Can't do filial piety, it's not your fault.
Now you have a life, dreams, and economic foundation, but at the same time, traditional social values begin to ask you to give back to your parents. If everything only thinks about their own life, does it mean that I am selfish? There's no way to obey your parents, is it my fault? These are the general sentiments of children of this era. Together we can look at the causes behind this anxiety, and what the myth of filial piety is:
After a few years of social work, you feel as if you are slowly finding some control over your life. Can save a little money, in the workplace there is a sense of need, after work also have a personal life. But at the same time, conventional wisdom requires you to start giving back to your parents.
To bring money home and make decisions, you have to respect their advice; make moms and parents happy and don't feel free to back up their thoughts. Every New Year's Day, a large number of people and dragons anxious to return home; you in the crowded carriage, thinking that this is a seemingly normal thing, but do not know why not happy up.
You rarely question the matter of being nice to your parents and being reunited in the season. But if it comes from a kind of goodwill, why is it often full of pressure? You may have been confused, too, and today you'll talk about these hidden anxieties and the three myths about filial piety. (First of all: "The last ten years ofmy life, the best decade of my daughter" in the beauty talk long photo: don't take "filial piety" to bully your children)
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Myth I: "The man who gave birth to you doesnot know you best" is only for himself, is it utilitarianism?
After you have your own economic foundation, you also begin to arrange your life. Career development planning, emotional belonging to the imagination, to pursue what kind of dream;
However, you also slowly discover that whether it is economic, time or self-energy management, you may only be able to afford their own life. You can't help but come up with these struggles - no way to load the burden of filial care parents' share, does it mean that I am selfish? Am I a bad boy without good filial piety?
And the myth behind these anxieties is that the person who raises you, the one who loves you, is not necessarily the one who knows you best. We thought that parents, as people who grew up pulling children, seemed to be close relationships. So we ignore that every child is an independent individual.
You belong to yourself, and we are also raised to be mature and self-reliant. Being able to take care of yourself and take responsibility for your life should be the best reward for your parents, not the core of your self-criticism. (Extended reading: Don't be emotionally blackmailed by my dreams!) King Leo, King of Golden Songs: "Mom I love you too, but I don't have to listen to you")
Myth II: "Self-sacrifice can solve the problem" but can not filial piety, the fault is not your
We also often see a phenomenon is, although I do not want to, but not as long as I cooperate with the needs of parents, endure a moment can be calm? For example, on New Year's Day, you clearly hate the occasion when relatives gather, but in order to please the elders, you still force yourself to attend. Or you can not afford to load, but in order to let parents feel that they are filial piety, you still give a monthly filial piety fee.
In this process, we are like telling ourselves that I have done "filial piety" this matter, we are also moved by ourselves; Because you're afraid that if you don't do it, you'll have to put up with the blame of your parents or outsiders, and you feel like you're really wrong inside. (Editor's recommendation: Intimidation, cold handling, I need you to love me!) Emotional blackmail in intimate relationships)
It's just that we have to go back to the idea that when any action today is not voluntary, it won't satisfy anyone. Our childhood education or parental needs make you almost the element of filial piety. So when your opinions are at odds with your parents', and you want to stick to your ideas, you start blaming yourself instead. Eventually, you fall into your own confusion and struggle with yourself.
But in contrast, such struggles also prove that you have the ability to judge. You know parents don't have to be right, and you can make a choice about it. Can not filial piety this matter, the fault is not you. (Extended reading: How to get rid of family emotional blackmail?) True filial piety is not obedience, but communication)
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Myth three: "They raise me, they should give back" but if it is love, it should not be stress
Finally, we also mention the concept of "reward". Parents raise children to grow up, there is hard work, you feel deep, but also hope that one day their own ability, can start to parents good. It makes sense to be here.
However, in the Asian correctional system, we are educated about the concept of "filial piety". Filial piety is based on obedience, and before reason, we talk about ethics; That's why we often feel guilty when we go against our parents' meaning.
When we hold high the value of filial piety, to judge whether a person is a "good child", in which human nature is simplified and the relationship between parents and children is strained, but also let us lose the opportunity to know each other better.
The relationship between parents and children is also a relationship between people. We have been each other's families, because of love, and willing to take care of each other, remember each other. Because it is love, we can be equal, we can be free. If you ever felt their love for you, when they need it, you will naturally want to give. Everything you do should come from love, and that's the healthier idea. (Guess what you want to see: written after Xie Jinyan confession: no love exchange, filial piety is just a lock)
If you're also a child who has been raised by the "subservience" concept, or you're in a cage that doesn't know how to face your parents' relationships, we see the source of these ideas, and the myths behind them, and next, you can start making your choices.
At this stage of life, you understand what you want and what you don't fit. And family is the same. If there is any thing wrong with the cause of the harm, we should understand it and stop it. Parent-child relationship is very deep and wide, find a long way to get along. And until then, we can start by settling with ourselves. Stay in good will, return to love itself, and stop letting yourself be submissive.