Interview with Huang Chongren, director of the City Men's Old Stories Heart Station: Regardless of boys or girls, "making yourself who you are" is the most important

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How to deal with male communication difficulties

In the previous article, we interviewed Huang Chongren, director of "City Men's Old Stories Station" (Extended reading: Interview with Huang Chongren, director of City Men's Old Stories Station: At least don't make men feel isolated and helpless ) to talk about men's plight.

And in this article, we also asked, after the predicament, as a female fan who has long been positioned as "women's media" and "gender media", or anyone who pays attention to gender issues, how can you establish a friendlier communication scene with men?

This is my observation. Most men who come to ask for help are often in a hurry to want one thing, which is to solve the problem. This is a habit for men, because they have been taught this way since childhood. I care about two words, called "useful".

So you see, when society wants to praise a man, it says he's "useful," and when they attack him, they say he's "useless" – "After forty years old, only one mouth remains, it's useless." Huang Chongren said.

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"Am I a useful person? Important. Is this activity useful? Important. Is it useful for me to make this friend? Important. It is a very modern, pragmatic, scientific way of thinking." Playing games to discuss strategies, falling in love to learn skills (further reading: Boys' Love Lessons: Courtship Anxiety from a 10,000 yuan love lecture), buy 3C products and crawl the article to find the product with the highest CP value.

They want a useful answer. So the first one, you have to let them know that coming here, you can get useful information, like tips, tips. Let him know that it is useful and can solve the problem. Although we all know that many long-term accumulated interpersonal relationships or emotions cannot be resolved immediately, at the same time, we also empathize with him and gradually let him know that this can be slowly improved through hard work.

For example, there was a case of a man who was troubled by his wife constantly suspecting him of having an affair and desperately calling the company, colleagues, and friends, but he did nothing. Therefore, it is extremely emotionally stressed and seriously affects life. He came to another social worker for a first talk. It didn't take long for him to come a second time.

The case feedback said, "Last time I came here and cried very badly. After crying and venting my emotions, I slept better for two days a week. Because I have been waking up in the middle of the night every night for a long time, I sit until dawn without sleeplessness, and go straight to work the next day."

Huang Chongren recalled: "I asked the social worker, how did he do it? He said he didn't know either. We suspect that it may just be the emotion of the individual case being expressed. The problem itself is not solved at all, but emotions find an outlet."

Many men often don't know that "you are troubled by emotions, not problems." He has the ability to deal with the problem, but his emotions have not come out and he cannot take the next step. When the condition is good and the energy is restored, it has the ability to deal with many problems.

"So what we do is actually just let these men know that you are willing to slowly get better with him. Just a little one." Huang Chongren said.

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If you don't rush to label, there will be more possibilities for conversation

In addition, he also mentioned that the most important gender dilemma of this generation is often too eager to draw conclusions about the positions of others.

"If we don't rush to conclusions, there will be more possibilities for dialogue. Today we have to communicate and negotiate with someone, and you don't have to live or die."

"If he has already said 'I'm sorry, I'm this kind of person, I will never change', then why do you still negotiate?" Therefore, he said that more diverse voices can help us understand different pains.

The most specific example in the past few years is the sow religion. This is a group of people who attack "specific female behavior" on the Internet. Huang Chongren analyzed: "Why is he cynical today? Perhaps because he was relatively frustrated in the existing social system. If he is unable to perform internal digestion, he will begin to do extrinsic attribution. When two or three people get together, it is easy to attack others. Of course, not all girls are like this, but they will think that there are many such women. Even just hearing about a friend's friend meeting it is like empathy." (Extended reading: [Gender Q&A] Have you ever said "feminist buffet"? ）

In "Gender Watch: Sows and Sow Religion, Not Enemies", women's fan editor Abby once wrote:

We spend a lot of time competing to see who suffers the most injuries, who needs to be crowned more, and who is the group that society has long ignored. We waste time pointing at each other's noses and blaming each other. Why do boys say feminism doesn't care about men? Feminists say that their rights and interests will not be fought for by themselves. Why do we have the heart to let everyone live like themselves?

Women's fans have discussed the sow cult debate countless times in the past, and have also published external articles, and the purpose of their existence is nothing more than to hope that people, regardless of gender, gender and traits, can open up each other's painful imagination a little. (Read more: Gender Flipping in Dating Culture: Feminism's Next Step is Male Equality)

"To resolve opposition, empathetic language is still important. Even if you have the opportunity, don't target the entire ethnic group, find a single person to talk about his story first. Of course, his words may be extreme, but when we remove the words of emotion and put our thoughts into it, we have the opportunity to see his pain."

Although it is definitely painful to see a different person, it is the beginning of change. From the sow debate, the defeat of the referendum at the end of the year, and the raging fake news to provoke confrontation, we have come all the way to today, and we are about to face another election.

Are we ready to communicate?

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Regardless of gender, in fact, anyone is afraid of being drawn to conclusions, as if they are immediately defined, and I must be like this. This scares many people, and they will immediately think: Am I really the person you described? Do I agree with the description of this article? If I don't agree, should I attack you immediately?"

We used to promote articles that care for men, but we received a response that "women's fans should not do men's issues".

When some people misunderstand feminism as a "feminist buffet", and some people misinterpret the male group as "patriarchal sand pig", the barriers are clear and must not be crossed. Unknowingly, everyone also becomes a victim of misunderstanding. Misunderstanding breeds fear, and fear breeds hatred. And the result couldn't be clearer.

Under hatred, there is no winner.

Are men really encouraged to "be themselves"?

Returning to the male dilemma, men are generally less likely to care about their physical health, as is their mental health. Wong believes that this is actually related to the fact that men are not encouraged to "make themselves".

Men are encouraged to pursue success rather than being themselves in a highly competitive environment.

In popular texts such as comics, movies, television, novels, and magazines, people who endure and struggle to become "successful" almost always occupy the main axis of male texts. However, outside of the mainstream definition of "success", the path that can be taken is actually very narrow. For example, if I am a man who wants to be a househusband, and I am a man who wants to be a nurse, is my hope really accepted by the world? (Extended reading: Dear Dad, don't worry, I'm just married to a male nurse)

Women have grown a lot in the past twenty or thirty years. I came over today and saw that passage on the wall of your women's fans, writing that the most important thing is that a person can make himself who he is. I think that's a great sentence. It is very important for both boys and girls.

This is Woolf's famous quote, the banner hangs on the third floor wall of women's fans, a hundred years ago, as a feminist pioneer, she wrote in "My Room": "A person can make himself who he is, more than anything else."

Today, it is not only for women, but we also hope that one day, people of any gender, sexual orientation, and gender temperament will be able to be themselves freely.

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Postscript: Life is countless nail moments

As senior social workers with many years of experience, we know that helping workers is never easy.

He is a father of two children and has a lot of work, and I asked him how to relieve stress, and he said that he has recently become obsessed with woodworking. Sanded paper and nails are the most healing moments, and next time, I will take my dad with me.

I'm going to take my dad to woodworking class this week, and when I'm resting, I don't want to talk, I just want to divert my attention, focus on one thing, and do a good job. Just the woodworking frosted paper makes me feel happy. Nail nails, keep nailing them. Nothing to worry about. Very healing.

Doing carpentry and helping others are actually very similar. Perhaps life is nothing more than countless nail moments, holding your breath, trying your best to be good enough, and just live like this.