Millennials who grew up under the "super-parents" generation tend to be tough and controlling, making them always less confident and ridiculed by society as strawberries. A wounded child is hiding in his heart, not yet growing up, and now it is the age to be a parent. They want to ask, can I really be a good father and mother?
Born in the 1980s and 1990s, also known as the Millennial, Generation Y, is now about 25-39 years old, growing up in an environment where the network began to dominate the world, and was nicknamed the "Strawberry Clan" by its elders 10 years ago when it came out of society. Now, we're starting to be parents.
However, generation Y, who grew up under the postwar baby boom and "helicopter parents" generation, has often not yet emerged from the standard,-strict, controlled "super-parent" family haze; an injured child hides in their hearts, has not grown up, and how can they face their children? (Editor's recommendation: People who don't have enough children often don't have a big deal)
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Generations growing up under "super parents"
Before we discuss this issue, we must first see the source of the trauma. Duley, an American psychotherapist, notes that millennials in their 20s and 30s are generally tied to their "parents." And that may be why they can't be a real "adult." According to the case he consulted, Duley points out the following common problems for millennials:
"I have helicopter parents, which makes me unable to become a mature adult now"
We grow up with strong controlling parents, making it often difficult for them to really mature and learn to solve problems on their own. Under excessive protection, and also lead to the world opposite them, is relatively unconfident, feel that they are not an "independent individual", but an extension of parents. (Extended reading: Helicopter parents, beware of your "fear" becomes a child's "curse")
2. "Growing up under their standards makes me feel like a loser forever"
Their parents usually spend their whole lives raising their children and trying to earn money to support their families. Therefore, they also uphold the child's strict standards, give a great expectation, hope that the child has a day to be outstanding. This has led millennials to grow up in frustration that they are always "unable to meet expectations" and feel that they are not good enough.
"In my growing education, mental health is generally neglected"
Parents of that generation often have an amazing "fortitude" in which psychological counseling is a sign of weakness, and it is a shame for their parents. But it also makes children unable to face self-psychological problems on the one hand, and on the other hand, they can easily blame themselves for being "not strong enough" and unable to solve problems.
4. "My native family has not taught me how to face my own negative emotions"
Similarly, in terms of mental health, millennial children generally have anxiety; In their education, he was told to "avoid negative emotions" rather than face them. Not knowing how to soothe their discomfort, they also generally use unhealthy methods such as drugs to calm down their anxiety.
"My parents became "helicopter grandparents"
And when millennials start having children of their own, their parents often get used to imposing their own ideas on them, criticizing them for not understanding how to be parents. So husband and wife, often before referring to the views of both sides, have heeded the advice of their parents.
6. "My parents are always overly involved in my economic life"
There is also a generally serious problem that their parents often do not respect the "line". As children are adults, they are still overly involved in their lives, especially in the financial area. Such things as asking for "filial piety fees" and interfering with children's plans to buy a home and buy a car, parents will now assume that they now have the right to continue to interfere with the money management of their children because they were once providers of the economy.
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Let your parents really treat you like "adults"
Millennials are so connected to their native families that they still can't get rid of their parents as adults. But what we need to do is not to "get rid of it" but to re-establish healthy interactions with our parents. Try to begin to untie your rigid relationship with three principles:
1. "Mom and Dad, I'm not very good right now": Start expressing my frustration sourness at the right time
In the past, you may have been used to suppressing your emotions with your parents and found it difficult to start such communication. But in fact, we can make it easier to start with some conversational skills.
First, master the principle of "expressing your feelings, not making objective judgments about things". Such as:
Don't say, "When I say I want to change jobs, you call every day to ask, it's too much." 」
Instead, I said I wanted to change jobs, and when you kept calling to be concerned, it made me feel a little stressed and i didn't feel trusted. I hope To be able to focus on my preparation. 」
Starting with their emotional feelings, rather than making a factual judgment about things, parents are less likely to feel judged, their concerns misunderstood and ignored, and so on, as a first step in your conversation.
Then you must make clear your needs and express them in a firm, non-judgmental and respectful manner. And remember to express your gratitude to them. Most of these over-protected parents are born out of love. They also need to learn more appropriate ways to love you. Let them know that you understand their intentions and appreciate the way they love you, and that they will be more down-to-earth and build more trust on both sides.
2. People need personal space: establishing healthy boundaries with parents
To be a truly independent adult, you must have personal space to make some life decisions of your own. Start now, let them know what kind of relationship patterns are right for you and what's not right for you; you need to start drawing the line at the right time, you can't tell them everything, don't let them know too much about your life, and then you give them timetore space to reduce their anxiety.
But that doesn't mean you should be alienated or show a negative attitude, but it will make them more concerned. If you don't want your parents to interfere with one of your decisions or life orientations, try to avoid discussing the topic in front of them, but instead care about something else. In this way, you can maintain friendly contact and at the right time to pull the right distance.
3. If you want to be treated as a mature person, prove your maturity to them
If you want to reduce parental intervention and worry, the most direct and simple way is to show them your independence and maturity, let them know that they don't really have to remember you so much.
For example, if you know they're worried about your job status, pregnancy, or the corner of your eyebrows when you buy a new house, you start not answering the phone or reduce the chance to meet them because you don't want to be taken care of. Such escapism can make those who care about you more and more out of order and generate more worry.
You should be mature in responding to their needs, occasionally letting them know about your life and proving that you are capable of taking care of your life. The trick is to get some advice from them at the right time to feel respectful and intimate.
No matter how old the child is, it takes time for control parents to let go. Therefore, patience and finding the right direction will be something you will practice slowly from now on.
The problem for millennials is that the problems of the previous generation are that they begin to be parents and guide the next generation. But don't worry, don't worry; we don't have to be the best, the best kids, it's just your parents' expectations, not yours. In this generation, the best thing that feels like it is that we always have more yuan options and believe that we have the strength to find the best fit for us.
This road is not easy, but let go home with you.