A while ago, women fans posted on Facebook that "you've heard a phrase that made you want to run away from home" and has so far accumulated more than 600 messages to share. Some people say it's "it's no use to raise you, fortune-telling says that the money you make will only be spent on your husband", while others say "Why do I help others to raise a wife?"" In addition to thanking the reader for sharing, we also feel sad and distressed. What kind of gender and family concept sits behind these words? What else can we do to make things worse when we are so sad? Invite you to join us in this community watch, and then out of the family dilemmas you've felt before, and into a softer, warmer person.
Recently, women fans on the Facebook community launched a "one-word sharing" discussion, we talk about gender, talk about discrimination, talk about common experiences, talk about their frustrations in the family. Among them was a "You've heard a phrase that made you most want to run away from home" and more than 600 messages were shared, with readers from all over the world writing or long or short, or excited or calm. For example, "It's no use to raise you, fortune-telling says that the money you make will only be spent on your husband", for example, "Your brother uses it well and eats well," and for example, "Fortunately you got married very early and didn't spend too much money at home." 」
Pictures: Facebook Screenshot
These words make us feel sad, but also distressed. Sad you have been hard hurt by these statements, heartache you have in the unknown time, silently licking tears. The body's wounds are easy to leave scars if they are not rubbed, and the injury in the heart is also the first step in healing, so that we can begin by seeing the true existence of the wound.
Is there a condition for parents to love their children?
Brushing endless messages, I stumbled across the top of the hit tv drama "Your Child Is Not Your Child" and seemed to have such lines and family scenes. As long as the child does not meet the expectations and requirements of parents, it is not worth being loved, as long as the child has his own ideas, not in line with the parents' wishes, is not filial piety, as long as the child's gender is not considered "useful" by society, there is no need to be taken care of. Flash over and discover that perhaps our lives are more dramatic than drama.
In addition to conveying their true experiences, these 600-something messages also convey a question: "Is it a price-to-price exchange for my parents' love for me?" 」
We must make ourselves "valuable" in order to be eligible to exchange the attention and love of our parents. Once we do not follow the meaning of parents, we lose the value of personal existence, the good memories that have been in the past is like not counting, we have to start from the beginning, re-establish their own value - and all of this is dependent on the parents' assertion. (Recommended reading: Your child is not your child.
I deserve to be loved only if you think I am worth it.
In addition to the price-to-exchange affection, "the child is the parent's asset" is a common experience that cannot be ignored in this community discussion. Parents are the source of children's lives, children are parents' assets, because they are assets, so children must have "value", and no output value of the child, do not need to be loved, be valued.
No matter through what form and statement, the family relationship from here began to appear cracks, each time similar words, limb injury, let the rift continue to extend, and ultimately constitute countless small cracks, a touch will break the family.
Pictures: Facebook Screenshot
Pictures: Facebook Screenshot
As a child, all I want is love and respect.
Many parents don't really know that they don't know enough about their children, so they inadvertently say hurtful things without knowing. They don't know how much influence they have on their children, or how much they understand their changing thinking patterns as they grow up, so that misunderstandings and disputes can happen. Looking at the feedback on the comments on the women's Facebook community, children's needs can be classified as two tendencies.
I hope: regardless of gender, as long as I as your child, can enjoy the same rights and love
Many family strife softens from gender inequality, and daughters are often considered the least important and least speakerinado in the family because "the daughter who marries is the water that pours out anyway" because "daughters will eventually become someone else's family". The son, on the other hand, is given the expectation of raising a family, must "take on the responsibility of honoring the elderly", must "become a pillar of the family" and must "bear the pressure of succession".
Both sons and daughters are victims of patriarchy. It is also likely that such children will raise their children in the same way when they become parents in the future. Patriarchy takes blood as the medium, and thus permeates generations, and we are all victims, and no one is spared.
If we can, whether it's a daughter or a son, we can and should have the same rights and love.
I hope: respect for parents at the same time, but also get the same respect
Zhou Muzi, a psychological counselor who wrote the best-selling book "Emotional Extortion", says that when society allows parents to take their children as everything, "in the name of love" is all right, and parents find it hard to admit that they have done something wrong. Every parent wants to be a better parent, if "I am for your own good" long-term is regarded as the right management style, the parents who say this sentence may be also educated as children, so it is passed down, continued use in the next generation.
Children respect their parents' hard work as a parent, and parents should understand that "your child is not your child" and that he is only himself. Respect his power to have a personal sense and a preference, but not to interfere. Replacing "discipline" with "care" might be better.
If so, children and parents, regardless of identity, should be treated with the same respect.
Photo A photo of "When They're Seriously Weaving"
What can we do in the face of modern family problems?
"Every negative language requires five positive words to balance it in order to maintain a good relationship, " says U.S.-certified psychological counselor Reu Pei- who has written a book, "Childhood Can Hurt People." Many parents are not good at speaking positive words to their children, but the brain is malleable, and by practicing "saying good things" often, we can slowly disappear the neural circuits of the brain that use negative language, making the links to positive language stronger and stronger. 」
If you are in a family relationship feeling pain and sadness, invite you to act on it after you understand the status quo and the causes behind it. Practice good words, rational communication, accumulation of positive language, to maintain good family relations, so that such a discussion can jointly promote change, so that more people do not have to walk through this suffer, but also can grow into their most unique form.
You can: Try reason and parent to say how you feel
Let's leave our emotions in the discussion series and take the actual action back to our real life. Maybe when you eat, maybe when you watch TV, maybe when you're alone with your parents, try to explain to them in a rational way that you've felt the injustices and grievances you've felt in the past, giving them a chance to get to know you, and giving family relationships a chance to fix them.
You can: Repost this article to your parents
If you're afraid that you can't communicate rationally and that your parents won't be able to understand your feelings precisely, try reposting this article to your parents. Let them know that you're not trying to vent your emotions, you want to solve the problem at all. You want to face each other's shortcomings with them, change together, learn together. (Recommended reading:"Your child is not your child" sees the injury of the native family, not to remember hate, but to take back control)
You can: Go to the women's room to chat
If you have a lot of personal experience and emotions to vent, or hope for more discussion, invite you to the "women's room" to leave your views and observations on family relationships, and share with women's obsessive readers (in the Toco room we call "roommates") may give you a different direction of thought!
- After reading so many articles, I still can't find the answer I want...
- In order not to let my mother down...
- Mom, thank you.
- When love and affection conflict, which do you choose to put the first?
I know, you've been in pain. But hold on, perhaps these pains will soon become, and will be the driving force behind the ideal family look. You have to believe that you will learn and grow from these experiences, and then, little by little, slowly, have a strong soul, and you have the opportunity to help each other build more, healthy family relationships. As long as you still believe in your heart, you will be fine.