Interview "Sunshine" mother Ke Shuqin, in a home, mother, or parents, what role should play?
In the movie "Sunshine", there is a character who says a lot but makes a special impression on you -- mother.
The home, as if one day, was suddenly pried open a gap, and then the problem continued to pop up like snow. Some people are in prison, some people hide in the company sofa do not want to go back, the sun rarely shines into the home, but the mother, mother still go home every day.
The way home, someone lost, someone wants to escape, and she day after day, between the round trip, impartial. Like a guide. Ke Shuqin, known as Ke jie, the play outside the play is the mother. Ask her how she can pick up these sores? She said it was not a tout, not a commitment, but to understand the truth of the family, is the wind and waves, you accept your family.
"Why don't kids talk to me?" asked yourself, do you really want to hear him?
In the film, we constantly see the communication between the family difficult to admit, or difficult to cross the door to communication. They always seem to face their own lives, clearly living in the same roof, but always can not be more intimate. Why? When did these gaps begin?
Speaking of which, Sister Ko asked in turn, why doesn't your child want to talk to you?
"Why do people have something they don't want to tell you?" This is true a lot of times, because you may be a critic. Whether it's a parent to a child, a couple, or a brother or sister, when you're sharing something, what you need is someone who can listen to my life, and how I feel: "I'm not going to hear you reason and say what I'm going to do." 」
"Today a child wants to share with my mother, Mom, what I did today. As a result, the mother began to accuse him, saying how can you do this, how can you do that, two or three times down, the child will tell you the truth? How did the gap come about? When I will only accept criticism, not acceptance. Then I'd rather not say. No communication, no understanding, no communication, and then, often when things are known, have been flooded.
Sister Ke would like to say, if there is a gap, it is not caused by a day. This is true of any relationship.
Photo S.A. Sunshine
And we keep talking, how can this be solved? But she said firmly, "What to solve?" Nothing needs to be solved! Right now you're just fighting a wall. She is so clear that if there are tens of millions of uncertain people in the family, then this matter, if you first clear the mood.
"If I'm angry now, I say to me, "Why don't you call back?" Why don't you call? There must be a woman next to you, right? You can't talk about the phone! There must be a woman! All the things, follow your emotions endlessly. You always feel that the other person does not speak is something, and then you ask the other person why not speak, you speak, you are not an affair.
And when it all comes from emotions, and the other person responds or doesn't respond, you don't get real satisfaction.
Over time, you will lose the possibility of communication.
So, now is not to deal with whether it is an affair, not to solve, not reconciliation. The only thing to do now is to stop the illusion of personal victimization: "When something happens, you will never get through it." Then you first face this emotion, and say to yourself, yes, I am very sad now, I cry. But you have to stop letting this sentiment continue the decisions that will follow. 」
So, all the problems are very similar, if you can't deal with their relationship with yourself, start want to step out, to face themselves and others, it will not usually have good results. If your family doesn't talk to you, if you have a lot of hard-to-cross thresholds. Don't panic, she said, cross yourself and yourself first.
Worried about your child's lack of competitiveness? "You do this, you're just comforting yourself."
Referring to the relationship between parents and children, we continue to talk about the film, the younger son because he has not let the father "satisfactory", the two people can not have a better relationship. And this is the modern parents generally have the feeling, sometimes, even "the child should be my intention" beyond everything, become the most important thing?
"All I can say is that they are worried. Because this society is full of competition, in reality, they worry that one day they are gone, children are not able to live on their own. 」
"But I don't understand that. 'It's not the way you teach your children, ' she added.
"For example, if your child is only in elementary school now, you start to think about what he can't do to earn a living in the future, and you're doing everything yourself." Then of course he can't compete with others, because you've done it for him. 」
She wants to express that the flip side of her concern may be the face of the problem: "You know what? You're just comforting yourself. The kids can't compete, do you see? Where have you come with confidence? 」
Is the child not your idea, or don't you forgive yourself? 'The children are pathetic, let them go,' she said.
As a mother, she didn't think so in the first place. Looking back a few years ago, when the child was young, she didn't want to leave home to work abroad: "I don't think I should do this and think, "What if they don't have me?" 』」
Until later, she still bit her teeth, went to Shanghai, "the first few weeks, I was very broken, every day very restless, nervous, has been on the phone." By the time a month passed, she planned to "sneak" home to see what the children were doing: "I remember i just rang the doorbell, and two little kids rushed to the door and yelled at my mother, then one went to get the ashtray, and one went to get the Coke." Do you know? I used to serve them. In that instant she suddenly discovered that the child could do the other way.
"I know, it's not that they can't withyou, it's that I can't do it without them. 」
Children have been growing up, but why don't we stop being afraid? "We'll keep telling ourselves, "This can't, that's not going to work, we're going to follow the rules of society." 」
But she wants to say, dear lord, you think you're good for the kids, who you want to protect, who you want to be hurt. But in fact, the most afraid of injury, may always be your own.
Be your home: I want you to know that the world, and I will never criticize your life
So, what do you care most about children?
As a mother of two, I asked Sister Ko, who replied without hesitation, "I hope they are smart." 」
What does not, as long as this is good, this is the most memorable thing of her life: "Because life is really difficult, and there is a long way, I only care, they have no intelligence to face all the problems in the future?" Is there any intelligence to face those dilemmas, and joy? 」
'Don't be like Me, no one told me what to do,' she said. Growup to face a lot of relationships, men and women friends, to get married, to be a parent: "No one can tell me before, no matter what you make, I support you." 」
"I'll just be told, "How can you do this?" Divorce? Mother soup! See filial piety to death. I don't want these things to happen to my children. 」
"I want to support them. She was so firm and gentle.
"Just like my daughter said she was going to France, I knew it was painful, it was home after all, and there were no family members around you. And I'll keep telling her, you're not going to leave here for you to get to France, and you don't think you're going anywhere to stay in Taiwan. Which side you choose will have a dilemma to solve in that place. But she also wanted to say that life is not to solve these problems, not this meaning: "Life is for, how do you do these choices today?" What is your intelligence? What is your attitude towards life? Do you really love yourself and know what you want? 」
Having said a lot, it's all about saying that she doesn't stop her children from doing anything, because that's their life.
But I will look at you far, hope you have intelligence, and kindness. Also know, you want how, the end of the world, go further, I will be you will always recognize the road back to the place.
If you need it, if no one ever told myself that in the past, I would tell my child that you love you this life. (Interview next: Ke Shuqin, Wu Jianhe, Xu Guanghan on home: "You are not a very good father, but I am not a very good son"