Before the end of spring 2019, Ye Yang wrote an essay collection, "My Injury,"documenting her post-natal, life-threatening experience. The society would say that it would be nice to have another child, and she only thought about her 6-month-old, 400-gram daughter and didn't get a chance to see the world. She said I had this child, I missed her, I will always be her mother.

After losing a child, slowly, I won't look there. Of course I think of her, thinking about that regret, thinking that if she can be good, old age, I can wear an exaggerated hat, for her birthday.

I also began to cherish this family from this matter. Cherish this life, a family has the opportunity to spend together, that left the child, became the starting point of the end, my heart and home, are stronger.

- Ye Yang


Photo by Ye Yang

That day was the first time to see Ye Yang himself, she appeared, an unabashed smile, a pair of very beautiful eyes, wink, I still can't help but to the heart of the small cry: she is so cheerful. I think really like she said, walking through the rain, proof that you are bigger than that rain;

In her book, she writes about how she spent the rest of her life in pain. I asked if it would be uncomfortable to let such a private inner being be made public and spread out naked under the watchful eye of the public. She said she didn't really want to write to others at first. At that time, the child had to be put in a coffin and sent to the crematorium, and in custom, the mother could not go in. Thinking of a child who was so small, she left alone, she decided to write something to her.

Everything in the world comes first and comes, so the pain of losing a son is painful. This is a mother's farewell to the child, the mother said to the child, "You have no chance to survive, I do not have a day not regret." 」

Last close encounter: she came to the world from my birth canal, without breathing

When the child was six months old, he was diagnosed with Edward's disease. In medical research, this is an untreatable disease, the fetus is not guaranteed to be successfully born, even if born, may be paralysed, hydrocephalus, or heart defects. Mothers are advised to terminate their pregnancies based on the reasons for protecting mothers and prioritizing school.

From the inspection results to the induction, before and after less than three days. Everything happened very suddenly, very soon, even if the road that needed to be repaired in the future there was no end.

Recalling the day of the induction, the whole process of her constant shaking, high fever, like epilepsy in the general violent quivering: "My body is not very understanding, what is happening now?" All the internal mechanisms, which were originally ready to have a child, are now being treated with drugs, injections, and induced births outside, and it produces intense resistance. All night long, they tried to suppress the mother's body, which had only come halfway.

"When I had my first child, Robbie, I was born very quickly and guacoad, so I always thought it was easier for the child to be smaller. But it took me about three times as much time and strength to give birth to such a small child. 」

The preparation process ahead is very difficult, to the moment to produce, as if just a few seconds of things: "Really push out." At the end of the war, it was like the mother's body was also instantly aware that she was resisting useless, that resistance failed, and that the child had to leave before it was ready to mature. 'The effect of induction on a woman is huge, when you feel that the body is not yourown, like being deprived of some irresistible violence;

But as a mother, she thought the moment she saw the child, "I think she's still looking good." 」

She said to me, with a certain look, "I really feel that way." Always thought that she would give birth to a deformed child, but at that moment she saw the baby, a small one, has grown a nose, eyelashes, to every inch of the body, she is so shocked, that is a person's look: "I thought, my God, I killed a man." I decided to end her life. That's a lot of pain until now, when I think back.

"In fact, at first, I didn't know if I wanted to see it, I was also very timid and afraid. She saw the nurse to take the child away, a group of people around, she had hesitation, but the corner of the eye and looked dead, thinking that if not now to see, this life can not remember what she looked like.

"I can understand some social cases now, you know bodies can be scary, but why are the moms on TV still dead saying, "Give me a look, I want to take a look." Then you'll see the mother look edgy, take a look, point her head, and walk away. Ye Yang said, the mother's heart is very big, they do not have to see the child's most beautiful side, no better or worse, is her child, she needs to point that head. She has a look at it.

With this mood, Ye Yang said to the nurse, WELL, let me hold her. Take a child of only 400 grams in his arms, and before the child is born, he's out of breath, "Don't be afraid, you know?" At this moment they hold together, she said to the baby, don't be afraid, goodbye, I hope next time you also cry.

With an empty womb, wandering around the city

When a woman has a child, she enters a very busy process. She will start raising milk, milking and feeding, which will take up about 70% of the majority of maternity time.

But she didn't need to do it at the time.

Originally happy heart holding a big belly, now fell into an empty. She said so to herself. "It's getting a little fat. When a woman becomes pregnant, she is ready to welcome the baby all over her body. Then you'll gradually recover from some of your needs because you have a baby.

"I took a lot of medicine. From induced childbirth to postnatal recovery, her physical experience is all unnatural, intense, to get it back to the way it is. But without having experienced breastfeeding, it is difficult to slim back into the original size.

The child left, without saying a word, without a cry, but as if leaving a little flesh in her body.

Then she began a difficult road to face the pain.

She became a sad wanderer, doing nothing before she returned to the workplace. An unknown funeral worker came to her husband and said, Don't let your wife go to the temple alone, a woman looks sad and alone, and the fraudsters will follow her. As for her mother, it is often nothing to run to her home, today is to buy food through, the next day pretend to forget to take what, in fact, just want to see if she did not want to jump.

And herself, she told me, felt she was really vulnerable at the time.

Facing her son, Robbie, she began to feel nervously that anything he did could be fatal. "He went to school to teach, and When I saw him sitting in the tour bus, I thought of the car burning. She thought she couldn't afford another loss. But at the same time, she also opened up a protective mechanism: "Otherwise I don't love him so much." Want to gradually alienate the son, if so, which naive to lose him, it will not be so miserable.

In addition, she began to find feng shui, "I want to find them to see my home, is there something wrong?" In the past, people who sought truth from science once felt that the search for religion was weak: "There is a saying that "religion is the opium of the poor", which I believed in before. The spirit is exhausted, there is nothing else to do, but to rely on religion, Hu Tu people. But at this point, she thinks it's discrimination, and you discriminate against the choices made by the injured: "Choose to do these things, and use these programs is not about being smart, it's about solving the problem." 」

Master came to her home, this side to change, that side to change, she knows that this is deliberate, but she needs this deliberate. Whether that's right or not, you just think of that as a window, a guide, so you can do something. You don't have to just lock yourself in place and keep blaming yourself, "You can blame it all for having a little less tree here, all the window." 」

If superstition is opium, let me eat it. If that makes me a little better. I'm just a wounded man.

A "home" who has lost a child

A woman who became fat after birth was treated as a demoralized object of bullying; she began to fear that her son might die at any moment, and began to have so-called superstitions. But now looking back on what seemed like crazy behavior, she said only that it was very real, in the face of pain will have a reaction.

I asked your family? After losing a child, how can the whole family face this wound together?

"My parents, they're basically not willing to talk about it. 」

"It's their habit, I'd love to talk about it, but they're going to be tight and they're going to skip it." Ye Yang said they were afraid she was sad, and in a way they were protecting their children in their own way.

She spoke of being hospitalized after the birth, and her parents and sister went to her marital home and packed her up: "I was so surprised when I saw the bag. What thickness of socks she wears, what her pajamas look like, what is the chocolate brand she only eats, how much shrimp oil is added to chicken soup... These three people, actually in a strange environment, pack a bag than Ye Yang their own know more about their luggage.

"The native family is too strong. At that moment, she knew how much they knew about themselves: "It's not understanding, it's understanding." That generation is more obscure. But Ye Yang said, this is also very good, do not need to earnestly cut, every day to ask the baby how you are, better? "Because they understand, they can take care of me the way I like." 」

"What about your husband?" Peter, who seems to be able to see tragedy with ease in the book, how's he doing?

"We still live the way we did, and he still, will take me to do what I love." Peter is like a guardian of life, because they know each other for a long time, so when tragedy strikes, he still knows the original she, there is nothing to be replaced: "After the pain has occurred, you like to watch the movie, you like to drink will not change." 」

But Ye Yang turned to me and told me, "He's sad, he's as sad as I am." Peter and the doctor asked for the child's ultrasound photo, want edgy and not let her see, they quietly collected it. After that, he carefully recorded how to help the child deal with the aftermath, to which temples to worship. The child is gone, the farewell ceremony, step by step to complete. "But I don't think he read my book. He shouldn't be able to watch it. Two people, each dealing with grief in their own way, but know that the most important thing is to guard the life they loved.

A tragedy descends on a home, like an unselectable one, and becomes a collective wound. They knew there was a place in pain, but maybe it was too painful, so they didn't talk, they just caressed the pain, comforted another family member, and then another.

I asked Ye Yang a question, I asked her, home, after this changed?

She thought for a moment and told me, "Nothing has changed." And what I'm most grateful for is that nothing has changed. 」

I'm a mother, but I have a daughter who died.

Then we talked about Yeyang's son, Robbie. Whether in this book, or on Yeyang's fan page, Robbie has always been a little character with a lot of drama, a bit of a gurgling snob.

"As you mention in the book, Robbie saw his sister's soul and they talked several times. I asked Ye Yang, this bridge section of the arrangement, is not because the mother is lonely, afraid that the world only remember their daughter existed?

A three-year-old child can also be regarded as a child's word, Ye Yang said, she did not believe it at first. But on one occasion, she thought the baby could be born, and Robbie suddenly said to her, "Sister said she wasn't going to be born, she was going to die." That day, Ye Yang scolded his son and said how he could talk. "But the next day, the doctor sent a text message informing me of the induction. 」

Hearing this, I got up and got goose bumps, and I heard Ye Yang tell me that she wanted to believe Robbie, "Then I'll be a little better in my heart." Because I will know that this girl also knows that she is not coming into this world. 」

After the baby was introduced, Robbie was a little lost, "Alas, full of sad, will miss her." When Ye Yang was pregnant, the people around him changed from calling him brother to his brother. But when the child was gone, everyone turned back to his brother.

"I'm a brother, but my sister's dead!" Robbie would tell the other grown-ups. He doesn't accept that he has lost his identity.

For him, death may be a very clear and simple thing, no difficult words and emotions, no framework: "Sometimes, because he is a three-year-old child, he is the most able to face." We adults, are living under social norms for a long time, we care about the views of those around us, to make others happy, to care about the eyes of others. But Robbie is not, his eyes are straight, facing the world, he stood very strong:

"My sister is dead!" It was an occasion when everyone was celebrating their birthdays, Robbie could even say so loudly.

Like, you adults, what are you worried about?

Ye Yang looked back at herself from Robbie's words, and she told me that many women felt sad after a miscarriage because she felt that she had not only lost a child, but also lost her original identity, and no one once again admitted that she was a mother. It seems that only one more pregnancy can regain that identity.

"But what I want to say is that the mother is not a "acquired" identity, the mother is a very direct feeling. From the time you have this baby, to the time you don't have him, mom will miss the baby, and if you get pregnant again, she'll be more nervous and worried because she's failed. Ye Yang said that these are very correct, as a mother will have the mood.

"I want these women to understand that even if they lose a child, she will be the mother of that child all her life. 」

In your heart, you know you are a mother. You just have a child dead.

Boy, you didn't survive, I didn't have a day not to regret

In the days after the birth, there are often people around her with pity looking at her, "Why you", want to hold her life together. But she told me that she rarely thinks "why she is herself." Because that's what happened.

"The world loves to celebrate, to celebrate success, to celebrate perfection, and we just want to see the bright side of things. So when people are in a tragedy, they feel mutilated; this group of people are left in the shadow of perfection and experience a lonely blizzard.

Since she has published her book, she has received hundreds of private messages or letters from readers, and she knows that so many people have gone through similar things to her: "I also know from those letters that these people are not asking for comfort; Sometimes, you are sad too long, this society is more anxious than you: "Hello no ah, birth of a child will be all right." 」

"Sometimes injuries are like this, we often feel that one-off injuries, such as you miscarried, people will feel that the body repair is good, we go forward." You didn't have your leg amputated, you didn't die. These are generally considered to be non-permanent injuries that can easily be "skipped" in this way, and we do not stare and refuse to talk about them.

The cat died, and they said, "It's all right to have one more"; We do not know that it is actually a very violent thing to treat the injured in such words.

We think that the people who move forward are the ones who can face life the most, but Ye Yang says that sad people are not weak:

It's a rain, you may not know, you need a rain on that road. Sometimes harm must exist. Like a refrigerator freezer, then ice, there is reason for its original design.

The world is amnesia, as if no one seriously face the sorrow. But the mother knew that in the world after the child left, she had no day without regret. Step by step, she tries to reconcile with herself, and with life. 'I didn't lose my mother's identity because of this, I was the mother of the child, and I can always be far away and miss this child,' she said.

I looked at Ye Yang and imagined that injury was like this, it was a state, not so-called "good"; After we have a new life, on the one hand we also carry the old ones. Nothing disappears as a result, is a back one, step by step down, through the barren, do not know the way forward. But strong is so, you look around, feel very bad, you always have the courage to believe in the road ahead.

As Ye Yang said, the sadness did not go away, my child had Edward's disease, my child did not have a chance to survive, I did not win, but I did not lose.