It's hard to reconcile with your family? Interview with Deng Huiwen: Accepting disappointment with parents is the process of growing up

"You can't allow your children to be dissatisfied with themselves?" 」

"How do you let your child know what's behind it and say", "I'm sorry"? 」

This year, Dr. Deng began publishing a children's emotional growth book "I don't want to say I'm sorry", "Mom becomes a duck", talking about anger, ununderstanding, and sadness, if we can take good care of these emotions, we have the possibility of growth. And before I get into the topic of parenting, I asked, these drawings seem to be talking to children, in fact, also frequently pointed the microphone at the grown-up.

"Have you ever looked at your dissatisfaction with your parents?" 」

"People who can't say they're sorry have trauma inside. 」

She mentioned that those adult sons who have not been appeased by the inner child, will follow themselves, in the first love time appeared once, when the marriage appeared once, until you are a parent, will find that he still refused to go away. The phrase she said that year, "Stop having baby-like fantasies about love," is actually used in your relationship with your native family -- many times we have no way to take care of it. That's what growing up is all about.

And you're ready to take on your disappointment with your parents?

A man in his 50s and 60s may still be expecting his parents' understanding.

"Do you see how many people in their 60s and 70s are scolding their parents in their 80s and 90s?" How many people in their 40s and 50s cry and complain to their parents? 」

"I asked them, "What do you think your parents are so old to owe you?" I tell you, everyone can tell how his old parents let him down. 」

As soon as Dr. Deng began, he threw a shock bomb. She said a four-year-old might be angry with her mother for cooking something I don't want to eat, and a 40-year-old might be angry about why her mother wasn't happy with his new job. You don't stop expecting your parents just because you're an "adult."

"Like a case I've been in with before, a man in his 50s and 60s who has to take care of his dementia parents, he feels impatient and has a lot of anger in his heart. After careful discussion, he found that his heart is very painful, my parents, how can you quickly understand me? You can't talk to me so soon? You can't remember your grandson's name so soon? He saw that other people's parents will take their children on a trip together, but you can not, his heart of that anger, in fact, very sad.

So, no matter how old we are, our good imagination of our parents won't go away so easily. And there is anticipation, there will be disappointment, and then there will be more emotions: "Because that is the small unsolved thing." 'It's really not that simple, ' Dr. Deng said. A trauma accumulates in your heart, and you are always too late to notice, so every time you touch it, you will be in a great pain.

However, don't panic, you'll always have a chance to get better.

Grow up on the road, experience a few times no longer safe embrace the feeling

"First of all, it's understood that all babies start with 'parents should have to deal with all my needs.' 」

Then, you will slowly see the hands and feet of your parents: "For example, mom sometimes will talk, she sometimes will be emotional, when the mood is not good, different ways of doing things; Many children experience disappointment with their parents at different stages of their development. Most of the time, however, we don't know how to deal with this disappointment, and then take it with us all the time, or even bring it to other relationships.

And as mentioned above, if you haven't looked at it, it will probably follow you all your life to old age, and you don't know how to really accept your parents. In this regard, Dr. Deng to psychological growth theory, want to give some methods: "People experience the dissatisfaction with parents, there will be anxiety." So the first thing is to deal with this shock, the parents will not go as I imagined; then deal with anger, why you can't give me what I want; and then slowly allow yourself to accept the fact that parents can be imperfect. 」

"Next, you're going to start experiencing something That I'm going to do on my own." You can no longer think of all your needs as something your parents owe you and what their parents should do. Finally you can get a kind of confidence is, in fact, I can also. Because I'm ahead of my parents, I have a bigger stage, a bigger self-experiment: "I haven't talked about "practice" yet, it's just "experiment." Dr. Deng stressed, at least, you gave yourself a chance to slowly see that you are capable of developing.

"Usually at this stage, it is only then that you can admit that parents are still useful, or more mature than they are." Thus, the relationship of mutual trust between parents and children can also enter a different stage.

And this process is often repeated several times: "You may go through it once when you are three or four years old; adolescence suddenly learns a lot of philosophy at school, goes through it again, comes out of society, sees a lot of interpersonal relationships, you start to have an opinion on your parents' personality, you have an opinion about the way they look at personnel, and you've experienced it again. ......。 Next, when you're a parent, and when your parents are old.

"People are constantly in this way beyond their parents, and then parents to claim back, time and time again in the process of self-growth." 」

Like a reflection arc, the more you feel that you can grow up safe on your own, the more you can repair the wounds left by the imperfection of your parents. So, the so-called growth, with excitement, but also with a sense of loneliness

Originally I can just go here on my own ah, and the original, my parents, they really won't stand there when I need them.

On the way home, I found that the home was only imagined by himself.

And we also talked about this line, and growing up away from home and home the same way.

You may have some opportunity to leave home to study and work abroad, and in a few instants, because of distance, you begin to slowly forget about your conflict with home. You are also starting to miss your home. Several times on the way home, as the physical distance approaches, the feeling of thought and excitement rises in a straight line, however, when you arrive home, when you feel the family head all kinds of places that make you uncomfortable, you experience another disillusionment. You know, the original home is only in the imaginary place.

"I think this should be a feeling that younger friends will have more. 」

Speaking of which, Dr. Deng suddenly came to the conclusion, I asked, "One day we will not have this feeling?" "Yes, because at some stage, the gap between expectation and disappointment will fit. You don't have to go home, you'll remember that your parents are so terrible. She said a little too little, if you can be caused to stay away from home a little longer, forget the terrible parents, that you are still young, your regeneration ability is still very strong ah: "To our age, we do not have to go home we will know what to play this Year, is completely predictable." 」

Then, she said of her mother just happened to the story: "Yesterday I had a friend sent my own banana to me, I very kindly took a little to my mother, told her that it is delicious, the result of my mother said, she also took downstairs to buy, but also the family's own bananas to me ah." 」

"Then she took a bite, took a bite, and I told you, i knew what he was going to say before he had eaten. What do you think she's going to say? She suddenly asked me to imagine myself with my parents.

She said, The one I originally bought was better. 」

We smiled at each other.

"I'm telling you, I'm forty-eight years old, but I think I knew from the age of three that she would always answer that." "At that moment you will think, people give you bananas, you can't eat it, and then say thank you? Do you have to say more of that?

"But now I'll tell myself that she can't swallow her banana, so why can't I swallow her words?" 」

Parents are ordinary people, and they also need to be affirmed.

"It must have been because when she gave me a banana, I didn't look very moved, I certainly didn't satisfy her about it. So now she finally has a chance, she wants to remind me that she gave me a better banana. 」

So this daughter, she asked herself, then I can just "admit defeat", said oh I remember, your banana is delicious, next time you have a chance to help me buy some good? "That way she'll be comfortable." 」

As if she said that, to talk about parents to the child's expectations, that is too much. Adults often expect children to accept their love, so that they feel that they have the ability to love. That's why we feel that sometimes when children don't accept, adults force them to accept. It's about asking for a sense of accomplishment, or a sense of existence, with a child.

'This is what happens that the average parent's children are going to be looping around,' she added. 'From who to vote for, where the country is going, where the country should marry, what work you can do, there's always too much to disagree with. But in fact, the crux of each other is often in the same place -- "You think, I'm your kid, don't you have to try to get to know me?" Parents will also think, you are my child, you do not have to listen to my opinion? 」

What you have to understand slowly, however, is that what you believe in each other is different. And you all want each other's understanding and affirmation. But what Dr. Deng wants to say is that when we all wait for the other side to finish ourselves, whoever he is, you will never stop being disappointed in him. For example, your parents, they are actually mortals, they really do not need to make you satisfied. So, starting with this, think about what you need to know or agree with your parents? What's the reason? And when do you have to get these things on your own?

Speaking of this, I can slowly imagine, just said that the road home, said that at the end of the way we will not wait, not hurt, in fact, not exactly disappointed parents, and then no; But can rely on their own strength, their own satisfaction.

We continue to talk about the pattern that many relationships in life are repeating. For example, between us and our own children, and between husband and wife. And most often, we become the kind of mom son or partner we hate the most. "That is, usually life doesn't make you so satisfied; if it's a subject, you don't finish it at once." 」

And are you ready to keep listening?

(Interview Next: Anxiety about Marriage? Interview Deng Huiwen: Don't spend a lifetime, just try to find someone to take care of you )