Interview deng Huiwen, give the relationship lesson of modern people, and the other half of the concept is different? Always anxious about marriage? She wants to say on this subject, self-awareness is very important, first understand, not that he does not do well, but you have expectations of him.

(Interview: How difficult is it to reconcile with your family?) Interview with Deng Huiwen: Accepting disappointment with his parents is the process of growing up )

When I found out, I became the kind of mom and dad I hated the most.

Growing lines, sometimes very short, you can complete at once, and sometimes fall long, so you can't help but doubt yourself. For example, when the parents of this class, I asked the doctor, when the new parents are good anxiety; For example, when I found out that I was putting it on my children in the way I experienced the least in my native family, I couldn't control myself?

That's when she told a story.

There is a man, he grew up against the meaning of his father, the father will be strict, he then become a very depressed, easy to tension, no self-confidence of the child. He couldn't understand why his father was so impatient with himself. Later, when he became a father himself, he told him that he could never treat his children like his own father.

"Does nare sound like this?" Let me tell you what kind of father he later became -- if his child made a mistake or behaved beyond his comprehension, he would ask the child to explain. 」

But the child is a person who can't explain things, and he just says , "I don't know", which makes the father very angry, and he keeps asking the child, "Why did you just do this?" "I let you say it?" You tell me, you say a reason" and "Don't eat if you don't say it clearly." Then his wife said to him, Why are you so cruel to a child, you look like your father. He listened and immediately went crazy, saying i had something like my father, my father would not let me explain, I opened his slap and hit it down. I just don't want to be like him.

"Let me ask you, as a child, is it different from what he sucks from his father?" Dr. Deng asked back, layer by layer, endlessly disassembled, to explain a, about anxiety reproduction, how it is operated, it wants to explain what, we have been looking forward to a long time to answer.

And you'll see that this man, whose father was using corporal punishment, who uses questioning, is high-pressure for the child and accepts the same message -- you're going to let me go my way. At the same time, his childhood trauma was clearly revealed: "He wanted to communicate with the child, wanted the child to understand what he said, in fact, he said, he has the child as his father." He was able to make up for the pain of his inability to communicate with his father.

So what does this guy need? Or take a step back and ask what we can do to stop the anxiety when we're worried that we're the last mom and dad we want to be?

The first step in self-awareness: recognizing your needs

"We use what we believe in our children. But in that moment, you don't have to understand the deeper and broader dimensions of events; At this moment, perhaps it is not your child standing in front of you who is "unjustified", but your inner child.

Like the man in the story, he thought he had adjusted his communication, but he didn't know he couldn't jump out of the control of his native family. "So what he needs is a thorough understanding of what his father has done to himself, for example, a feeling of not being understood." Then he must heal himself here, not through children. 」

Dr. Deng notes that this is a "self-aware" process. You understand what past growth experiences have brought you, and then try to digest it yourself. Otherwise, it will be difficult for us to escape its "magic palm". And the first step in self-awareness, we can start by understanding our own needs: "Like my drawing book, basically, we start with "what happened to everyone himself." 」

In "I don't want to say I'm sorry", my mother went out to work, daughter Ellie wanted her father to play with her, pulled over the father's hands of hot coffee, but afterwards she did not want to apologize, and caused the father's dissatisfaction. At this time, the plot arranges for the mother to go home, and become sittine to make the family and good key. Dr. Deng said her mother actually only did one thing, and she went to see what her immediate needs were. (Editor's recommendation: Deng Huiwen: People who can't say "I'm sorry" have trauma in their hearts)

"She went home to see the two sides break up, the heart should feel sad, she first deal with their own sad, feel what they need. And then I believe my mother will feel, "I wish everyone can love each other together", or "I can feel the feeling of being concerned when I go home, do not you both are quarrelling, smelly face, no one to meet me", and then she will understand this time this time there is a lack of care in this family. And the mother thinks that as an adult, she should be able to give this thing first. She then divided to the two sides of the people said sorry, sorry, I did not make you good.

Therefore, the mother did the opposite, not to the same daughter's grievances, or father's dissatisfaction, but to pay attention to themselves. I feel what I want. Dr. Deng believes that when you are sensitive to your own needs, you can know what others need now.

So back to the party to talk, how to avoid themselves becoming their most feared kind of parents? The answer is not to forgive your parents, or how to accept your children, but to go back to yourself. Just take advantage of this time, a good understanding of what the inner child wants to say to you may be a desire to be appeased, perhaps an apology, or something else. Anyway, you have worked so hard to move forward, this time you will understand that the most you need to work hard, is to stop in place, no longer need to please who. You care about yourself, you learn to love.

Communication in marriage? Can't just try a little bit, you have to work very hard to accept ah

The same thing applies to couples getting along and communicating.

Dr. Deng mentioned that he and his husband's idea of raising children is actually very different: "I am a psychotherapy professional background, I have clinical experience to confirm, so I believe this. And he may be because of his work, he learned some of the truth of life, he also get a sense of achievement in life, so he believes in his set. So, they do a lot of discussion for this, a lot of grinding, personality is different, believe things are different, I asked Dr. Deng, is it just to try a little to appreciate the other half of the way to raise children?

"You can't just try a little bit, you have to work very hard to accept it." She answered quickly, and there was a lot of affirmation in her words. And she knew what I wanted to ask about that "effort".

"First of all, we have to have a fair amount of confidence that you can allow the other person's ideas to be different from yours. Then, don't you just want to make his mind look exactly like you. She believes that what you need most than to convince each other or to keep them in the way of each other is the opportunity to cooperate. Starting with confidence in yourself is the beginning of your opportunity to cooperate. And children are lucky enough to see two completely different life templates, and then they can make their own looks.

Hearing this I can't help but ask, will it be a little lonely feeling? Say is the partner, but chess is the enemy, clever balance, always not very close. Dr. Deng was patient, saying what she had always believed:

"I hope my partner supports himself for a certain amount, but after being a father and mother, or after a long marriage, I feel that i need to face it even more, in fact, the partner needs our support." 」

'You have to have a determination that you can't wait for someone to take care of you, take care of you before you have to function,' she said, 'or indulge in the shock and panic you don't take care of.' Sometimes you may just have to bite your teeth and say, OK, maybe I don't get what I need now, but can I put my function to good?

"When you do this, usually a conscientious family will work." She smiled and said it was the way she understood how it worked, saying it was marriage, home, relationship. When you can't wait, watch yourself first, and your state will have a steady effect on those around you; 'Everyone wants to be functional,' she says.

"Most family conflicts stem from a lack of self-confidence and a lack of respect. Afraid of attacking each other too much, we are too busy dealing with attacks and not being able to play to our best. Waiting for someone to apologize and for others to understand, she said, I don't think it's going to work. So you look back, don't you think?

Modern Man's Relationship Lesson: It's not that he doesn't do well, it's that you expect from him

Now that it comes to relationships, we have to talk about modern anxiety about marriage. From the generation of persuasion and non-dissuasion, Dr. Deng said, the trend is that people pay more and more attention to self-fulfilment: "Modern people are increasingly feeling that it is irresponsible not to be honest with themselves; 」

But if we had now moved into an atmosphere of dissuasion, we had chosen to meet separately, she said, and the main challenge now, she says, should be what we imagine about marriage, which is very diverse and unpredictable. What your ideal wife looks like, how i'll make each other happy, sometimes you think you're likely to be different from your partner. And she bitter heart, said or the same truth - instead of desperately in this pile of choice to guess what the other side want, you still understand their own first.

"You know what's going on, you know why you're under pressure, if it's a need, you know it's your own, and then you're expecting someone to meet me." If someone doesn't, you'll be sad, angry, and then you know how to deal with these emotions. This, she says, is a very important subject of self-care.

"But the average person is not like this. The average person is, I feel not happy, that's not what I expect of you, that's what you did wrong. 」

What she says is a shift in thinking patterns. That is, it's not that he doesn't do anything well, it's that I'm asking him first: "You know what you need, and then you're sad because someone didn't give you it, and you'll be humble." Because you know you're begging people. 」

At the same time, she also reminds everyone to simultaneously perceive other people's needs for themselves, and then think, that you do not want to give, do not want to give, you admit that you do not want to give the other person that thing. I acknowledge my needs and the needs of others, and if we can all get along with a more mature, honest and self-conscious attitude, our relationship will not be so confused.

"In the theory of marriage therapy, it is argued that the human subconscious often chooses a partner who challenges your subject. So, when you choose someone today who can't meet some of your needs, that doesn't mean he's not the right person, it's not the right person: "It's probably the partner you need, and it's your choice, and I'll choose you again, and you'll still choose that partner." 」

What she's trying to say is that if you have a subject today, no matter who you're with, you're creating your questions in your interactions with them: "For example, if you don't feel insecure, you can create insecure questions between you," no matter who you're looking for." 」

So don't be afraid to admit your gaps. You don't do it today anyway, and one day you'll do it. I think of a passage she said in the interview, in which she said that every character in the house was under a lot of pressure. My husband thinks he's the most stressed, and my kids feel stressed, so does my mom. And this is home. Don't be stressed, don't be together. But not together, you have the pressure of loneliness.

Like to say, this problem of home, smelly and long, you think you leave this home, you will go to the next place, but in the end or in place around. And this question, perhaps never is the standard answer, you are not going to find that set of parents how to communicate, how to get along with partners, how to raise children;

She says a lot, but it's all the same thing -- the injured kids, whether you're growing up or not, have gone where they've gone, don't ignore the anxiety and gaps, feel it, follow it; all the uneasiness is helping you find your way home. And you never have to worry, as long as you're willing to go, you're already on that road. (Review interview: How difficult is it to reconcile with your family?) Interview with Deng Huiwen: Accepting disappointment with his parents is the process of growing up )