Aware of the impact her parents had on her, Amazing decided to speak directly to her mother. And she says it's not really reconciliation, it's not about the other person apologizing to you. You just told him that I understand you have your difficulties, but I also have my pain. Then I'm going to take back my life decision, and I'm going to start growing up for myself.
"Life is a beautiful robe, full of lice" My father is those lice
During that childhood, when she was separated from her father, the mother also confessed to the children, not to speak outside about a single-parent family: "For children, we don't know to hide, we think this is the truth!" Instead, was reminded by my mother at that time, will the other turn to say, our business can not let everyone know? There seems to be a piece of incomplete, vaguely, imprinted on their own body, to be well hidden.
"Later in high school, I wrote a composition called Flea. When I was four or five years old, I had a flea on me, and my father grabbed it and took it to the bathroom to flush it, and he said the flea would die. In my impression, this was the first thing my father taught me, and that was how to kill a flea. 」
"So, I wrote this article, and the thing I wanted to say was that Zhang Ailing said, "Life is a beautiful robe, but it's full of lice, " and my father's presence is that lice. There may always be a flaw in your very complete life. She said, my father to me, probably my biggest at present, life to deal with the subject.
I said to my mother, your marriage has hurt me.
Beginning with the road to family repair, Amazing first realized that she would emotionally look for a father's replacement, and that loss of love evoked the pain of being abandoned again. She then decided to go back and tell her mother about it: "I told her that your marriage had had a big impact on my feelings and even my whole life. When I spoke, I suddenly began to shed tears, I said That I had actually had a lot of injuries before, but did not show. 」
"Before they would fight together, I would see my mother become not the usual calm mother; That's when I'll be scared of her. 」
Childhood scare, stay in the girl's heart, become a shadow. But she dare not complain, but also feel that she should obey her: "Because I will feel that my mother is so hard, she experienced so much, married a debt husband, not all have come through; 」
It was also at this moment that she suddenly knew that looking for more mental therapy, desperately trying to find an answer, may not be like a direct showdown with her mother. She felt as if she were challenging a "big demon" and found that what she was most afraid of was not her father, but her mother.
She said to her mother, I understand you have your difficulties, but I also have my pain. From one moment, she felt as if her home could be relied upon again, that she could no longer escape from a place she didn't like by falling in love, or find someone who could replace and protect herself: "It was me looking back at the source of the problem; But at least we can get back together and see how we can be better. 」
You don't have to reconcile with your parents, you can continue to hate them, but you can't continue to hate yourself.
I asked Amazing, do it take courage to say these words? Not all people can afford it, or are they willing to be so open to their parents? "But if you feel the need for courage today, it's because you're holding on to the expectation that when you tell them, they'll change, they'll admit their mistakes, and they'll start to be nice to you." 」
"It turns out that your decision is in the parents' mind; they can decide whether to listen, or if he doesn't admit it, you'll probably get more hurt." She said that when she chose to speak to her mother, the starting point was not to complain, but to tell: "You can think, you are holding a textbook today to prove that they "you are not a good parent"? Or is it just because I saw the impact it had on me, I went back to myself, I went to see more, and then how can I make adjustments in my future life? 」
She points to blind spots and says that to do it, in the end, to protect ourselves, to stop being hurt.
'If you hate, you can continue to hate, and you can't even contact them for the rest of your life,' she said. But don't hide it. Try to dismantle it and understand the past home, your hatred, and what parts of your life affect you now? Then you will slowly find the strength to make yourself strong again.
Talk about another love, practice loving yourself
Now Amazing has entered a more stable state of mind. The interview came to an end, told a long story, I think fang arrived at the coffee shop, she walked out of a car, is her current partner. So curiosity can't help but ask, after so many spiritual journey, now talk about this relationship, what's the difference?
In fact, she said, there was still some noise in the early days.
"When we first started dating, I would like to correct the mistakes I made in the last relationship, that is, I want to be a very intimate, not angry person. For example, he has some things that make me unhappy, I will not directly express, but choose to hold back. Or maybe when you get out of the car to go home, you will take the garbage in the car down, and especially to tell him, want to make him think I am a very intimate girlfriend. 」
"Or when he comes home later in the day, I start to worry, thinking if this guy wants to come back or not, does he take me seriously?" Are you now bumping into other favorite girls? For a moment, a lot of self-doubt suddenly appeared inside.
At the same time, she realized that it was like being a child always waiting for her father to come home.
But when you can see it, you can start a healthier communication: "I can tell him that if you're really busy in the future, you'll send me a message, and I'll be at ease." This process is, I see the source of anxiety, I did not put the responsibility on the other side, want to say that you are like my father's rotten person. 」
Amazing also mentioned that, in fact, partners do not have to do more, as long as the basic understanding and support, is a lot of power. But the premise is that you dare to make him understand and confess to his state: "When we first had a relationship, I talked about a relationship, I talked about family, and I cried." At first my boyfriend was very panicked, then I would just tell him, I am very sad now, you have to come to hug me. 」
"I used to expect other partners to know what to do automatically now, but now I know that it's not a shame that you speak directly about your needs. Thus, mature love, from no longer expect the other party to understand themselves unconditionally, but also you are willing to express yourself to start.
From home to love, and then from love back to yourself, perhaps all temporarily stuck in your life scene, behind a problem you have to solve. Amazing later told me that one day her mother talked about her father again, and she told her that some people were not really bad people, but that he really didn't have the ability to take on those responsibilities and deal with them.
Say a few short words, but with a lifetime of efforts in exchange for understanding. And we finally understand that your pay, will be sharp slowly grinding into soft, not to forgive who, but to be able to let go of the inner tangle. Not that he is not good, nor you love the wrong person, but from now on, can we catch their own life has been hurt, if there is hate, but finally can no longer blame themselves.