Netflix's latest film, "Marriage Story," tells the story of a break-up between a partner, but can the list of lists and quarrels really help the relationship and the good news? Listen to what the consultant has to say.
"Even if there is no point in loving him, I will still love him in this life." 」
Directed by director Noah Boba, Netflix's film "Marriage Story" was well received when it went live, and was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Screenwriter, Best Drama Actress, Best Drama Film Actor and many other positives.
True, cruel, straightforward, originally peaceful break-up, gradually in the divorce mediation into the loss of control. Sometimes you do not know why, the original everything is very simple, is good together, change only the relationship, life will not change. But divorce is like a second break of your illusions, too realistic in the divorce agreement is all revealed.
After watching "Marriage Story", in addition to being shocked by the plot, may also talk about - if in real life, such a way of divorce / repair marriage is effective?
(Mine below, please check it out)
A fine count each other's advantages, really can find the feeling of once love each other?
"I love Nicole because even if she's embarrassed, she can make people feel at home. She helps the whole family cut her hair, and she can always make a pot of tea magically, though she doesn't drink it herself. She is very good at dancing and spreading happiness. "The
reason I love Charlie is that he saves electricity, he does everything, he makes his own socks, makes his own dinner, and burns his own clothes. He was rarely knocked down, but I often gave up, and Charlie accepted any of my emotions. "
Photo: "Marriage Story"
The film starts with a consultation, the two want to coordinate the divorce, the consultant said, hope to start from the positive conversation, ask the two to write down each other's strengths, read out, first talk about the past love each other's feelings.
Based on the scene series, Today interviews two partner therapists: William Doherty, a professor in the Department of Family Social Sciences at the University of Minnesota, and Jared Anderson, associate professor of partner and marital therapy at Kansas State University. Ask the two of them to talk about the video of the marriage story.
In the past, we might have thought that taking stock of the strengths of both parties could help them find a sense of love, but Professor William Doherty believes that this approach is not appropriate for partners who have entered the divorce mediation, but in partners who still want to maintain their relationship.
"It would be a mistake to try to lead this discussion in marriage consultation because they are already disappointed in both parties and you have to help them out of trouble." If you do this exercise from the start, there may be a situation where you choose to stand by someone who thinks "the problem is not that serious." William Doherty said. For a consultation, however, it is important to let both parties speak their thoughts, questions and feel that they are fully understood:
"If one party wants to calculate why it would love the other half in the first place, it will put pressure on one party, because his answer may cause the other half to ask, "Why should you divorce me if you think so?" 』」
Jared Anderson also offers his own opinion: "This is a very useful exercise, but depending on the state of mind on both sides, if they are still angry with each other and tough, they refuse to devote themselves to it, despite the therapist's guidance, and will not believe anything their partner says." 」
For a long-term marriage couple, usually because of the time, forget to tell each other, always think that the other person knows "this is the way I love you", but it is also important to say why you love him. "So the list is a way to express love in a methodical way, and each other can also enhance a sense of intimacy." William Doherty said.
In general, column lists are a useful way, but depending on the "timing" you use. Assuming that both parties still want to save the marriage, try this method. If you're already in a greed for divorce, using the list method may be in the same situation as in the movie: refusing to respond.
How can we avoid a pointless quarrel?
Photo: "Marriage Story"
"You're like your dad. 」
"Don't compare me to my dad!" 」
"I didn't compare you to your dad, I mean you behavelikely. "Your
selfishness has been internalized, so you simply don't know it's selfish, you're a king!" 」
"I wake up every morning hoping you're dead, and if I can make sure Henry isn't affected, I wish you had cancer and get hit by a car!" 」
"Marriage Story", there is a Nicole and Charlie for five minutes of quarrel, the two originally wanted to have a good chat, talk about the source of the problem, talk about how to share peace, but the dialogue is often like an out-of-control train, and finally constantly accelerate, random collision, try ingests, they know the pain of another person, know how to hurt each other the deepest, Clearly both sides of the heart is not like this, but still unconsciously spit out the other side's most offensive words, so a knife stabbed each other, to the end, two people cry, said sorry.
This quarrel reflects the fact that we lose our communication and reason, and that we can't actually solve the real problems in our marriage. Both professors say their quarrels are very real, as many couples look like when they come to an end, but it's actually an unconstructive way of communicating. So is it possible for us to avoid this pointless quarrel?
"It's important to bridge the gap, but both sides need to take responsibility for their problems first and foremost to have room for dialogue," says Jared Anderson. Plus be open and curious about your partner. We all have a responsibility to convey our concern and frustration. 」
As the discussion gets out of control and you think you're going to do something that hurts each other, you can tell yourself: It's no use, I'm not going to help, no matter how angry I am.
Most importantly, however, are you willing to take on your own problems and admit that we are not so good, so whether the ending is compound or separate, at least we make each other a better person, but also good to say good-bye to each other.