"He sends flowers first, then violence against me": 60-second video, telling the truth about the domestic violence cycle

On August 24, a video went wild on Twitter. It's a female selfie. In the image, she receives bouquets, wears a diamond ring, and smiles, but as the film progresses, her face begins to appear bruised, blood-stained, and then expensive gifts. She cried for a while, and then went on and on, gradually, she began to be bruised and her recovery was getting slower and slower. She put on concealer and honey powder for herself in an attempt to cover her wounds.

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This one-minute film, but it shows a lot of people's lives. After being retweeted by prominent Arab journalist Jenan Moussa, it went viral on the Internet, with up to 950,000 views in less than three days. Moussa tweeted: "This powerful short film has raised our awareness of domestic violence. (Extended reading: Home is the most painful memory: South Korean husband beats wife for 3 hours, what can be done in front of domestic violence)

However, at the bottom of the film, there are many people who leave a message expressing their bewilderment - "Why didn't she leave the relationship because she was so unhappy and beaten?" 」

"Domestic violence shouldn't, but if you're in a relationship like this, you should know your limits. 」

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The truth of domestic violence: after the beating and then send flowers to apologize, you'll be all right?

Many people don't understand domestic violence, which often leads to false statements that hurt the people involved. Many people think that domestic violence occurs when someone is drunk and someone does something wrong, and therefore suddenly subjected to unilateral verbal humiliation or physical beatings. However, according to the study, domestic violence is not as simple as we think. Behind domestic violence, and power relations, is one side to show the desire for control over the other, which was once named "I love you". (Extended reading:"Kill you because I love you" How many domestic violence, is in the name of love)

Send flowers, gifts, and then beat each other, in the end out of what kind of mentality? In fact, many domestic violence situations are known by psychologists as the "The Cycle theory of violence". The theory is the theory put forward in 1979 by Lenore Walker, an American psychologist, that summarizes the experiences of many victims of violence and describes a pattern of home violence. There are four phases:

• Tension period: At this stage, both sides begin to feel tense, communication is hindered, and victims feel stress and anxiety, believing that they have to constantly please the relative in order to avoid conflict.
• Violent incidents: language, emotions, physical violence, sexual abuse. The trigger point of these events is often the cause of the victim's self-blame, but this cycle is often cumulative, and it is difficult for the victim to avoid the fuse and prevent the violence from occurring.
• Honeymoon denial period: relative to people to apologize, make excuses to explain behavior, and sometimes sometimes blame the victim, deny that the injury occurred, said things are not as serious as the other side thought. At this stage, victims and relatives tend to assume that the relationship has improved without cutting off the relationship for the first time.
• Calm: The honeymoon period is over. The hurt was forgotten. Will return to the stress period until the next violence.

And according to the Department of Protection of the Ministry of Health and Welfare data, in this cycle, each cycle of violence, will be shorter and shorter, the degree of injury will be more and more strong, even in the end, honeymoon negation period and cooling period will disappear, the scope of violence will gradually expand. (Extended reading: What about domestic violence?) Lawyer: For a while, it won't be calm)

20th anniversary of the Domestic Violence Prevention and Control Act, 379 notifications per day in Taiwan

It is often forgotten that the problem can be solved by asking victims to be "brave". But i didn't see it, they were helpless.

The Guardian reported that in July 2018, three Russian sisters were subjected to long-term violence and sexual abuse by their father, who killed him with a knife, hammer and pepper spray one night and turned himself in to the police. Prosecutors believe it was a planned murder and that they could be sentenced to 20 years in prison. However, in Russia, where there is no domestic violence law, this situation is rampant, and many people face jail for "self-defense" in domestic violence.

Looking back on Taiwan, this year marks the 20th anniversary of the enactment of the Domestic Violence Prevention and Control Act. In 1986, 15-year-old Deng Ruxuan was sexually assaulted and pregnant, but was advised to "marry a rapist" and marry a sexual predator. Deng's husband continued to abuse her and her young son after marriage, even trying to sexually assault her sister. Such a marriage lasts seven years. On October 27, 1993, Deng Ruyu's murder shocked the whole country, and late that night, the 22-year-old killed her husband with a hammer and a fruit knife while he was asleep.

Deng's sentencing, which caused strong public opinion, also led to the sad incident, in Taiwan spawned Asia's first Domestic Violence Prevention and Control Act.

What about Taiwan in 2019? According to the Ministry of Health and Welfare , last year , for example , there were still an average of 379 cases of domestic violence on average . Moreover, the summer holidays have even peaked, with an average of 403 cases of domestic violence reported every day. Perhaps the improvement of numbers is good and bad. Twenty years later, domestic violence began to be renamed intimate violence, not necessarily a spouse in a marriage, to apply. The rise in numbers also represents our imagination of intimate violence, no longer just personal chores, but more willing to become public matters.

Talk about intimacy violence: People who like you can hurt you, too.

"People who like you will hurt you. This is an easy-to-understand phrase, but it is often forgotten in intimate relationships.

We all desire to be loved, and we all believe that love will not hurt us, but let us in pain to find their own weaknesses, promote each other, grow into better people. However, we often forget that people have limits.

If you're in a cycle of intimate violence, or you're not sure if you're in danger, you can do this:

• Find someone to talk about: friends and relatives around, the Foundation, the Modern Women's Foundation, the city men's old heart station, Taiwan's gay hotline association, are you can find someone to chat about the place.
• Status of consultation: If you are not sure of the details, you can call the 24-hour protection line "113" for consultation and notification.
• Direct alarm: If domestic violence is occurring at this point, please directly play "110". And if the scene for some reason, you can not speak, or listen to speech disorders, you can use the mobile phone to send a message to 113, there will be professional contact.

And if you know that your friends and neighbors are suffering, you can do these things:

• Domestic violence: When you are sure that domestic violence is taking place, please directly broadcast "110" and the police step in to stop the violence and assist in escorting the victim to the hospital.
• Uncertainty: If you are not sure about the details, you can broadcast the 24-hour protection line "113" for consultation and notification.
• Listen more: in this situation, they may well need someone to talk to, and ask you to accompany them through the difficult times.

We want to say that the most important thing in any relationship is still how you feel. If the other person always threatens you to pay a high price, or even exploit yourself, to prove your love for him. Or every time you hurt, will be a hard apology, hard to hurt themselves, that kind of relationship, perhaps not always suitable for you. We can practice putting it down together. Anyway, you have to believe that you are the most important.