Contemporary Love: "He enjoys this feeling more than he does with each other" Why do some people always can't help but look for "spare spolders"?

When you get into a relationship, your intuition may have been a little bit of a distraction -- your other half, or yourself, that you're a little distracted.

Can't help being attracted to attractive people, and even start to take the initiative to have a step closer contact, to spread ambiguous information; you don't really want to leave your current relationship, you know you are clearly in a stable relationship and happy, happy, but still can't help but look outside - what is the mentality?

In contemporary dating, there is a word called "Cushioning" and comes from the cushion, which means cushioning and cushioning. The set is used in feelings, similar to our common "preparation relationship". And you know what? Cushioning may be more common than you think. (Contemporary Love Review:"We Date, Go to Bed, But Don't Talk About the Future" Contemporary Love: What are the emotional pitfalls of a not-for-name stalking? ) )

Photo : "Roman History is an Appendix"

How did "We're all feared of being hurt" and how did "the dating market" rise?

In the Urban Dictionary, the term cushioning is defined as the constant arraignment, flirting, dating, and so on when you have a date or a stable relationship. You will keep in constant contact with this "ambiguous" object, but you may (for the time being) not really want to develop further with him. However, this object is likely to be another "backup" option for you to end your existing relationship.

Dating expert Jenna Birch says cushioning is a common and even necessary presence in modern life. Especially when you start by getting to know each other through dating software and starting a date, it might be a good thing to think of each other as a cushioning -- you can avoid focusing all your energy on the same person; it helps you reach out to more different people and find the right person.

Jenna Birch thinks that cushioning may just be a byproduct of contemporary dating -- in the age of dating apps, you don't know who you're going to meet first, who you're moving on, and we're constantly feeling like the ones we want most. Basically, cushioning is attractive. After all, it's impossible to expect someone to meet all of our needs -- and that's why we need friends, family, and even a wider network of networks of people.

However, it can be noted that the emergence of cushioning, but also reflects the modern people in the emotional relationship prone to escapism. There may be many reasons for us to set up a cushioning, but basically it revolves around a similar core -- you're afraid of getting hurt. When you avoid investing yourself entirely in a single relationship, it reflects that you are avoiding the pain you feel vulnerable to and the pain that comes with losing.

And when cushioning is an emotional avoidance mechanism, we understand the need, but also need to discuss the behavior behind the possible effects.

"Thinking about him while you're with me" what's the undetectable emotional crisis?

Jenna Birch says that in some cases, cushioning may prevent us from focusing on a relationship. Because when you know there's always more than one person to replace and make up for some of your needs, you find that you rarely really take a relationship seriously: "Essentially, you're protecting yourself or looking for a reason to leave." 」

For example, you have noticed the insecurity in a stable relationship in front of you, but instead of facing it, you choose to help yourself find a safe haven for retreating first; In addition, if you've reached the end of the breakup today, your spare child will temporarily ease your trauma, but at the same time, you'll be in the process of seamlessly connecting and filling in the blanks, thinking that no one will actually leave you.

But you don't know, no one really stays.

Photo : "Boyfriend"

Cushioning can really be harmless, can be in a short period of time, so that you do not feel any discomfort, but it actually has some hidden dangers. That is, when it has become your long-term escape from relationships and solutions to loneliness, then at the same time, it will use your loneliness or fear to prevent you from entering a true intimacy -- because in this "emotional game", you are comforted by each other, seemingly taking what you need, but no one needs to really take heart.

Of course, it might be a good thing if the cushioning relationship had happened during the single age. It's wise to keep dating multiple people, or keep a cool head in the early stages of a relationship. At the same time, however, you're also faced with the fact that while you think your date isn't hurt by your actions, they'll be able to tell if you're focused and that will affect your ability to build further feelings. That is, when you're trying to avoid the negative emotions of entering a relationship, you'll end up missing out on what it might bring to you.

So in the long run, the "not hold you completely responsible" in a cushioning relationship, while seemingly unburdened, can never be afraid to drop the bill. But if you don't have the vulnerability and uneasiness behind the opening of this model, then the cushioning relationship won't really give you the security you need.

How to face the emotional world full of cushioning?

As mentioned earlier, cushioning is basically an irresistible pattern of behavior. It, as a "protection mechanism" in a sense, will make us feel safe;

In short, it is often seen as a temporary pattern of relationships that can bring emotional comfort.

So how do you avoid "unbalanced" in the cushioning?

You may today choose to avoid being fully engaged in a single object because of past emotional trauma, and cushioning can really help you for the time being. However, it may not be an option that will give you peace of mind for a long time. As Heidi McBain, a female mental health therapist, points out, being indulged in the nature of the act is your fear of commitment. And Jenna Birch adds that the focus today may not be on others -- not who you meet, what he can bring to you -- that in the emotional world, you're going to go back and look at the most scared and most vulnerable places you're most vulnerable.

Then, in a stable relationship, the appearance of cushioning usually comes from someone who is referring to someone other than their partner. At first it's just a matter of mind, and then it may start to develop ambiguous words. You don't really fall in love with the object, or want to develop further; And in retrospect, whether you want to continue with your other half, or want to separate, it's a strange thing to let an outsider step in -- you have to deal with the problems in front of you, choose a good business, or end well.

After all, if this step is not handled well, you may continue to experience the same problems as you enter the next relationship.

The emergence of Cushioning may reflect the loneliness that is common in contemporary relations. There are always many reasons for loneliness, and so are insecurity; many times, we struggle to solve complex and painful emotional problems, and we feel we need a soft cushion that relieves anxiety and anxiety.

Want to keep a little more love, want to secretly heal, cushions will continue to scatter in the city corner, but you understand that your loneliness after all to answer their own.