"My partner, and i should be my best friend" relationship psychology: What are the pitfalls of such an idea?

In his 2017 presidential farewell address, Obama said to his wife, "Michelle, for the past 25 years, you've been not just my wife, the mother of my children, but also my best friend." We sometimes hear the vows at wedding ceremonies, "I'm so lucky that you are both my love and my best friend." (Editor's note: Obama and Michelle's marriage: You're not perfect, but with you, I'm a better person)

It sounds great that your partner can be your most trusted friend at the same time. However, you might have thought that this should be one of the criteria for screening the other half? If I can't be my best friend, does it prove that he's not the right person?

On this issue, we will discuss this together today through experts in various fields and the results of the survey.

Photo "It's Not A Love"

Study: This is a lucky thing, but not "must"

It's easy to imagine that when your partner is also your best friend, it's a real thing. However, before pursuing this, we may be able to focus on our "needs" - do you need a good friend at any time?

There have been studies showing that people's need for friendship actually decreases after they get married. Research by John Helliwell, a professor at the Vancouver School of Economics and editor of the World Happiness Report, found that friendship is really important to people For married couples, however, you don't need friends as much as you did when you were single: "That's why we think marriage is a "super friendship." 」

Helliwell argues that marriage still has its own functions and benefits for people who have many friends outside, and that for those who see their partner as a close friend, the benefits of marriage are of course greater. However, he also stressed that this is an additional harvest.

In other words, it will not be a necessary condition for the achievement of a happy marriage;

What's the trap of thinking like "He's my best friend"?

So "the partner is not the best friend" is not so good, and some words are certainly better. But is it really only good?

Experts warn that relationships such as "my partner is my best friend" may sound harmless at first glance, but there may be some hidden worries behind it that need attention.

Dr. Ellyn Bader, an American husband and wife therapist, notes that using "friendship" to define each other and be satisfied with it may be a warning sign of avoiding conflict and tension: "It often means that you don't want to face the complexities of getting along with each other." 」

Peter Pearson, co-founder of the Menlo Park Companion Institute in California, agrees that there is a key difference between a best friend and a partner: "One of the criteria for best friends is unconditional acceptance and recognition. For example, today your good friend messed up your kitchen and didn't have to take on the tax on your life, you wouldn't really care; Therefore, you cannot avoid certain questions.

So when you're addicted to the well-being of "he's my best friend," you need to be aware of the actual differences between marriage and friendship. Partners need more consistent values than friends; the so-called "best friend" shouldn't be the trap you use to escape the various aspects of real life.

Photo "It's Not A Love"

The risk-spreading principle in the relationship: Do you have any other focus than him?

We are also concerned about the risks of "partner and friend" status. New York psychologist F. Diane Barth has shared that a partner is also a best friend, and that it also carries the meaning of dependency -- that you may lack other fulfilling lives beyond your relationship.

As relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein explains, we all need a strong life support system, but one can't be everything. When you place your expectations of friendship, love, and marriage on the same person, your relationship can be put on a lot of pressure. Some relationships may be affordable, but it's not something that everyone can do. In addition, if the other person fails to respond to your expectations today, you may also feel resentment against him.

It's also the principle of "don't put eggs in the same basket" -- perhaps, just start treating your partner as one of your best friends. It's certainly important that your partner is on the same team as you and that he can support your life. However, no matter how much you love each other or how well you fit in, any relationship is the same, and you need to have room to breathe.

Finally, back to our question -- should a partner and friendship have both? Diane points out that the problem is actually complex. Some people think that marriage and friendship are perfect, but others think it's better to separate the two. And it's a personal choice. In addition, each of us' needs change over time. Amir Levine, a psychiatrist and neuroscientist at Columbia University, points out that everyone has a hierarchy of attachment; that is, if something bad happens, we have a sequence of calls for help -- when young, the highest order is usually our parents or other family members; He may become a friend or lover.

Therefore, there are no rules. If you still want to know the answer, maybe listen to Diane's reminder first -- you should care about what you "want" in this relationship, not what you "deserve."