The news of divorce time and time again, let us begin to deeply experience, to love is very simple, but to get along well difficult. And what is it that has become a killer in marriage? Why do two people who love each other end up ending with divorce? These five things, seemingly ordinary, in fact, are slowly devouring your love.
Before we decided to go into a marriage, we had a lot of good imaginations about it. Put on a wedding dress to sign the certificate, make an appointment for a happy second half of life, I believe that each other have the initial expectations.
However, you also see that from artists to friends around, the recent wave of divorce has not diminished. We are beginning to know that the hardest part is not finding the right person, but how to walk with that person. What causes a relationship to break up? Today we'll talk together on a few obscure but lethal questions in the relationship:
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Question 1: Hey, why did you forget who you are?
We often say that he is my "other half" and that marriage is complementary and supports each other to grow up. There is nothing wrong with all this. It is only when you are over-interdependent and have no personal interest, life, and self-identity that the relationship can be put into danger and unhealthy.
For example, if you don't have someone else with me today, you'll immediately feel uncomfortable; you start to forget what food, music, or movies you used to like, and you're probably already making self-worth built up in this marriage. And such awareness can also create hidden pressures on each other's relationships.
Or after having children, you start to lose your life. So when it comes to raising their children, many couples also forget why they were getting married. Because of losing themselves, they also lose the sense of communication between husband and wife. In this way, step by step towards the end of the marriage.
Question two: It's not just sex, you're not intimate anymore.
According to marriage counselor Mike McNulty, the first sign of instability in a relationship is negative interactions. Intimacy is at the heart of all the relationships that sustain them. The reason you are able to live together, plan for the future, or have children stems from this invaluable intimacy. You have a spiritual fit where you feel comfortable, comfortable, and very safe. (Recommended for you:"Anything can be given up, that is, sex first don't" cohabitation or marriage, you need a few reasons for orgasm)
You may be using sex, simple hugs, romantic dates, or various other means to maintain such a connection. Yet one of you today does not want to make such a link again, and some feel neglected, cold, and then alienated; From a husband and wife to a roommate who has nothing to do with your self, it can quickly lead to an unsograted crisis in your marriage.
Question 3: It's not money, it's a lack of consensus
It's not the lack of money that can lead to divorce, it's your view of money.
American relationship therapist Dr. Gary Brown notes that when we fall in love, we tend to over-idealize our partners. Even if you smell a trace and realize that there is a potential conflict between them, you will choose to ignore it. Because we don't want to lose the good feeling of being in love.
However, the question of money is a very real real-life reaction to reflect whether each other's values fit.
For example, when one person is a saver and the other is a spender, there is no consensus between you about managing your money - one focused on the future and the other wants to take control of the present. Then between you, there will be conflict between the little things and the big things. Another example is that there are many couples who may have different financial resources, one of whom earns more than the other. But the key issue sits not in the power relationship that extends in between, but rather the planning and discussion that you don't have. (Editor's choice: Dear, before cohabitation, let's talk about money)
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Question 4: Only quarrels, like only wins or losses
Endless quarrels have killed many relationships.
Each couple is divided on a number of issues. But on the basis of mutual trust, respect, and willingness to listen to each other, it can help you get through more of the difficulties. However, negative emotions arise when one party feels that they have not been heard or accepted. Contains resentment, accusations, threats, punishments, etc. You start to want to win or lose, not solve the problem. John Gottman, an American psychologist, has pointed out that excessive emotional flooding can lead to unmanageable emotions and emotionally unrepairable trauma in couples' quarrels.
When emotions are not appeased, it will be difficult for you to see the other person's point of view and enter a vicious circle of meaningless quarrels. In this way, the equivalent of losing the foundation of trust communication opportunities, of course, there will be no better future.
Question 5: You no longer expect the other side's future
The last and trickiest key is that you begin to have no common future. Mike McNulty mentions that when you get tired of the time you have in common, the differences between you, you will begin to live in parallel. And that will eventually break up your relationship.
A lot of people ask after they get married, "Why has he changed?" You want to go on a holiday together in a suburban cottage on the weekend, but he only has to go on a hand tour with friends; he thinks cooking and cleaning is your job, but you don't agree and you can't communicate.
But as Kristina Ferrari, an American marriage counselor, says, it's relatively difficult to talk openly about her needs with the other half. But doing so can provide an opportunity for real change in their relationship. No matter how many unpredictable changes and unexpected outcomes you have after marriage, your ability to continue to explore and create each other's interests and expectations together is the key to a successful marriage. On the contrary, if you give up or have no consensus, you will find yourself no longer yearning for each other's future tomorrow. (Recommended for you: Chen Xue column when relationships are in a bottleneck: stop and ask yourself how much more you'd like to work on)
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It is easy to have no marriage. There are so many reasons to end a relationship, and sometimes there are many things that go beyond your control. However, we can all discover it as early as possible and try to solve it as early as possible. There's really no knack for practicing kindness in relationships, making intimacy a priority, and maintaining our own and each other's health.
And if, at the end of the day, you've done your best, and separation is inevitable, maybe it can be a good thing. Prove that you should all go down a different distance.