Interview with Zeng Yanyan Amazing, when her father was a child, the parents quarrelled constantly, let her in some shock and loss of emotions to grow up. Growing up, she was also in love and wanted to find a home for herself; however, she found that the trauma of her native family remained in her self, leaving her to fall apart in her relationship. And finally after a lost love, she began to go back to her family story, willing to touch her never-before-discovered wounds.
At the age of 26, at the end of an emotional affair, Amazing began to explore a series of spiritual lessons, and it was in the process that she suddenly realized the profound impact of the native family on herself.
She remembered that when she was in kindergarten, her father would take her and her brother to date an outside aunt, who did not know at that time that the other person was the subject of his father's affair. Later, she was brought back to her mother's home by her mother, who saw her father again every year only for the New Year.
She told the story, long, long, as if she hadn't stopped at first. She said she told herself that the man was just going to show up once and wait until he was leaving. And she is the child who waits in place, practices repeatedly, and strives to grow up and love her seriously;
My dad took me on a date with my aunt, and I wrote down the route and went back to tell my mother.
Recalling that he was led out by his father, accompanied by a strange aunt in love process, she said, was very happy, feel can go out to play;
"But I'm not sure I felt self-blame at the time. I just remember that when I found out it didn't seem very good, I began to secretly write down the route of our house to my aunt's house and go back and tell my mother. 」
"One day, my mother followed the path I told her to take me to my aunt's house. I heard them chatting, talking about what I forgot, but the only thing I remember aunt said to my mother: "I think marriage is a piece of white paper ah, you put there in fact, no one to care about it, then he has no use." 』」
Now think about it, she still feela a bit magical, when she was only three or four years old, actually can remember such a big kind of words.
Or, in retrospect, the route from her own home to her aunt's, she walked through the whole journey several times, and she wrote down their countless moments of greed and powerlessness for the grown-ups. With her little head, she wrote it down before she could clarify the facts, and wrote it down so that someone would forget something in the future, but when someone shouted pain, the wound was not found.
It was such a magical time that she became a witness to the history of this out of order family. And she was very late to know, these she accidentally heard, participate in the picture, like a root thorn, quietly buried in her heart;
That year my mother said to me, What dad? You don't have a father.
After her parents separated, she lived with her mother and brother, and met her father once or twice a year. In the meantime, she knew that her parents were always noisy, but she was always reluctant to divorce: "I wish them a knife and a break, and I feel that you just don't have any thing to do anyway, so I'll be more relaxed." 」
However, between parents ambiguous and complex exchanges, also do not totally hate each other, if there seems to be nothing, let her heart that love can only hang high, do not know how much should not be given, this time to give how much, next time will be gone; And to bear more of the disappointment of him?
But if you want to care about him, this person, or once or twice a year to remind you that you have such a father, and then he makes your mother sad: "There has been a long time we can not call the word "Dad", can only say "Taipei this person." If she said what happened to Dad in front of mom, she would say, what dad, you don't have a father. 」
So the girl was under martial law, knowing that she had a father, but could not seem to admit that she had a father. This is like the whole family's secret, we do not take out to talk, on the heart, along with childhood to puberty growth pain, little by little expectation can be digested.
Just in those whispering rooms, the girl one day or dream of father, wake up when she turned to ask her brother, you do not want dad to come back to live with us? The younger brother said hope, the girl felt sad, may sleep quietly.
He went home, but nothing left, leaving behind a large debt
Then one day, my father really magically went home. In Amazing College, dad seemed to break up with his aunt outside and went home to make good with his mother. Suddenly "de-strict", can be said to have a father, but a few years of emotional gaps, or let her do not know how to get along with each other.
"I can't take it as a very close family. When I got home, he was sitting in the living room, and we wouldn't say hello at all. He was like a stranger, and I was floating in the air and soon returned to his room. But she knew vaguely that her father wanted to work hard to get back into the role of father: "For example, he would buy me breakfast in the morning, even though he used to buy food that I didn't like." 」
It is only that this apparent state of peace has not lasted long. One day, she found that her father had failed to invest in business, with a large debt that the whole family could not afford: "We also found that he didn't seem to want to deal with it, he was a bit of a throwback." At that point, she might come home and bump into the debtor sitting on the living-room sofa, and her father would disappear. It was at this point that the mother finally realized that the relationship could not continue and finally ended her marriage for more than two decades.
"However, I always feel a little pity in my heart. It seemed that things were heading in a better direction. I've tried, I've wanted to give each other a chance, or i've given myself a less-than-regret reason. And the father's character, or this combination, like an unexploded bomb, may have happened, just sooner or later.
Their relationship, on that end, ended in that place, like a condensation. It's like saying that if there's no chance to go to a better place, we'll at least stop the fissures from spreading first. Now, she says, she hasn't been in touch with her father, and she doesn't know where he is.
"Give me a home, good or bad" I don't want to have nowhere to go
Girls grow up, also love, but also in the workplace shine. However, her proud self-esteem, but vaguely dating by something pain; she could not find the crux of the problem, until finally fell emotionally: "The last time I lost love, I was dumped." That's when I found out that I was sometimes very Lu in that relationship. 」
"For example, when the Spring Festival, I will not want to go home for the New Year, I will pull him, we go abroad to play, after the New Year to go home." I'm going to find someone who's going to defect with me and leave this family relationship with me. 」
The boyfriend of the year, although still younger than Amazing, but she still expected the other side can be a guide role, can tell her where to go next life: "At that time his own family also has some conditions, we are a bit like the disease connected, sad feeling." I would very much hope that since your home is the same, we might as well become a home ourselves. Then there are only two of us in this world, and the other complicated relationships don't come in. 」
She later learned that she had only been looking for a father's replacement. I asked her, then looking back now, would you know what was wrong with that kind of imagination?
"When you don't have a sense of native family impact, you think it's the object that doesn't meet your expectations. For example, it must be that he is not mature enough, he does not know how to deal with his own emotions, will lead to our disputes, he can not give in, or can not give me some appropriate guidance when I am confused. 」
"For example, if he broke up with me, it would become to me that it was not just about leaving a person emotionally; But that complaint is actually my dissatisfaction with the native family. When I was a child, dad left, let the child feel that he was left behind the one. You are active, I am passive, and for what I am to be abandoned in place: "That trigger edal, is very similar." 」
The same "ubiquitous father" presence followed her to the workplace: "My former boss was a man in his forties, about the same age as my father." I found that I would communicate with him when I unconsciously dodged, and there is no way to be very honest. But if I'm dealing with older women, I can be very comfortable and be able to pet with each other. 」
So she says it's important to have a native sense of family. For example, you will begin to understand that today this person leaves you, not that he is rotten, nor that you are not worthy of love, but that you are not suitable for you at this stage, or that your communication fears in the workplace are not from your lack of ability and mental weakness, but that you have a "parental illness".
But you can find this gap, you go to acknowledge the impact of home on you, believe me, you will really start growing from here.