Deng Huiwen on family: between parents and children, can not only ask for each other

Growing up, you may start to realize where your parents will let you down. For example, they don't have the strength you thought when you were young, they have some love and emotion, or they have a particularly old-fashioned side in your opinion, and you find that you have different positions, such as as as polling day approaches, you feel that the conflict between them is getting worse.

And at the same time, your parents also trouble duped children always against themselves, they feel emotional is you, feel your temper, is he knows that from small to most can not change the appearance. So no one in you feel respected. Every time you open a sensitive topic, you have a lot of emotions, and you feel like you can't help it. Of course, the results of your conversations are fruitless, and again leave more estrangement and hurt.

How do you find a balance between spending time with your family? How can I find opportunities for freedom? Deng Huiwen in the "family this disease" book of the recommended film shared, when we are suffering from family problems, whether parents or children, perhaps we should start to try to understand in the so-called family love, whether hidden belong to your selfish and self-needs, your behavior shows only defense and escape? (Editor's recommendation: How difficult is it to reconcile with your family?) Interview with Deng Huiwen: Accepting disappointment with his parents is the process of growing up )

Now, talk about the importance of self-awareness and the solutions Dr. Deng has given us:

Photo:"Family this disease" Dr. Deng Huiwen film screenshot

The main problem of Chinese families: We expect too much from our parents

The first is our setting and imagination of "parents should be perfect".

In the face of Chinese or Asian families, Dr. Deng mentioned that children generally expect too much from their parents. Parents as the two most important original roles of our development -- all babies start with relying on their parents -- so our culture has a lot of images of "great" and "perfect" parents.

"I think it's this that's killing us and tying us up." Dr. Deng explained.

So we should accept that the real parents are ordinary human beings, they have their joyand, the limits of things. Dr. Deng believes that with such a basic set and tolerance, we began to get along with parents like people: "Don't use a feeling like waiting for each other to pay off debts, I was young you haven't given me anything, so it's been noisy, noisy parents are very old, you want that thing in as a baby." 」

Eventually, wait for something like this to be released, and the knot between you and your parents can be opened.

Photo:"Family this disease" Dr. Deng Huiwen film screenshot

Too close parent-child relationship: it's not that children can't be independent, it's that parents can't let their children go

The second is whether your anxiety about your own life is unwittingly passed on to your family?

Referring to the bondbetween between parents and children, Dr. Deng said that what we see a lot of times is not that children cannot be independent, but that parents can't let their children off: "Because some parents are not really going to overcome them in the face of their own midlife crisis, or the existential anxiety of life." They just put all their energy into the child and then feel as if they can prolong their time in the face of life's limitedness. 」

Dr. Deng stressed that such a state of mind, in fact, children subconsciously will be accepted. So the kids will join the show: "They'll show that he can't be independent, he needs you, he wants you to be involved." 」

And what will happen? Looking back, there's a lot of resentment. Because children feel trapped by their parents, complain that parents can not give themselves a real independence and so on. The two sides have been stirring up, each other feel that they have sacrificed their lives.

Emotional solution: Don't wait for others to take care of your emotions, but start taking responsibility for your life

And after understanding the tangled points between the two sides, what can we do next?

"I think it's still a matter of awareness, and everyone is responsible for their own lives. 」

Dr. Deng mentioned that in our culture, it is a responsibility and a love to feel that the bondage between family members is also a love. But what we have to begin to realize is, is this love actually hiding a lot of cowardice, selfishness, or their own needs? When we can begin to face our own setbacks, do not put their unfinished things on others, this is the process of self-responsibility.

So, as a child, you can begin to accept the disappointment of parents, began to jump in the ununder-understand and accompanying scare, can slowly rely on their own to get what they want. As a parent, you can begin to understand what their behavior is actually from their own needs, understand that the other party can not do, but I have to ask you first.

When we always only want each other to know themselves and satisfy ourselves, there will be no real dialogue between us, but only the exchange of emotions and mutual undertaking, so that more and more high-pressure family relationships.

Before you go home next time, before you want to complain about "why are your choices different from me" and "Why don't you understand my choices?" you can stop and try to say to yourself, I might still want to get your understanding, but if I don't get it at the moment, I won't be depressed. Because I can already be responsible for my own choices. Maybe next time you're ready, we'll have another chance to talk.

When each of us can be more aware, and after awareness learns to take responsibility for our emotions and needs, perhaps we can all find a freer home. Also out of the desire for parents, we finally have a chance to really grow up.