Two people have plans to have children, but are you really ready? What changes will this child bring and what kind of parents will you be? The counselor recommends that you discuss at least eight things with your partner before you become pregnant. You're not a perfect parent to welcome your child;
Having a child is probably one of the biggest adventures of our lives. It includes the happiness of your life, the anxiety of becoming a parent, or even the transformation of the relationship between the two, all of which can be complex emotions.
Indeed, to be a new bup, because never experienced, how will this child make a difference to life? Does it suit us now? Do we have to be fully prepared before we can plan a pregnancy?
If you have these concerns, we've compiled the advice from relationship experts who have consulted relationship experts on parent-parent websitesMotherlyandParents- at least 10 things you should discuss with your partner before having a baby. Raising a child is not scary, it's not so dreamy; The sooner we prepare, the more we can find the home we want. (Same-on-the-show:"Go long because you can deal with complex issues together" mature couples who discuss at least 8 things before marriage.
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First, why now? Is this the best time?
Suppose you have the option of having a child in your future plans, but the timing of the child's appearance is something to discuss. And there's no such thing as the right or wrong answer, the point of discussion is that you can make sure that you're on the same page, and you can take the opportunity to understand each other's values.
For example, family therapist Alan M. Singer, facing couples preparing to become pregnant, offers 92 topics, including physical and mental health, the health of relationships, and the extent to which they like to raise their children. And perhaps the best time point is not whether the money is ready or not, but when you all recognize that you have some understanding of each other's parenting values.
2. What changes will our relationship and life have after having children?
With children, your life will certainly not be the same as it used to be. Or, in other words, there will be huge changes. Relationship expert Terri Orbuch advises partners to talk about each of your expectations, and at least include:
Division of labour
Includes changing diapers, bathing, who takes care of the child during the day, when you may have to get up at night, and so on. Try to distribute each other to the extent that they can be done, and arrange the tedious details to reduce the extent to which these things bother you. It also prevents you from having uncommunicative expectations about your partner, which in turn leads to a negative cycle of failure, and so on. After all, taking care of the baby is a long-term war!
Here's a discussion of, for example, what are the order changes you'll have in terms of how you spend your money? What will be the child's physiological needs to the education budget? Where do we start saving? Wait a minute. Financial problems can cause you stress, but don't shy away from it or just make unrealistic assumptions. Prepare in advance, only for your benefit.
When you have children, you'll have a "third party" in your life, which is bound to change your relationship. You may spend more time with your child every day, and the topics you talk about, the focus of your life, will shift. But don't panic too much, try to share your inner worry and anxiety with your partner, and this is the beginning of your understanding of each other.
How strong are our relationshipnows now?
Psychotherapist Ashley Davis Bush says that children only make anything harder, so it's important to strengthen the relationship between partners first. He even explains that many couples often have an unstable relationship on their own, thinking that having a child can get closer to each other, but this is a misconception. Having a baby can put pressure on relationships, and if you start to be weak, it may only make things worse.
So try to have a health test on each other's relationship at this stage. Are there areas where you are particularly vulnerable and lack of trust; To find out these anxieties and doubts, and to discuss them bravely, for example, what solutions can we have? To be able to do this is a necessary condition for you to be ready to be your parents.
Four, how will we become parents?
On this issue, therapist Zach Brittle suggests discussing what the identities of "mom" and "dad" mean to you. What does it mean? In this process, you may begin to go back to your childhood experiences. We learn more or less from our native families and recognize some of the behaviors and responsibilities of being parents; you may feel grateful and respectful to your parents, but it may be the opposite.
And it's important that you understand why you're affected, and what's your favorite and least liked way to be treated in the past? Try to share this with your partner, and the discussion won't be completed at once, and it usually requires multiple cognitive and communication sessions. But the good thing is that through this process, you don't just unconsciously take over the role of parent.
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5. How will we take care of the children?
Next, we're going to talk about the distribution of childcare. Mary Kay Cocharo, a marriage and family therapist, says you have to assess how to balance the growing cost of living, and there's some common ground in on-the-job planning and child-rearing. What you can refer to here is your financial situation and your passion for pursuing your career.
If one of them needs to give up on staying at home, you will need to discuss financial and personal mood adjustments. Of course, you can find assistance in due course, such as a babysitter, a baby-sitting center, or can both parents' families also support it? It is crucial to maintain a frank communication and find a mutually satisfactory answer.
6. How will we continue to make time for each other after the birth of our children?
Therapist Zach Brittle notes that when the baby is born, he will need almost all your time, energy and love. This means that you are bound to spend less time with your partner. Therefore, you need to be more aware of what you have about each other, your trust in both sides, and so on, and have confidence in it.
With children, couples can easily become estranged without being careful, so try to manage their relationship soldering more often than ever before, trying to make a good or easy date together in a somewhat flustered life, and letting the other person know they still love him. You will be able to run a home of more than three people.
7. What if "pregnancy" becomes difficult?
In addition, of course, we have to discuss, if we are late to get pregnant today, what to do?
Mary Kay Cocharo, a marriage and family therapist, says infertility is a stressful and challenging barrier for many couples, but rather than quietly wishing to be one of the "lucky ones" who are not a problem, we might as well discuss the importance of having children in advance. For example, how would you feel if you were not pregnant? What are you going to do? What are your thoughts about infertility treatment, adoption or surrogacy? Try to understand each other's values and acceptancewith a more open mind, and most importantly, to keep your communication open, which can also reduce your anxiety.
What do you want our future to be like?
In this question, you can go a step further to talk about what kind of life do we expect of each other when the children grow up? For example, before they are adults, family tours may be planned every year, or the annual period may be an important reunion moment.
And when your child leaves home, you have to make some arrangements for your life. Talk about your expectations for the rest of your life, travel around the world, move to country villages, or have other career plans; whatever it is, talk about it so that you know what your dreams are even if you're being held up by your children for most of your time.
It's really an exciting thing to have a baby join your life, and you're about to experience a completely different identity. However, for this strange future, know that you always have a lot of uneasiness, worry about whether you will fail. These eight questions are just the beginning to help you understand each other's values of having children and to have more imagination about the future. The most important thing is that you remember the initial kindness and love; you don't have to be perfect, but you always believe that you can build a great home for each other.