expense. Also due to the lack of emotional education. When they encounter a cruel peer culture, the reaction they learn is the so-called "man" way: anger and emotional detachment. (Extended reading: [Gender Observation] Isn't it a sin for a man to cry?) When I cry, society looks at me with strange eyes)

This kind of emotional detachment and distrust of the outside world is actually a way for boys to protect themselves.

Huang Chongren said that because of this, the old story of the city man has changed its name, and it has also been used as a general counseling and rest center, and has also held psychology classes for broken love, teaching classes for new fathers, wine tasting classes and aerobic boxing classes. The purpose of everything is to allow the male community to disarm and not worry so much about "walking in".

As a social worker who has served for many years, Huang Chongren's biggest dilemma in male cases is his reluctance to ask for help.

We know that boys often compete with each other in the company. This tension actually makes men dare not say a lot. We often think that boys have a very good relationship, crackling, and a big relationship, but if you look closely, most of the content is trash talk. They are not very good at expressing real emotions and thoughts, and they are not very good at undertaking them.

Taking a breakup as an example, many men have not as good an emotional repair ability as women after falling out of love, which is not necessarily innate, but most heterosexual men are not encouraged to learn to express and accept emotions when they grow up. "Sometimes, tell your male friends about it, and their way of comforting them is to find you to drink and play. They have no ill intentions, but they will tell you, why think so much? Just hand over another one. Or you are useless, I think this should have been dumped a long time ago, etc. But such a response may not be necessary at a time when people are hurting."

The structural factor that causes this repressive emotional status in the male community is actually the so-called "masculinity". Masculinity, in a predominantly heterosexual male community, defines a norm that conforms to the "masculine" appearance. (Further reading: "Toxic Masculinity" illustration book: Men also hurt and want to cry)

Gender power

Male dilemma: "masculine traits" make it difficult for us to express our true emotions

The so-called "masculine traits", as opposed to "femininity", refer to the advocacy of positive gender temperaments such as "strength", "positivity", and "aggressiveness", and they are considered masculine and masculine. Its essence is not absolute right or wrong, but just a set of simultaneous concepts of gender temperament.

However, when society consolidates masculine traits as social norms that men must abide by, it will cause many men who do not fit this framework, and there is no way to say it. Because masculine traits, on the one hand, encourage competition, and on the other hand, they also suppress weakness. This makes men become depressed, defensive, and unwilling to show weakness in order to conform to their masculine temperament, and are often willing to seek outside help when the problem is serious.

Huang Chongren gave an example that has often been seen since the establishment of the old story of the city man, he said:

Our office is on the third floor of the library, and sometimes the elevator is open, and people who want to enter the library will also peek by to take a look. Often women will come up to us and ask us, is this a new unit? Can I visit? There are many courses here, are they all for boys? Can girls listen together?

When we talk about psychological counseling and relationship dilemmas, women are actually very self-conscious, and they are very willing to contact and learn. "But on the other hand, what we often see is that many boys poke their heads outside our office and didn't come in for half a day. I often wanted to go out and invite him, but when I walked to the door, as soon as the automatic door opened, they immediately pretended to be okay and ran away."

So we now have a new policy, limit the registration of activities, didn't people talk about lady first before? For these activities, we all have to be man first, or dad must bring his children to sign up to increase parent-child interaction. Because if there is no limit, all the people who come are girls.

At least so that men do not feel isolated

Huang Chongren also mentioned that behind these soft activities, there is actually an important task, including undertaking cases of gender-based violence by men. Although the cases are minimal, they are very important. Because many men have a very low awareness of intimate relationship violence and are relatively reluctant to ask for help. In the era when 113 was also called the women's and children's hotline, and intimate relationship violence was also called marital violence, they were easily considered as the counterpart of the violence, not the victim.

According to the data of the Department of Protection and Welfare of the Ministry of Health and Welfare, the number of male victims is increasing year by year, from 27% in 2014 to 29.9% in 2018, an increase of 3,788 people, which is close to 30%. It is worth noting that for men, the number of minor victims is declining, and the main increase is mainly in young and middle-aged (18-65 years old) men.

Such data is not necessarily a bad thing, because it means that male victims are increasing their self-awareness because they know they are being bullied. In the past, men did not dare to speak up even if they were beaten, or did not realize that they were in the midst of violence. Intimate violence is not only physical, but also includes verbal, mental, and economic control.

"Secondly, in fact, a lot of violence is a process of hurting each other." The process and cycle of intimate relationship violence need to be clarified more carefully, but society rarely encourages them to speak out about their experiences of violence.

Gender power

"We once handled a case where a male university professor was subjected to domestic violence, and his wife also sued him for domestic violence, and the two were opponents of each other." Huang Chongren said. However, his experience in reporting cases is not very good, and in the police station, he is constantly questioned by the police, are you a professor? You are so strong, how can you let yourself be beaten?

"The person concerned is actually very sensitive. The speech is also very polite, but the society rarely hears about men being violated, so some people mistakenly think that this is a very suspicious thing."

"The Home Defense Center is now becoming more and more understanding of diverse ideas. Especially urban domestic violence, which is very diverse, is no longer like traditional patriarchy, and if you don't listen to me, I will beat you." This certainly does not mean that violence does not exist, it just becomes more diverse and complex.

He also reminded that if a man is violated, in fact, all existing channels can be reported. Including the 113 protection hotline, the Modern Women's Foundation, and the Chengmen's Old Affairs Station. "Because the Domestic Violence Law stipulates that social workers, psychologists, medical staff, and police all have the responsibility to report. If you do not report, you will be punished." (Extended reading: Interview with He Shining: #MeToo No matter how long the incident occurred, the victim is qualified to speak out of pain)

It is also because of ignorance that many men's predicament has become more serious. Huang Chongren said, "My past experience of intimate relationship violence has a deep feeling that when a male counterpart stands here today, people all over the world are pointing at him. How does he feel? What kind of behavior will they do?" If society is unwilling to understand, it just blindly accuses and attacks.

He said heavily, "They may wonder if I have no hope left."

I'm a man and I feel it too

Men are often cautious and distant about understanding emotions. Cain's Seal reads:

All boys have feelings. But the way others treat them often seems like they don't feel it, and the way they act seems to have no feeling. However, all boys are born endowed with emotional potential, sufficient to develop full emotions.

The book "Cain's Seal" describes this process of boys gradually moving away from their hearts as "emotional miseducation of boys".

What should this group of boys who have grown up to be men when they miss the emotional education on campus? First, give them resources for social support, and secondly, make them understand that there is no shame in asking for help.

The existence of Huang Chongren and the old story of the city man is to let men know that they have corresponding social resources.

Moreover, asking for help itself is a kind of courage.