Deng Huiwen: People who can't say "I'm sorry" have trauma in their hearts

Why do we long for others to apologize to ourselves? Do not want to say a sorry person, the heart of what kind of gap?

Dr. Deng Huiwen's children's picture book "I don't want to say I'm sorry", the heroine Ellie wants to go out to play, mother is not at home, she went to find her father. But Dad didn't. So in the father and daughter pull edigan the hot coffee in my father's hand. Both men, however, were reluctant to apologize to each other. What to do next? Dr. Deng said that this book is not just how to guide children to say sorry, but adults can also in the process, while to feel the inner needs and gaps. The whole family can feel the secret behind "I'm sorry" together.

By drawing the guide, see dr. Deng's three emotional repair lessons to be written to home:

Lesson 1: "Is it because i am not happy" Why grew up, a little bit lonely?

"When I work as a psychotherapist, I find that adults tend to underestimate what we let children see. 」

Dr. Deng said the adults were surprised by what the child would tell the psychotherapist. For example, adults admit that they never let their children feel the power of the family, but the child is very accurate with the psychotherapist said that parents feel bad, or Ao do not like mother.

So, this picture book is very concerned about how to present the situation of Ellie's eyes mom and dad. Today my father is at home, mom goes out, what kind of agreement is this? Is Dad at home to stay with me, but he also wants to work? So at this time, if I do not be good again, my father's temper, how much is purely for me to do, how many are actually a little unhappy "Mommy at this time why go out" ?

"I feel like I grew up feeling very lonely a lot of the time. Not because parents are not in their own side, do not care about themselves, but feel the feeling of the kind of confusion, that kind of suffocation, why adults can not discuss? 」

Dr. Deng believes that the tussles between adults, children are looking in the eyes. And this can also affect the child's feelings and reactions. Children's feelings are far more complex than adults think. But Dr. Deng also observed that it is difficult for adults to believe that a child has so much in his heart, and that it is often easily ignored because the child is often difficult to express in words or to think about what he feels.

"So in my work, and in my own experience with kids, from when she was very young, I tried to talk to her about feelings and feelings. When the child is young, there may be limited conversation. But you will also gradually find that adults have concerns about things, children will actually absorb. And we can try to start with each other.

Lesson 2: "Does wrong mean i am not worthy of being loved" Why can't we say "I'm sorry"?

In this story, Ellie knocks over her father's coffee, but doesn't want to apologize. Why is that? What is in her mind at the moment? Dr. Deng said, "Most of the people who don't want to say they're sorry think, "I'm sorry" means "I'm wrong." 」

So, what does "I'm wrong" have to do with it?

""I'm wrong" means "I don't deserve your love." That's why we don't want to say we're sorry. But at the same time, when we are hurt by others, or feel that there is a rift between each other, but also very much hope that the other person can say sorry, to repair each other's love. "If this can be felt in their behavior, they can actually be untied and learned quickly. 」

So we saw the drawing book, when her mother came home, she began to try to guide the child through words. From asking "how bad is your father so bad" and "How does Dad care about himself?" the process of asking "Dad is only concerned about himself", Ellie began to reflect on herself and was willing to think.

"When I read this story, some mothers asked me in amazement how can mom talk to the child, "How is your father so bad?" Dr. Deng said she was not so worried about this, and suggested that you should weigh your child's personality: "My experience is that when you want to help a child see a conflict of positions, you can approach the child's side first, and then slowly take to an objective neutral point." If you insist on neutrality at the outset, you may not be able to pull the child; This is how empathy works in all psychotherapy. 」

How to teach children empathy? Dr. Deng suggests that children live in the same experience. When a child knows that his mother is accepting his or her feelings, he will realize his responsibility to speak knowing that his mother values what she says. At the same time, because the mother's actions let the child have enough security, he confirmed that he will not because of mistakes, admission, will lose their parents love for their own.

Then he will have the courage to take responsibility.

Lesson 3: "I'm sorry, not only when you're doing something wrong" The repair of the apology

At the same time, we also saw the father insisted that Ellie say sorry, the picture book painted the father's shadow, the shadow saw that his heart has a gap: "At this time, dad is actually with Aliso to ask for an apology that can fill the gap." 」

Dr. Deng said, adults and children are the same, when we need a word of sorry, our hearts are hurt, there is a gap. Therefore, when the relationship can not be repaired, because you do not understand their own or each other's inner holes.

At this time, my mother made a demonstration of the action -- she said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you and father and good." But you may want to ask, why does Mom need to apologize?

First of all, we can go back to the story, the mother's psychological care: "My own experience is that when the child has a problem, I feel guilty, guilt causes stress, stress is too great, it needs to be ruled out, need to confirm that "it's not my fault", then i would like to blame others." In this situation, mother's heart is also broken a hole. A family of three heart is broken hole, who can start to repair it? That's to rely on psychological carrying capacity. 」

That is, do not let yourself be overwhelmed by guilt, not to remove the pressure to give more blame, but to provide an "adult-like" carrying capacity. Dr. Deng mentioned that every family needs at least one such person. Try to feel the same way about your child and feel sorry for your child's sadness. So, when we all wait for a sorry to fill the heart of the hole, mother first took the first step, made this demonstration.

At the same time, the whole family also understand the different meaning of "Sorry" at this moment. As mentioned above, people who don't want to apologize usually back down by linking their sorry to the "I don't deserve your love" emotion. However, Dr. Deng reminds you, just as you want the other person to apologize when you are injured, if you can think about this, "I'm sorry" link resistance, there is a chance to loosen the tie - we can with the full support, with "sorry" to express "I care about you."

"I also hope that the great stake will be felt here and in their own needs. In fact, adults also need to be loved by children, need to be loved by the other half. 」

Sorry, not only when you do something wrong can say, sorry has a secret meaning, is That I care about you. When you think about it like this, maybe a lot of emotions about home, a lot of things, will start to become different.

"I don't want to say I'm sorry" at the same time from the adult's point of view of the child's psychology, but also from the child's point of view to see the gap and desire of adults. So in the process, the most important thing is not how to say that "I'm sorry", but in the process, we can also feel their own needs at the same time. If it's too late, no matter how old you are, you can repair yourself again. (Editor's recommendation: Deng Huiwen: Practice to take on the disappointment of the family, will become an adult)