"Clearly not single, but love to have an affair with people?" In the age of community, there is a kind of cheating called "micro-cleaver"

Once, cleaver represents shirt lipstick, strange perfume, or paparazzi sneaking a fuzzy hand-in-hand photo. But the definition of cleavage is changing with the age of the online community.

We must have heard stories of people who clearly have boyfriends or girlfriends, but love to pretend to be single on the Internet, or to a "special good friend" of the old text desperately like, or carry the other half to steal love-faced text of the ambiguous secret message. These conditions, in the end, is not cheating?

In fact, this phenomenon, which has begun to have a name in recent years, has been dubbed "micro-cheating" by some psychologists.

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What ismicro-cheating?

Martin Graff, a professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of South Wales who specializes in networking and intimacy, points out that the so-called "micro-cleaver" refers to:

"Clearly having a partner, but deliberately creating a situation that would make people misunderstand that they are single, and then make ambiguous behavior."

He explains that "micro-cheating" is not a new phenomenon. In ancient times, people would deliberately take off their wedding rings when they were cheating, or secretly write love letters with their other half on their backs. It's just that in the age of the online community, the door to micro-infidelity becomes extremely low -- simply opening a separate account, setting a special nickname, deleting a line message regularly -- or, easier, killing a double, even multiple, relationship/sex life without handing over your phone password.

Psychologically, why do people like "micro-cleavs"?

The word micro-cleavage, which is about 2018, coincides with the most prosperous period for community sites and dating software development. Some micro-legged practitioners, in fact, do not seek real cheating, but only a sense of stimulation: people, even in a fixed partnership, but sometimes still want to develop a relationship with other potential objects, even if not necessarily "come true", can wipe the edge ball is also good. (Extended reading: infidelity, cleavage, mental chastity? Love in the age of dating software )

Esther Perel, a well-known intimate researcher, also mentioned in why we cheat our partners that these desires that extend under the single-spouse system tell us one thing:

Most people are not as "moral" as we think. Rather than pretending to be pure, or pretending to be ignorant of the other half's desires, we might as well rethink the "loyalty" of the Internet generation, which means the same as in the past?

In her book, Life on The Screen, sherry Turkle, a cyberpsychologist, discusses the ethics of love in the internet age. If I'm married and I'm a "web girl" in a virtual role in an online game, am I a cleaver? Or, I have a partner, but still send naked photos to strange netizens, I do not count as chopping legs? (Extended reading: Left-handed wearing wedding ring, right-handed slip dating software: Why is it so hard to be faithful to your partner?) ) )

Turk believes that the network has brought people a second, third and even a variety of personality show stage.

"Real life has become just another window for us, and it's not necessarily the best one. 」

'A lot of times, people split their legs not because they're unhappy with their current partner, but more because they're unhappy with themselves -- they're eager to link themselves to different versions and choices: 'The split sometimes doesn't matter, "I want to leave this person," but they want to get rid of it,' says Mr. Peller. I grew into a mentality like this today. 」

"Online single, every post must be left": these signs may be "micro-clicing"

Whether you want to know if your partner has a micro-cleaver, or if you're a private and unthinking person, Graff has sorted out a few common micro-cleavage situations. It includes, but is not limited to:

1. You love to make a desperate push or a private message to someone who is not a current partner (e.g., a former, a good friend, a good friend), or even some old texts, including some old texts

2. Something sad has happened, but you just want to complain to these "special good friends" and be afraid of your partner finding out.

3. Change someone's nickname, or simply hide the conversation from the other half.

4. Just ordinary chat, but very often send a message containing ambiguous words to each other, such as love, kissing and other patterns.

5. Clearly have male and female friends, but on the network is always can not find evidence of love for each other, when asked, always push to say want to keep a low profile.

My partner splits his legs, what should I do?

As mentioned earlier, there are many possible factors for micro-cleaver, and more common than you think. So don't rush to the conclusion that the other party must want to betray you. It could be really just that the other person needs some life,or that he's at a stage where he doesn't know what he wants.

1. Ask him calmly what he thinks about it first:

According to a psychological study (2012)in the Journal of College Development, 66% of the 268 American college students tested admitted to monitoring their partner's cell phone, including peeking at newsletters and trying to log on to each other's community sites. The study noted that 28 percent of the students later deteriorated and only 18 percent improved because of insecurity in their relationships. So instead of rushing to each other's passwords, look for a calm time and ask him what he thinks about micro-cleaver.

2. Fully understand that micro-cleaver is not really chopping:

It may be a prelude, but it's not necessarily a bad thing. Micro-stealing may also be a sign that there is something that can be adjusted in your relationship. For example, doeshen't he like to tell you something? According to Time magazine, psychotherapist Lindsey Hoskins suggests that whether it's you or the other person, try to remember what the first "micro-cleavage" process was like. Which part is the happiest? What part makes you feel guilty? They can all be the key to your relationship.

3. Discuss with the other person and pull out the boundaries:

Some partners just don't realize that behavior makes them uncomfortable. Just make it clear that you're uncomfortable, and the other person will be able to avoid this behavior next time. And there are some partners who do need this kind of cyberspace, so you have to ask yourself, are you willing to take a step back with him? Or, you know you can't accept it, so it's not a bad thing to admit it early.

4. Let the relationship focus, back to yourself:

Finally, you can also try to pull the center of gravity back to yourself. Think about the source of your anxiety. Is it because fear is not attractive enough? Or afraid that one day you won't be loved by this person? The desire to be loved exclusively is an innate instinct. However, before we get the love of others, we can also try to practice, embrace and accept ourselves. Eat well, exercise, rest, spend a little more time, understand their love and fear, build confidence from yourself. (Same Show: Making mistakes in Love: Cheating, Letting Me Know Myself Again)

"Micro-Cleaver": How do we redefine and assume desire in the internet age?

Back to the micro-cleavage, as society changes, it's worth thinking that the definitions of love, marriage and single spouse are constantly changing. Historically, it has also been thought that single women are actively dating a lot of people at the same time, unforgivable debauchery. But now, as a single woman, it's not unusual to have several different dates a week.

Rather than covering up desire, pretending that it never exists, or simply accusing the "micro-slicing" man of being scum, it is the best of times, giving everyone, men and women, sexuality, the opportunity to re-examine the boundaries of the relationship and how our desires should bear each other.