Huang's brother made a phone call to his mother, sobbing at the beginning, leaving the mother at the other end of the microphone anxious. She kept asking, What's wrong with you? What happened? And no matter what your sexuality is or not, their conversation may have stung and comforted your inner child.
If the sky were to fall down, would you continue to be my mountain?
On June 3rd, a weekly magazine broke the news that youtuber Huang's brother's sister-in-waiting used a gay dating software to expose privacy without the consent of others, causing public outrage and uproar. On the same night, he uploaded a video of himcalling his mother out of the cabinet; he said that was not the way he expected to be public; but he would make the call because he was most concerned about his family in the first place. (Extended reading: A letter to The Huang brothers: The world is not good enough, thank you for your willingness to treat yourself gently)
And we listen to the scene of the mother's call, it is not just facing the cabinet itself, more often, is the child in the process of growing up, will always need to confirm that home, is still there? Still supportyourself?
"Mommy, I'm gay, I don't like girls," whether you're gay or not, as long as you've been a child, people will understand, to say this sentence needs how much courage.
"Mommy, are you free now?" an injured child, wondering if the family will be able to catch him this time?
If you notice, he felt the most frightening and vulnerable moment when the phone was on. Because he's about to put his expectations on his beloved mother - I'm going to tell you something, and I'm really worried that you're going to abandon me for it.
"Are you free now?" 」
"Do you have time to listen to me now?" 」
"I want to ask you, am I a proud son?" 」
"You know I love you, don't you?" 」
"So no matter what I get, you believe I'm the son you think you're, right?" 」
Five consecutive questions, step by step, he has to step by step to confirm that he is in a safe position.
At this moment, regardless of your sexual ity, whether you have been or are troubled with the difficulties of being out with your family, you may also feel him, and his questioning has stung a piece of your heart. Have you struggled and struggled as you grew up, and when you know you can't be what your parents expect, you'll need to be sure that their love is still the same?
It's no matter how old you look, such uneasiness and uncertainty can instantly pull you back to the scene of childlike helplessness.
So when the mother kept saying, "Yes", "of course", "yes", you see an injured child, really caught by the family picture. As soon as they came and finally confirmed their love for each other, the family was sure to be the strongest support station in the world, and the children had more courage to move on.
"You've always been my proud sister-in-law" If, at that time, Dad said these things
The inner struggle came from his fear that he would let his mother down, a child's very real emotion. The first thing he thought was, will I hurt you for it? But his mother did a very important thing, and she let the child know that the first thing I thought was, I didn't want you to get hurt. Other than that, I really don't care:
"I've said that whatever you have, I'll support you. 」
"What's there about (being gay)?" Are you wrong? What other people think I don't know, for me I don't think it's a serious matter. Because it's not something you can choose. 」
"I've known this for years, and I didn't ask you because I thought, "Whatever you are, you're my son,......, and there are a lot of parents who can't accept that your child is like this, but Mom tells you, I don't care if you're (gay). 」
"Well, don't do this, you need to know to be strong, and you must know to face things when you encounter them." 」
"A person's life is not very long, decades, anyway, mom still hopes that you live the life you want, you feel right, feel happy, do what you want to do." 」
"You've always been my proud son. 」
The mother received the child's uneasiness, and then tried to make him know, don't worry, I'm here. These ten minutes, all the words of positive and encouragement, are very important to a child; it can let the child know, "I am important", "I am loved by you", "Have me in your heart."
And the mother actually mentioned a key at the end, in fact, no matter what, I can only accompany you to a certain place, some way you will eventually have to face alone. So she asked him to stop crying and be strong, and behind that was a mother's concern for her child; she wanted to be able to make sure that the other person could be brave and reassure her. It is true that we will eventually leave our home to face a person's path, but before we set off, if we can get a few seemingly insignificant compliments, support and encouragement from our parents, it will be the most important calming agent for children in the future in the face of all the setbacks in their lives. (Editor's recommendation:"When You're a kid, Remember a Lifetime" 40 words that make children feel important in addition to saying I love you.
But if I don't have a home like that?
See this you may think, You are very lucky, there is a very loving mother, there is a need to go back home. And sometimes you can't get that, so what?
1. Understand your relationship with your family, you don't need to forgive anyone, but you need to forgive yourself
When it comes to relationships with native families, there are many articles that raise the subject of "reconciliation". However, the topic of home is deep and difficult, most of the time we only choose to put, as if innocuous, until one day, when you are vulnerable to fear of finding home, only to find that it is far away from you. So what should we do then?
There is also a saying that you don't have to reconcile with anyone at all. Because when we deliver expectations, it is to return your life choices to your parents; only you accept your relationship with your native family, not choose who to take with, but accept and forgive ourselves at the moment, which will be the starting point for us to find the next home.
- It's hard to reconcile with your family? Interview with Deng Huiwen: Accepting disappointment with parents is the process of growing up
- "The day is full of energy, the night is small and helpless" becomes a real adult, is to admit that he is an orphan after all
- Yang Yaqing: If you use the values of your parents to measure yourself, how can you not live to be their remake?
2. Find the corresponding group association, rebuild the support network, confirm that you still maintain the link with the world
Then we can find the community networks we need. Such as the gay community, the community of foreigners, or through friends, partners and so on feel that they continue to be loved and accepted. In these groups and relationships, you know that you can still connect with others, that you will be needed, remembered, and that you will find another sense of belonging.
3. Love yourself, establish self-worth, home is more than a form
Finally, the most eternal and strong power, in fact, still comes from their own. After having love from different groups and relationships, you also have to remember to practice accepting yourself and appreciating yourself. No matter who you are, no one keeps looking at you, and you know it's worth it. With this level of power, you will be able to rebuild your home.
- Adler Psychology for the Self-deprecating: Even if the past is bad, you can re-determine the future direction
- Without your parents' companionship, you can also become your own home.
- Back to the native family, also talk about a bad love: how do I get back want edipart?
Home has many forms, we are on the road to find a home, may also accompany each other through a period. And in the end, like the mother-in-a-few said before she hung up the phone, "It's all right, is there any thing to eat?" To eat normally, to live normally. Perhaps, the process of finding a home is not to break the ground with great fanfare, but to practice making every life better. Looking back, you've settled, you've come home.