How much preparation do I have to prepare for before I know I can get into a marriage? Perhaps we can never guarantee that the marriage will last for a long time, but at least we can increase the strength of our relationship by "focusing" before marriage.
When we fall in love with someone, you want to settle down with him and go into marriage together; As a result, we rarely want to think about one of the possible outcomes of marriage -- divorce. However, it is possible.
Just love is enough? As long as I feel happy right now, can we overcome all the difficulties? However, how many marriages also begin with love, and you have no intention of hurting each other, but in the end it is towards the end of tearing up the face? Perhaps the key is whether you have any "focus" on each other before you get married.
From your free life to the two people living under the same roof, from being alone to being each other's home, your relationship, your identity is really different. The first step in taking responsibility for this new identity may be to understand the thoughts of the parties on all sides first;
London-based gender and marriage columnist L?a Rose Emery suggests trying to talk to your partner about these eight questions before getting married! You will be surprised that in the past there have been so many faces have been quietly ignored, and fortunately we have a good communication of these issues, otherwise you do not say, I really do not know!
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Question 1: What are your financial goals? How can we strive to achieve these goals?
First of all, you need to talk about money.
Money is the number one source of stress between couples, so you may need to spend more time identifying each other's view of money, says Emery. She also suggests that so-called financial goals contain a consensus on the idea of looking at money and whether the two sides are compatible with their economic needs, and that the focus here is not on how much money you and you make together, but on how you manage your money. For example, do you find that the other party never pays the credit card bill on time, do you think that the circular interest is within the burden, or simply have the habit of defaulting on card debt? You have to make sure that each other's ideas about the use of money are similar or accepted, because the reality is that money is the foundation of all life. (Editor's recommendation: Why do you want to warm up your relationship and your partner needs to talk about money first?) ) )
Question 2: When you are under pressure, what is the most needed support?
Two people live together, in addition to sharing happiness, you are also to some extent bear the other's negative emotions and pressures in life. However, it is also one of the most valuable things to give him what he needs during difficult times in his life. It's just that everyone reacts to a negative mood and the way they will need to be accompanied is different; some people need their own space, some people need someone to listen to him, and some people always need encouragement. And when we do encounter such a low tide, we may not be able to fully express our needs to the other half. So it's a good move to focus at this point.
Question 3: Do you want to have children?
For "Do you want to have children?" This question, you might think, don't think so far now, then you'll know? However, it is actually a very broad dialogue.
Emery first warned that "desperately trying to get pregnant" can be devastating for a relationship -- the stress and challenge that extends when you're desperate for IVF because you want to have a baby. So even if your point of view may change over time, it's definitely helpful to discuss it early and make sure you're on the same side as each other, and it's definitely helpful in a team. (Recommended reading: Children are born together without "helping" a wife with children)
Question 4: What is the communication mode you are used to?
Perhaps you all have a basic idea that communication is important in a relationship, but you will also find that everyone's habit of communicating in different ways seems to be different. Try to understand, who among you usually need solder ingress? Is there anyone who is always easy to blurt out words and often regret them afterwards? Or does someone think that dialogue in writing is actually more effective for each other? Many times, we think that the problem itself is to be solved, but the focus may be on unlocking each other's "communication code". To build a modes of communication in which you can most understand and understand each other, everything will become easier.
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Question 5: What is your "bottom line"?
Then, there is no denying that everyone has their own bottom line. It may be about children, someone may be particularly focused on the subject of parenting, which is not a compromise part of his life; it may be about the house, the living environment, some people think that the goal of life is to pursue a secure home, so he can not easily succumb to this. To discuss these things, to understand what might be more difficult to negotiate to live together, but what kind of consensus we can reach. Don't be too nervous, if you've come to the point where you've decided to get married, your values don't usually go too far. To do this is just to make each other more sure of the goals of future life.
Question 6: How much time do you need to be alone?
After marriage, at least legally you are no longer single. You need to maintain a family, you need to be responsible for every aspect of life for two or more people at the same time, and this is probably the most people will have to sigh after marriage - miss a person's time ah! And it's normal to feel that way; everyone needs to be alone. It's just that some people take a long time, some may be relatively shorter, and if you don't know how much time your partner will need to be alone, you may be prone to complaining or feeling insecure that he is not retreating or avoiding marriage.
Therefore, reaching an early consensus will not only strengthen your relationship, but also make you feel more comfortable in the relationship.
Question 7: What is your greatest fear?
Emery notes that marriage is about understanding, not just understanding each other's hopes, dreams, or aspirations for life; it's about understanding each other's fears, regrets, and struggles. It's not an easy question, however, the more you can listen to each other in this regard, the more you understand each other's marriage. Try to ask him, what scares him most? What makes him anxious most easily? And when will he be particularly insecure? And believe in yourself, and when you are ready to love more and farther, these negative emotions can also be covered up by the love of both of you.
Question 8: What does marriage mean to you?
Marriage means different things to everyone. Some people think that marriage is to have children; some people want to experience different identities; some people think that it is a kind of love and rights, from then on can legally bear the other side's old and sick death. Talking about each other's expectations ensures that you can meet each other's needs, and you know he's the one you want to choose. At the same time, you can also try to ask each other, what do you think your ideal wife/husband looks like? At the same time you ask yourself, would you like to let yourself be like that?
Finally, Emery reminds you that there is no such thing as a guarantee that there will be no divorce; however, you have the best chance to give marriage, and you have a way to make it stronger. Also, finding out different ideas isn't really a frustrating thing; The old saying, you don't say, who knows? Say it together, and make sure that each other have come out of their marriage in good faith, let him know, know you, and let you know yourself, this is the most romantic way i love you.