"Don't care about them," "You're too sensitive," "Did you do something wrong?" Are these words something you've heard your parents say?
After a 14-year-old girl in Xinzhuang was surrounded by multiple people on Friday, netizens broke the news yesterday of another bullying incident on campus in China. We discuss that for a growing child, bullying can occur on two occasions, one is school and the other is their home. When a child victim chooses to ask their parents for help, they don't want to hear these words again:
Entering the start of the September school season, we are concerned that two incidents of campus bullying have come to light in the last two weeks.
According to the Associated Press, after a 14-year-old girl in Xinzhuang was surrounded by more than a dozen people on Friday, some netizens went on to post another bullying video on the Xinzhuang campus on Facebook's powder-based "Breaking Bad Commune" and "I am a Xinzhuang Man." In the picture, a teenager is kneeling around three other classmates, and the boys swung, repeatedly slapped him, and threatened with verbal threats. The victim boy crouched on the ground with his stomach in his arms and kept saying "I'm sorry."
When we talk about the psychology behind the school bullying, we mention that the most common emotions of the victims are "not knowing what they're doing wrong" and "not changing the situation", as in the film the victim's teenagers can only kneel and apologize in a low voice.
In fact, for a child who has gone through the process of growing up, there may be two occasions related to bullying, one on campus and one in the family. We talked about the psychology behind the school bullying, and today we also talk about the five words that the victim's child is most afraid to hear from their parents in the environment at home, and how a home can become a place for secondary harm:
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"You don't care about them" but if from start to finish, it's not me who's willing to provoke
As bystanders, we may often have a reaction that says, "If you don't care about them, they automatically lose interest." However, the hope that bullying will disappear automatically is a wishful thinking. Because the scene is often not a victim's voluntary or controllable scene.
It is very difficult to ignore the perpetrators. Katie Hurley, an American social worker, points out that when you encourage escape, children feel abandoned and left alone. Barbara Coloroso, a writer who studies school and family education, also warns that when trying to teach children to ignore taunts and attacks around them, they may start to reduce their self-worth, with negative emotions such as "I'm an idiot," "I'm dumb" and "I can't do anything." (Extended reading: Bullying scene: every silent child with a cold adult behind him)
"You're going to be strong" is bullying because I'm too weak?
When you tell the bully, "You have to be strong yourself" and "stand up for yourself", you are actually encouraging your child to suppress their inner fears and difficulties. Katie Hurley notes that this type of speech is negative for children's deep emotional levels and can lead to anxiety or depression.
You may just want to give them self-confidence, but Hurley goes on to say that even confident children can hardly face malicious bullies. What's more, bullying is usually grouped, and it is difficult for isolated victims to resist. Because from start to finish, it may not be a question of whether they are strong or weak, but rather that they are being confronted with an out-of-control violence that is forced by the outside world.
"Are you too sensitive?" I must have been wrong before I made myself an arrow target.
Hurley cautions that many children are afraid to lend a hand because they fear they will be seen as weak, unable to deal with problems, or labeled "too sensitive" and "too emotional." Girls are particularly vulnerable to being so "questioned". Such designations, she points out, would undermine children's self-esteem.
It is a difficult process for children to open up about their bullying to others. When they are already in a state of depression and self-denial, their greatest fear is that the events they encounter are "specialized". It's like telling him that you're going through these things, and you're having a problem. Falling down the rock, will once again double their inner anxiety. (Extended reading:"What's Your Light for Dad" Is the New Bullying Incident: A Re-Replicate of Family Tragedy)
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"Your relationships, you deal with them yourself" but bullying is not a interpersonal relationship, but a power relationship.
We know that parents often want to raise their children as self-reliant and independent individuals. However, perpetrators often point the finger at a relatively unable student and try to woo more people to join the bullying. Power relations, not interpersonal issues, are often involved in this.
Bailey Huston, commissioner of the National Center for Bullying Prevention, points out that even if you may want your child to stand up for yourself in good faith, it can cause some harm - it means that your child has a responsibility to deal with the problem on his own. And as Canadian psychologist Tony Volk puts it, "A bullied child who would have acted long ago if they could handle it." He believes that when a child asks for a need, it is because the situation is beyond their reach.
"They're just too young" So I still have my childhood options?
When adults say to their children, "This is what happens at your age" and "they are just too young", the same time is telling the victim, "This is your growth ritual." At the same time, however, this will cause the child's true pain to be denied. You seem to be telling him that without going through this, you wouldn't be an adult.
Because even if campus bullying is a common situation, it doesn't mean that it's one of the challenges that everyone has to accept as they grow up. And bullying is a deliberate, intentional injury, helpless victims are often forced to choose only to suffer in silence. Therefore, this matter is not only difficult to become the so-called "growth stimulation", more likely to cause the poison that inhibits the child's growth. (Editor's recommendation: Teachers also bully students?) yes, and it's worse than you think.
Next, let's see what better ways parents communicate: "When thewhole world abandons him, don't leave him behind" Five things parents can do to face a bullied child