Deng Huiwen: Practice to take on the disappointment of the family, will become adults

As a parent, do you allow your child to challenge his authority? Can your child be upset with your parents?

Psychiatrist Deng Huiwen children's painting book," "Mother into a duck", describes a little girl, feel that the mother is always very agitating, all day broken, so with his father hand in hand to turn her mother into a duck story. Dr. Deng said that through this book, she wants her children to have the opportunity to take charge of their own aggressive emotions, where parents can practice and assist, and how the whole family can adapt and take responsibility together when the mother's functionality is weakened.

Through this drawing book, we also see together Dr. Deng to write to each of the family's three emotional exercise lessons:

Lesson 1: "It turns out my parents aren't perfect" to let children practice accepting the frustrations of life

The little girl in the picture book, because she couldn't stand her mother's fishing, decided to show her aggression -- turning her mother into a duck!

For this behavior, Dr. Deng believes that the child's growing up is a very real emotional display.

"Psychologically, children's expectations of their mothers are huge, very versatile. Even if you take good care of him every day, and beautiful and kind, the child may still expect his life should not encounter any setbacks. It's an inner instinct. 」

So, if you're a father or mom with a child every day, your child can't be unhappy with you. But from a psychological point of view, the aggression of a child is the most difficult place to be assisted by adults, because it is always easy to be ignored: "When children scold their father or mother, we sometimes feel that they just don't understand." But in fact, in Jung psychology or psychoanalysis, you will see that there are some dark parts of human nature. 」

But as Dr. Deng continues to remind, as he grows up, a child must learn to deal with his disappointment and feel aggressive. The child must take on his disappointment with his parents: "But please note that disappointment does not mean that you are a bad parent." Instead, it is a must-have process, and children must break through this feeling and slowly get a proper balance from it to be able to become independent and grow up.

Dr. Deng therefore encouraged all parents to put aside their authority so that they could be slightly touched by their child's aggression, and to observe that the child has an aggressive face, "which is a very important key to his autonomy and the formation of strength." 」

Lesson 2: "The original mother will not be unscathed" jointly found the fragile mood in the home

In the drawing book, we also see the adjustment of the division of roles and the distribution of power at home.

That is, when the mother becomes a duck, can no longer manage the east and west, broken thoughts, originally managed by the mother of things to be changed by who to do? That's when you see, Dad's starting to change.

"Clearly there are a lot of things in the family, but my mother will first see, first do, and then do and be afraid of the family." It's not that the mother herself is very agitating, but that she generally takes on a lot of housework: "Try to see that mom still exists, but if her influence weakens, the role in the family and the distribution of power will be recalibrated." We also see some thoughts and growths in children from this adjustment. Would he observe that it was reasonable for him to target his mother with all these grievances? 」

In addition, we can also see that in the drawing book, neither a father nor a little girl can turn a mother into a duck by the power of alone, but when the father and daughter hand in hand, but the power is amazing: "In fact, what is the most lonely mother?" Is to find the father and the child when the hand, such as two people earth-shaking play, and then feel that the mother is a trouble to manage you, not flattering people. Dr. Deng mentioned that when there is such a situation in the family, the "excluded" side will feel particularly vulnerable and injured.

"And at the same time, the kids are going to be under some pressure here. Because he may slowly realize that he has inadvertently hurt his beloved family. 」

Dr. Deng reminded that adults can also grow in this regard? Let the whole family can organize an environment of mutual respect and love.

Lesson 3: "I hurt my family" You have the opportunity to repair, but also to bear the loss

And the third lesson in the book, when the child vented his aggression, he must also see the consequences.

After the little girl turned her mother into a duck, she found that her mother couldn't read the story to her and missed a playmate when she played the game. "That's when we'll start to miss the things you destroyed. This is the result of our own aggression as we grow up in psychology. 」

At the same time, we began to learn how to regulate our aggression, "We are going to start to bear some dissatisfaction." Don't fight back when you're unhappy or disappointed. 」

Dr. Deng went on to warn, but to give a child a sense of security, he also had a chance to know that when he attacked something, I had the possibility of patching up. It's like a story in which a child has a chance when he wants to turn his mother back.

But he also needs to know that when my mother is turned back, she's not the same mother. Because when my mother feels tired, when she doesn't want to do things and doesn't want to answer your questions, she automatically turns into a duck. And the child will feel the loss: "This light sense of loss, perhaps we are growing up to bear." 」

"Mom becomes a duck" with destruction, loss to repair, three stages of communication practice the importance of love and tolerance, although it seems to be in dialogue with children, but it is actually to the whole family emotional practice drawing book. Because in a family, emotions can infect each other; children don't know how to deal with their anger, and parents don't help their children's attacks. But as long as we are willing to begin to understand, we will practice becoming better family in the process.