Interview: "If a person has you in his heart, he does n'etre, you will know"

In April this year, Mr. Ho announced the end of more than eight years of marriage with her ex-husband. A lot of people want to ask, for example, what's wrong with you? Why separate, separate after the child should do? As if there is something difficult to master, a kind of collective anxiety about marriage, is met with the possibility of overnight gossip. There was no warning.

However, she says, why do something significant, such as domestic violence or an affair, constitute a separate reason? She said, if not wrong, marriage is because of love, is simply two people love, the other are accessories.

"And I knew then that he didn't love me anymore. 」

I thought she was going to tell a story about divorce, but she started by saying that it should be more like a loveless story.

The beginning of the relationship change: "A person has no you in his heart, you must know"

Two and a half years ago, her father passed away, and six months after her mother became seriously ill, and after a succession of life-issues, it was the time when she needed love most, but she felt that she and her partner seemed to be not as close as before: "In short, we seem a little unable to face these things together." 」

It's also a friction of life, and it's an inconorable concept, but it's all just a starting point; what really makes the relationship a hole is the close connection she found that she didn't know where to start: "We had six to eight months of consultation in 2018, about ten days to two weeks." Not very often, but I can make sure that he doesn't have the kind of love I have for women in a conversation with the counselor. And that goes against her inner ideals for a relationship, of a marriage.

I asked her, how can I feel that this person doesn't love you anymore? And she said quickly, let me ask you, how do you need to know what this person has done to you to make sure he doesn't love you?

"If there is no you in his eyes, you will know." A person who loves you, such as if you fall, he will hold you, but if you walk with someone who doesn't love you, when you fall, he doesn't know why he's either just not there or just getting better. 」

"In this relationship, when I changed my ring, i changed my earrings, I changed my hair, I was never seen, and I knew he didn't have me in his eyes. You know, every dress my ex-husband wears, I remember. 」

A series of signs, embedded in the details of life, became the last day she could bear to see. How hard is it to face someone who doesn't love you anymore? 'I still like him, but he doesn't like me, ' she said. He more than me more more more is a mother and wife identity respect.

In a marriage, can I ask for love?

However, the pursuit of being loved in a marriage as if it were a woman, someone would protest that you want to be too extravagant and too unrealistic. In the face of these remarks she only said,

"Who doesn't really want to be simply loved?" My name is He Hao, you have your name, in some corner of the earth, you will want to have two or ten people, can simply like you, just because you are you, you are so unique. 」

For her, it's a question of the proportion of emotional needs and choice, rather than a single answer: "Some people are born to rely more on their partners, some are more dependent on their parents, and some are more dependent on children." Like some of my friends may think that children are more important than husbands, so is she not a good wife, a good lover? Right or wrong, it was just that she felt that she had a deep connection with the child. A lot of times, we're tied ourselves up.

She always felt that everyone had their own uniqueness, that someone lived a different life than you thought, and that it didn't mean he was wrong.

And looking back on herself, she is also in this relationship, more aware of herself as a very important partner: "I think my relationship with the other half is good, will make me more motivated to be a good mother, a more beautiful, better woman." But I still have my motherhood, the ability to take care of children, and the ability to work. Even if I fall in love today, I'll go to work and cook for my kids. 」

She has been working since she was a teenager and is used to being independent. No one she can live her life well: "I don't want to take care of me every day, and hold me like a little princess." But as a woman, a life, you see my unique, very pure feeling. It's not that I have an identity. For example, because I am the mother of your child, I am a good wife, I am a filial daughter, so you love me, or respect me, or appreciate me.

She mentioned that a lot of people into marriage would say, My husband didn't look at me, but he had to give home, and he had to go home. She shook her head and said, "That's not" that's not what I wanted. (Extended Reading: Written after Ho's divorce: Choose to separate precisely because she knows herself enough)

I don't think I'm brave.

I said to her, it sounds like you are a very courageous person, some people are dissatisfied with their marriage, do not necessarily dare to leave. But she retorted that she had never been so brave.

"In fact, at that time, more insist on ending the relationship, but the other side. 」

I thought we were going to end up in the story of a successful woman who chose herself, but she suddenly softened down and said no, who had not been in love, I still have: "I know we are not suitable, but I did not say to divorce, I dare not." So i have a part of living in a more traditional constraints, as if nothing, how to mention? 」

"I want to maintain this relationship, because I have children, I can't help but leave this family, I would also like to say that there is a person around you can rely on, even if he does not love me, he can give me a stable life, two people are better than a person." I have this time, too. 」

I can't imagine how a person will be, unsure whether she can support life alone, and the fear of the unknown is frightening;

"I want to keep him because I still like him, even at the beginning of last year, when we had a big conflict, I still have a feeling for him. That is very simple like a person's feeling, you will feel that this person in your eyes is attractive, you see what he did, pull clothes to dial hair, will feel that he is so cute. That's the kind of like you can't control. 」

So she always felt that as long as she could get that love back, no more difficult problems could be overcome. And not so much that she can change for him, but that she can change for love.

That is, no matter how many times you quarrel with this person, you will still want to try with him again strong feelings.

What did she say I could do? We're all going to work hard for love, right? No matter how old you are.

Preview days without you: "I used to go to a friend's house, or to a restaurant to practice sleeping alone"

And then she did make a lot of efforts, but they were separated. To re-practice a person, she suddenly found that this is no matter how old you are, how many lives you have experienced, will be a moment of confusion.

"I told the psychotherapist that the thing I was most afraid of was probably having to sleep alone. 」

In the past they had been a family of four sleeping in a room, plus she grew up in bed, very slow to adapt to strange environments. So in the face of psychological separation of the perception, she wants to give herself more "exercise" time: "My initial approach is to go to a friend's house, the other side of the rental place is two rooms and a hall, I told him, I give you a month how much money, this room to me, I will come from time to time." Later I would also go to a hotel, just a business hotel near my home. 」

Walking to the side of the house, but assuming the family was about to disband, she said it was a way to keep her alive. It has nothing to do with whether she's out of work early, or if she's over forty; even now, she still needs to face herself well after a relationship is over, for example, because she knows she's slow, or she can't face someone she doesn't love, so she's prepared. You'll make different choices because you know yourself well enough. (Recommended to you: Always afraid of trouble? Even if you have a raincoat yourself, you still have the right to be parachuted down.

So when a lot of people say that she seems to be good quickly, but in fact she gave herself a lot of preventive injections a little more than a year ago, and of course today, she's still on the road to repairing herself: "I went to India more than a decade ago to do spiritual itys and also began to touch yoga, which helped me to come to the next big event, the heart can be calmed down." You see I seem to be good very quickly, but that is my long time to pay and develop. 」

'We're all looking for a float when we're already in a bad state,' she said. 'But the ideal state would be that you can store some future ability to resist low tides when you're happy.'

The road to repair is now, and she slowly begins to face fear after, and begins to see herown, or the answer to the relationship. For example, to begin to accept their own sentimental,

"Or find out that he has his problems, but it's none of my business." He has given me some good, but in the end you have to go back to a thing is, our happiness and sadness are their own, you can never change others, you can only change themselves. 」

Having been passively chosen to end the marriage, through the period of tearing her heart and lungs, she knew the wound had not yet healed, but had felt that perhaps it was a gift from another relationship. Because someone chose not to, she had to choose to be brave. And some in fact originally very important, such as she for love, marriage and gave up things, but also after she practiced letting go, slowly clear up. (The next interview, continue to look at her healing journey: What did you enter into marriage for? Interview with He Wei: Don't be afraid to leave the inappropriate relationship, find yourself)