Interview with Su Gorgeous Hui X ZhangXi: Everyone has a wound, and it's normal to not love himself occasionally

In relationships, we all carry more or less the shadow of the native family. After 13 years of psychological consultation, Su Was sealed as a healing writer, always from the smallest point, to disassemble, to the same, there is injury does not matter, we repair together.

Network generation spacing people's hearts far away, some people say good, there is Zhang Xi's text. Called the post-90s young writer, Zhang Xi's community has a group of injured people, healing in every stranger's story, she said everyone's story has a price, do we want to exchange?

On a summer afternoon, an interview with Su Gorgeoushui and Zhang Xi, with a gentle angle, gazed at all the injured.

The Self-Esteem Lesson on Regaining Love and Respect is Su's 20th book. She said early want to write ah, do psychological counseling for more than ten years, have seen all kinds of people, but have a similar soul - feel humble, unfortunate, love, but not love. In particular, when you are alone, you can not face themselves.

So write, write to the generation living in collective inferiority, find love and self-esteem, the relationship can be free.

"Second Chang Park" is Zhang Xi's first novel. Second, normal and abnormal, she said that can be set in any noun, normal beauty, abnormal beauty, normal relationship, abnormal relationship. Written in last year's low tide, with friends in conversation, she suddenly realized how much she cares about other people's eyes and ideas, invisible by the standards of others, feel like can not find their own voice of the puppet. (Extended reading: Why do you say you like me, but can't like my body)

That day waved goodbye to friends, she stood on the bustling intersection, there is a picture emerged, is the cotton wool, everyone is injured puppet, injured, but they do not know. And if you are a puppet, will not be because of the eyes of others feel pain?

Clearly hurt, don't seek recognition from the past.

Writing from low self-esteem, I say it's interesting, you all see the plight of this generation. Su and Zhang Xi looked at each other and laughed, and the two said a lot of observation came from the conversations they heard on a daily basis. In contact with the case, Su made a special discovery: "Many people are trapped inside." The feeling of sleep is very strong, is trapped, is not moving. Buddha can only be hurt by negative emotions, can only be hurt by the things around life, "powerless, even must be very negative, as Zhang Xi said, can I be a puppet?" 」

In Zhang Xi's book, a fictionalized conjugal disease, the process of "living in the standards of others" is figurative, "I want to discuss the concept of "back to the park". The park is always in and out. In this, we have the choice, can spell a comfortable state of yours. 」

As an author so close to social media, I asked Zhang Xi, has it ever been bound by the standards of others? She laughs, of course. It was the spring of 2018, when three thousand copies of "Twilight" were expected to be published as a gift to themselves, but also a gift to everyone, but readers because they could not buy a book, lost their anger, overnight complained into ZhangXi's IG, from the beginning of the attack book, to attack people.

"The first time is to blame yourself, wonder why they are angry?" Where can I do it? Forget the original intention of printing a book. Zhang Xi tone is plain, when the feelings of injury seem to be far away: "The second autumn published, feel that I want to wipe out the attack one by one, for example, you say i am not good, I will change, in this process, I have always had an idea, is what I want to do to resolve each attack." 」

Mobile phone is clearly a thing outside, but it has become an inseparable organ, meltinto into the body, want to cut off the social media on their own influence, but can not do. It wasn't until later that she learned to slowly adjust to the damage. But whether it's the web or the real world, the easier it is for us to get in touch with others, the more likely we are to be hurt.

"Honestly, it's hard to escape from other people's eyes in real life. Su went on to say that she had been in contact with a widowed young wife who spent half her time talking about how others viewed her. After Mr. Left, the neighbor's eyes, the gossip of outsiders let her feel excluded from the circle, like a spotlight on their own body, forced to let the world's attention. Every day when you open your eyes, you have to face the real world, and you can't deny the pain. You can choose to squeal and not listen, but this is an extreme practice that erases subjectivity: "Although your experience cannot be understood, it does not mean that you cannot have a place to exist." 」

Su said that people in the face of the outside eyes, often fall into the situation of sly - that is, to seek the identity of the past environment: "But the past environment, including these people, has been destroyed." After the difficulties, you can clearly see who can support and empathy themselves, who can never do, "because you didn't need it in the past." But when you come across a situation, you find out they can't. This "no" will put you into the "I am not right, I do wrong" self-blame. Are you going to survive like this, or are you going to try to get out? (Recommended reading: Are you a low-esteem personality?) Ten questions to help you understand yourself)

Step out of the way, as long as leave them a step is good, Su said, you may enter a new environment.

You don't have to force yourself to face the pain right away.

Stepping one step is the key to escaping self-blame at the mercy of others, but people are always afraid to leave their comfort zone. I asked how to take the first step?

"To accept loss is to admit that it happened. Su said softly, like entering a consultation: "This recognition is not just about events, but about interpersonal relationships, multiple levels of loss." 」

If there is no way to admit that the layer after the incident caused by the loss of layers, will try to seize the past, pray that everything does not change. But when you want others not to change, you'll put yourself in an unalterable state, trapped in your own limits.

For example, you can find a new object of complaint, if a friend can not accept, look for other people or groups who can feel the same way about you. At this time your address book will certainly be rewritten, delete the phone will never be out, but also will add new contact objects.

To admit that events occur, sometimes to accept the mobility of life, it will take you to a new situation and situation, "you should maintain inner acceptance and mobility, rather than fixed, paranoid, just think of "eternal" she suddenly, "many people are actually trapped in eternity, that is a childhood fantasy ah." 」

Zhang Xi smiled, and then said that he had ever faced a loss, pretending that everything did not exist. But she later set out one method in the novel: practice looking in the mirror. Looking in the mirror is looking back at yourself, not facing it. Sometimes we will ask the injured person to face up to the reality, but we do not have to force themselves to see "pain" immediately.

Let's look at the wound in a gentler way: "Experience and take care of your feelings first." For example, when you have a moment in the mirror, feel less beautiful than others, do not immediately force themselves to become confident, "in fact, do not love themselves is normal." 」

To gaze, to experience, to deconstruct and then re-shape yourself. It's a bit hard, but it's clear that you have a choice.

After deconstruction, what value do we seek?

Observing the social collective's inferiority, Su said, she also felt the social pervasive sense of world-weariness, especially in the last two years. Zhang Xi nodded, like talking about community networks, if what kind of emotions can cause the most response, it is anger, no matter what the topic, as long as there is anger, will be concerned.

Zhang Xi pondered: "This emotion pushed a little further, just like the internet has anonymity, you can decide what kind of you, like a theater." So when you see the best for everyone, you think, will the world be the worst for me? The desire to be comforted, and in the end it is likely that everyone is on the Internet, but everyone is lonely.

This sense of world-weariness, perhaps from loneliness, but also the collective help.

"It could be a rebound, " Su tried to explain. We used to work so hard, to be successful, to be positive, to be good, to push everything to the extreme, and everyone started to bounce back. Just as in everyone's mind, there are many kinds of inner children, and most people grow up in the process, there is a "fit for the child", conform to the extreme, become a rebellious child.

Rebel for rebellion, fight for negation, we all live in a state of self only. Will it be happier to overturn everything when positive energy is seen as useless? If the collective society enters an isolated state, believing that values are no longer in existence and denying all, what value should we insist on now?

"I don't think we've come to new values, or identify with us living in the new world, and where to go next." We are standing at a lost crossroads. 」

Is this rally good or bad? I am curious to ask, Su Gorgeous Hui but shook his head, it is difficult to use good or bad to divide it. Nietzsche's "Chalatustra" has the so-called human spiritual three changes: camels, lions, red sons. After Chiko, the coming of a new generation, we were born again, knowing why it existed, "When all the value structures are broken, the traditional set of the past we do not want, it is bound to go to the roar period." But the question is, when we are unaware of the moment, how long will we be barking at the lion?

When we overthrow the bondage, the injustice, the oppressive, if there is less gentle care for life, all for destruction and destruction, all overthrow will be reduced to violence. In an atmosphere of world-weariness and negativity, can we return to caring for the essence of life and allow everyone to be taken care of? Also try to imagine, every overthrow, is to rebuild what kind of world?

You don't respect yourself first, how to be respected in a relationship.

Modern people talk about relationships, there is an original injury is to exclude, no one accepts you, does not "belong" somewhere feeling, or even feel not loved by the world, and many people are still in this original injury: "When we are in the community for this anxiety and fear, we do not even have a chance to ask their own hearts." Su said. Fear is crowded out and exiled, so we all allow ourselves to be dolls, just to show what others expect.

For example, after the class has a dinner, you want to be alone, but also hinder and colleagues did not meet, forced to participate in embarrassing parties, after the blame: clearly unhappy, why give up private time. This way of disrespecting yourself, the negative emotions that will be dealt with later will be amplified: "As long as you have many moments when you are betraying yourself, i am violated, and you will get justice." Su explains: "You start to look at yourself in a self-critical mood, and the feeling of "I'm bad, I'm bad" gets stronger. (Recommended reading:Su Gorgeous Hui' before falling in love, becoming a complete and independent person)

So in a relationship, communication and coordination with the other person is the key to making yourself at ease. However, communication is a lack of practice in childhood families, not adults say, or children with emotions.

"A lot of times we think that communication is about giving up a part of each other, or we have to go to the other side. But in fact, a lot of communication, first identify their own contours, and each other when communicating, you can know where their bottom line is. Zhang Xi, for example, when he was a child, the family assigned housework, will use family meetings to communicate. This habit affected her deeply until she grew up, and when she had an argument with her boyfriend, she would first calm the two parties in different spaces, then listen to each other's words and say what she thought.

You can keep you, I can keep me, how important.

"Being yourself is about building a more balanced relationship. Zhang Xi said.

At the end of the interview, I asked two books for the wounded, hoping to convey what power?

Su Gorgeous Hui thought, "Willing to in their own lifetime time, learn to love themselves completely, love the complete self." Zhang Xi touched the book seal, smiled slowly open, "I hope everyone in the mirror that moment, no other people's voice, no other person's appearance, staring at their own in the mirror." That time, it could have been a very much injury. 」

Hot interview afternoon, I looked up outside the window of Da'an Forest Park, remembered Zhang Xi said the image.

Come and go in the park, we all have the choice to become ourown.