"I'm not allowed to fall in love until I'm 20, I'm afraid I'm not loved after 20," "I asked my dad what he liked, and he said he liked me for Stanford." As children, we often don't know how to live with our parents. Netflix talk show host Hassan Minhaj's growing experience is very much like you. "My dad and I talked like some kind of movie, the first ninety minutes of super-long paving, and then ushered in an inexplicable ending. "Look at him and Dad, let you laugh and shed tears.
If you love Netflix, you may have known him for a long time, and Hassan Minhaj is Netflix's hottest talk show host of recent time. At the same time, he was an Indian-American Islamist. The conservative father who wanted his son to be a doctor in the United States, raised a funny son who studied politics and wanted to be a comedian, and clashed with many life frictions. (Same show:NETFLIX talk show World Snodby: I'm a failed gay man, and I don't want to make fun of the trauma anymore)
"I wasn't allowed to have girlfriends until I was 30, I was afraid to talk to girls after I was 30," "I asked my dad what color he liked, and he said he liked me for Stanford." "When I told my father that I didn't want to be a doctor, he didn't ask me how I felt, but he said, "What other people think?" 」
He talked about his upbringing on talk shows, and Hassan said he grew up feeling "conditional love" from his parents. As Asians, we are also able to feel the same. Maybe twist back, but we want to show you the pain behind the "love" that grows the memory. (Extended reading: on the way home, really love their parents, and return their parents' subjects to them)
Talk about communication: "When I was a kid, I asked my dad about his favorite colors, and he said, "Stanford."
"My mom and dad, i got engaged when they didn't meet. Thirty years ago, Arigel had a population of about 990,000. It's just a small town in India. My dad heard that there was a very beautiful woman named Shima in town, and there was a camera at home. My dad immediately ran to Seema's house and said he was going to marry her and then take her to America. In those days people were almost like playing Tinder without photos. He married a woman he had never met in ten minutes. Then I was born in America. It's an exaggeration, isn't it? Hassan said. These stories were heard only when he was growing up.
As Asian children, we hardly know the story of our parents, and our parents barely know us.
"Dad, what color do you like?" "Stanford! "No, Dad, I want to know you better!" "Do you know what I'm going to do?" Why not go to study? 」
This is our growth experience.
"My conversation with my dad was like a film by Indian director Nai Shamalan. The first ninety minutes were super long, and then ushered in an inexplicable ending. 」
Talk about corporal punishment: Asian parents will check if anyone is watching before hitting you
Perhaps he can't blame his father, he said. "Life is hard. My father, at my age, took care of a child alone, and must have doubted his life. His mother stayed in India for a while because of her medical school. Dad raised him alone in America. From a young age Hassan was a naughty child, flipping soda and running in the supermarket. His father had a very unsurprising style of discipline, though it must have been hard for white people to understand.
Hassan looked at the audience, "Usually, indian parents do one thing: "Make sure there's anyone watching next to me first." Then he was slapped.
"Americans beat children in the arm to bruise their bodies, while Indian parents beat your soul in the palm. 」
"Did you know that NBC made a film called the slap, about a white kid being slapped by his parents at a birthday party, and it turned out to have a psychological shadow?" It's ridiculous to have 13 episodes for this kid? Every Indian child I know has been publicly slapped by my parents. 」
He said, self-deprecatingly, "Enjoy the slap and make us Asians stronger and more resilient." Otherwise how do you think we grow into cardiologists? Or win the First Place In English Scrabble Title? 」
He released a video about a 12-year-old Indian kid who won the National Scrabble title. "You look at his face, calm, he's only twelve years old, yes?" He won the championship on national live television and won $30,000. People always ask how their parents raise such a gifted child. But what he saw, he said, was "conditional love." (Extended reading:"You're good, mom wants to hold you" conditional love will only make children uneasy)
Talk about family: believe parents love me, but born a few less apps
"I know somepeople will say, "Asians are all tiger parents, your parents don't love you at all." But what I'm saying is, Mom and Dad really love us. It's just that you're probably born with fewer applications. They didn't download a whole set of perfect dad programs. "A lot of moms and dads think, I'm trying to bring you from India to the United States, and that's the best birthday present. There's wifi, highways, Starbucks, what's wrong with you?
"One birthday, Dad drove me all the way from Davis to Sacramento. There was only a shopping mall in the city then. When I saw the toy on the left, I was so happy that my father saw the foot model i had posted on the wall. As a result, he turned right and took me to the hypermarket. He said, "Hassan, I haven't forgotten that it's your birthday." Your birthday present is a bathroom doorknob. I thought to myself, you'll just let me choose the toilet. 」
"You'll feel that there's a huge generational divide between you and your parents. It's not about not loving, it's just that for them, the form of love is not the same as you expected.
Talk about love: The girl called my house, and my dad said, "You ask edges math, I'll convey it."
Another Asian must have felt, hassan said, mom and dad in the face of children in love, always very defensive.
When we were in the middle of our country, answering the phone was a family war. Because in those days, the phone was wired. You must get a call from your parents before. There was a time when the girl signed up to call my house. I rushed over and my dad picked me up first.
"Hello, who?" (Very fierce)
"Hi, I'm Alice, I'm looking for Hassan. 」
"What are you doing?" Alice? (more ferocious)
Hassan said, "I'm done with my heart, I'm going to be a man for the rest of my life." 」
"Well, I went to geometry with Hassan, and I wanted to ask him math. 」
"Okay, Alice, otherwise. Why don't you tell me about math and I'll tell him? (Laughing all over the room)
This is our parents. Always worry too much, try to be a firewall, help us filter all the information. "It's like living in North Korea. We were not allowed to have girlfriends until we were thirty, and after the age of thirty we were aggressive, questioning why we were afraid to talk to girls. 」
Talk about dreams: "What other people think" has ruined many children's lives
Growing up, Hassan had a few relationships. He decided to marry a Hindu girl. "In India, Islam and Hinduism are like Romeo and Juliet. 」
"I told my father. He should have said yes. You know, it's just enough to put him in the Indian Dad Hall of Fame. If it's a normal dad, he's going to say, God, I'm going to shoot my son in the head and then I'm going to shoot myself in the head. 」
But Dad is still very worried. That day, Hassan, parents, sister Aisha walked to the girl's house to meet. Dad was going to ring the doorbell, and he whispered a word, enough to shatter all the dreams of all children since time immemorial. (Same show: Parents always meddle in children's marriage? Have you ever heard of "toxic in-laws")
"What would other people think?" (Log kya kahenge, What will people think?)
I don't know what you think, but it's a very common phrase. As long as every dad says to a child, "What other people think?" in India, almost one star falls.
"Mom and Dad, I don't want to be a doctor!" "What would other people think?" 」
"Mom and Dad, I don't want to get married. "What would other people think?" 」
When Mahatma Gandhi told his parents that he was going to fight the British government, he said, "What other people would think?" "Don't march again, eat something, or the British will make us hard to hear." 」
How much racism we've had in our lives, and we're afraid to talk, we can only complain secretly in the Indian community. But at this point, we are still prejudiced against other communities? God can't say, "That's great, you're racist, and that's what I want." Do you want me to change my life just to please the distant uncles and aunts I will never see?
This is real life, not The Empire Rose. But as the eldest son, he was too scared to say no. Instead, it was sister Aisha who stood up for him. "I heard my sister say, "You've been doing this all your life. 』」
Also as the second generation of immigrants, obeying the family to expect to be a good child, the sister of a famous school, finally angry. "I'm not flying from Philadelphia for this old man. Is Binna great? She has a Ph.D., and Hassan's brother is just a comedian. Please hurry up and get married before she turns her back? 」
Sister's statement finally convinced his father, let the marriage as desired to finish. Many times, we will be afraid of violating our parents, and choose to give in or give up, and then use the rest of the day to convince ourselves that this is also a good choice. Many times, parents only hope that we can live a safe and smooth, but they may think that the world only "to meet the expectations of others", can live a stable life.
Talk about life: Have you ever felt the limits of life in your parents?
At 9/11, Hassan was very young. "On the night of 912, my father gathered everyone at home. Tell us, don't talk about politics, don't say you're a Muslim. I thought to myself, i'd better see it. 」
"The result was that night, the phone suddenly rang, and I was still like my father, and I rushed to answer the phone. I was holding the extension and heard a strange voice on the head saying, "Hey Middle East ghost, where's bin Laden?" I know where you live, and I'll kill you. Then hang up. Hassan said he was very scared and his father, who was holding the microphone, stared straight at him.
"Then I heard two ping-pong sons outside the door and our windows were broken. We rushed downstairs and found that the contents of the car had been stolen. That means someone is watching us. I was so mad, i put my hand in the car and tried to get the rest back, and i was bleeding from cuts to my arms. I climbed up nearby trees, trying to find out where they were peeking at us. 」
But his father was different.
Where's my dad? He stood by, quickly sweeping the glass, while worrying about alarming his neighbors. 'These things will happen later,' he said.
"Have you ever felt the limits of life in your parents?" Hassan said. For him, it was this moment. He saw his father's vulnerability and his life. And he also understood overnight, what his father had done, it seemed that the wrong way, too harsh, cold and callous, perhaps still out of the hope that their families could be well protected. Their lives were so small, perhaps, as a father, that his father had expected himself.
Although he could not agree, Hassan understood the father.
It was also a generational difference, and my father felt that it was the price of his coming to the United States. If racism doesn't kill you, you have to keep up with it. But I'm different. I grew up in the United States, and my education taught me that I am born equal. So I have the courage to pursue equality.
At the end of the talk show, Hassan did not say whether his relationship with his father had improved.
A few years later, he was given a job on the TodayShowin an interview. "That day, I walked out of the company and stood on the streets of New York and called to announce the good news. My girlfriend was crying. My mother cried. My father said, "Good job," and I almost got hit by a car. 」
His father didn't say "what other people would think" but "wonderful." Perhaps in the end, his father accepted the "untalented" child, giving up his UCD aura and choosing to become a comedian.
And beyond Hassan's story, we'd love to tell you that maybe we'll find it hard to "reconcile with our parents" for the rest of our lives. There are some injuries, not necessarily really have to reconcile with their parents, in order to heal. In the process of growing up, we will gradually experience and parents different life experience, grow their own strength.