Britain's royal prince Spall and Meghan have announced their retirement from the royal family, a move that gives us a hint that when you find out that your home is no longer for you, or even that you start to have some resistance to coming home, sometimes it's healthy to draw a line with home.
Did you ever want to leave your home when you were growing up? You know that's probably a better choice for you; Is it emotional guilt, or is it always too big or too hard for you to escape?
On 9 January 2020, Prince Harry and Meghan posted a message on IG saying they would step down from senior members of the royal family and strive to be financially independent and have a personal family space, but would continue to give her full support to Her Majesty. The choice, they say, is to allow them to play a new, progressive role in the family.
The news caught the world's attention as soon as it came out. In response, Julia Ries, a longtime health-related author at Huffpost, writes that while most people are still speculating about the reasons behind it, one thing is clear - Prince Harry and Meghan are drawing some lines with their families. And they're demonstrating how to take care of your mental health; that's how it's going to make some hard changes in your home.
Julia says that while Prince Harry and Meghan have a special background, back to the public, most people may have dealt with family dynamics at some point -- it's not easy to establish a clear line with your home, but in the long run it can actually make you more free with your life.
In the event of a conflict with the home, "bordering" with the home is actually an option, but few people have told you in the past that this is really possible.
Why do we aspire to establish certain boundaries with our home?
"Sometimes you leave to meet new possibilities. 」
Mom and Dad worked hard to nurture you and grow up, and you are grateful for it, and you are taught to give back the truth; We have rarely doubted the "control" of our parents in the past. However, as you grow older, you will also begin to come into contact with the outside world.
As Mayra Mendez, a child and family development psychotherapist, says, we get information from the family, but we also start to get information from the world, and we will gradually absorb, understand, find out who we are; See your most adapted and most want to interact with the world. One of your needs, your desires, is constantly changing, and finally find your most comfortable appearance.
And when you look back, you tend to find that there is some distance between you and your native family. And at this moment, you also have to adjust to allow you to continue your most comfortable relationship with each other.
This is actually a very normal development process, we look back, in fact, they can also be very honest to feel their own like or do not like the life pattern. As Prince Harry and Megan said, it was done to play a new, progressive role in the family.
And this "progress" is not only for them themselves, but also for their families.
Without borders, resentment will develop.
"It's about getting closer, just to stay away first." 」
We can then think back to the moment when a family member "crossed the line"; For example, your parents expect you to go home for dinner every weekend, your sister always asks you to pay some financial support for your family, or your partner forces you to accept his political leanings. In these times, their expectations run back to each other with your inner desires, but you can't resist the "fulfilment of obligations" due to family relationships. To do this, you will begin to accumulate inner discontent.
The point here is that when you do these things, you're actually very resistant, but you feel guilty when you don't do it; you want to be able to leave your family, reject your family, you want to lose your temper with them, but on the one hand you find yourself unable to do it. Thus, your heart accumulated over time to complain about the emotions, you began to enter the negative cycle of evil.
In the end, this cycle of relationships won't benefit anyone; your emotions will be passed on to the relationship, and your relationship will become a source of stress for what should have been love as a link. Psychologist Jessy Warner-Cohen says that "escape" is one of the worst things that can damage your relationship. He stresses that your needs are as important as your family's, so whenever you find something wrong and feel the conflict arises, it needs to be addressed.
Solid boundaries, starting with honest, open communication
"Be honest, not just for this family, but for ourselves. 」
So, knowing the importance of establishing boundaries, where can we start?
According to Mendez, an important first step is to understand your needs first. Look at yourself first, what's right for you, what's not right for you, what you like, what you're very ostracized about, or what's your bottom line? Only when you have established your own problem points, you figure out what's really bothering you, and you've thought about a few options that you can adjust, and then you can figure out how to communicate with your family. So the first point is honesty.
Mendez went on to warn that we have to be aware of this -- the boundaries are two-sided and the compromise is huge. Therefore, we cannot really decide only what is right for us, or to decide directly on an implementation plan; the so-called family boundary must be considered both sides at the same time, which may require many discussions and a common discussion of possible solutions. The second point, therefore, is to remain as open and collaborative as possible.
Finally, we also give each other some time. After all, building a border with your family is often a huge undertaking, and you may not succeed at once. We need to "negotiate" and coordinate carefully and patiently, and we need to wait more for each other. In this process, it is possible to put forward some specific solutions in the middle zone in due course, so that each other can have room for imagination, with the imagination space will not be more than a source of anxiety.
It can be long, and you may want to give up; however, always remember one thing -- it's not simple, but because you, your family, your physical and mental health comes first, and we have to do so. And in the process, always remind yourself to make "feel good" decisions. You have to be empathy to your family and feel at all times, and in the end we will make each other understand that this boundary is not about drawing a clear relationship, but about finding a way for us to fall in love more appropriately.