Two people from meeting love to separation, at the end of the relationship, you may have a lot of things to be well reconfigured. For example, how do you face your children? They are independent life, Ho said, you need to face is that this man loves children, but no longer loves the child's mother. And you have to respect that half of the child comes from this person.
"Pig teammates are always friendly than no team, because a person can't eat enough" What do you enter into marriage for?
In the Republic of China for 100 years, many people got married. People count the number of weaving romantic imagination, a hundred years of good together, forever tied together, looking forward to wearing, whether to put on a wedding dress together, white flowers into this love myth?
And She and her ex-husband are one of the new couple.
They dated for a month and registered three months later. After getting married, she soon became pregnant and had a baby, when she was 35 years old: "Everything is going well, so fast that you don't think at all, is this what you want?" 」
"I later found that girls tend to have some particularly strange relationships between the ages of 28 and 30, or 34 or 35. Because that's the age at which people want you to get married, and you won't be able to have children without having children. That's what I thought. There will be fear, fear let you be careless by social values to manipulate their lives, and that is probably what we will hear people say, "pig teammates are better than no team friendly", "because one person also can't eat enough, two people put together better."
She looked back and thought that if the two had been in a relationship a little longer, they might not have entered into marriage. Because they will know early on that two people want a different future. However, I asked her, girls' anxiety about the "marriageable age" still exists, and how to solve this problem?
"In fact, your economy must be independent. It's not that you have to save a lot of money, or how rich, but you have the ability to support your self-supporting life, with the strength of the economy. Much like that, instead of worrying, you should start building your own support. You can expect a partner's day, a home of two or more people, but if it's going to be late, you don't want to just wander. (Recommended Reading: Does a Marriage Certificate make people feel safe? The economic independence after marriage is real.
If I leave you, I can meet my self more really
And in the days since the two separated, her mood has slowly settled down. However, this is not a journey with an end point, not "I'm fine" or "I'm not hurt anymore"; But you'll know more about yourself from every ups and downs.
After separation, for example, she found herself able to say something real in her heart: "As before, he would give me some advice from the business community, he thought don't touch politics or current events, don't touch controversial things, you just put the kids and you happy." But I grew up very angry personality, I am an outspoken person, then I will now think, why i will be led by the other half I want to run my platform? But these are all hindwords.
In front of her, a part of herself still exists in the past, a love she once loved, and some wounds are being treated. She'll move forward, and she's moving forward, but that doesn't mean she won't be sad. Think of this I asked her, recall once at the lowest point, what is the situation?
'It's just a time i don't want to think back,' she said.
"When we are at the most conflict, there can be violent quarrels and very relentless cold violence. It was horrible, for example, if you would be living under one roof with this person for one or two months, but you didn't have a conversation; But that person is the one you love the most, and then you are the parents of your child. 」
Not only do you not love, you will hurt each other. Beyond that, what made her more difficult was the unknown state at the time: "I knew it might end, but I didn't know what form it would end in, or even what kind of exposure it would be; For example, some people who live in a very poor environment for a long time are also at ease because they know that they are. But when war, poverty, or hunger come suddenly, you have more fear and fear. 」
These tormentorjourneys, until the day they are sure they are going to divorce, are like dust on the ground, and her heart settles; So how do you know you're in a better state?
"For example, I lost six to seven kilos in the last half year, and I just couldn't eat it; But since I've been signed, I've gained four or five kilos, and I knew I was getting better because I was starting to get hungry. 」
"I still cry now, like seeing a marriage-related movie, i'm sad and depressed. But when the time comes I'll eat. That way I know I'm better, I'm back on track. 」
Emotions are too long to be patient or supported by normal physiological needs. And perhaps not really good at the moment, everything began, but the so-called leaving the inappropriate relationship after the understanding of the real self, not necessarily what you actually began to do to prove what; Your happiness is self-inflicted, you even sad. Read: Farewell to divorce Psychology: Learn to Separate to Get Together)
Difficult problem after separation: He loves children, but no mothers
And when their relationship moves to the legal level, we think of many movies or TV dramas that have been performed, love each other, as if often tragic. And she had some different feelings about it: "The most difficult thing in the law is property and children." You need a long time to run, negotiate, and put it down. But a lot of things you sign, not 100 percent, dead in there. I think the legal meaning of divorce is ultimately a process where you have to trust yourself and trust each other. 」
It's about children, because they're independent lives, so she doesn't use the words 'how to distribute', or 'how to fight'. She thought more about how to re-establish a relationship between the four:
"What we have in common is that we love children so much, both good and bad. The good thing is that for children, whoever brings them, they won't feel like they're missing another one. But also because dad loves the child a lot, which is the most difficult thing for me to admit when our relationship ends. Because, he loves children, but he doesn't love their mothers. 'It's not easy to see and accept that,' she said.
"You both are the same and must respect the child you love now, half of whom come from each other." 」
It's a lot like she said before, she felt that all the marriage was about two people falling in love, and the rest were extensions. Children are also extensions to each other; Thus, these things that were once bred by love have a painful period of blurred lines and resets at this moment.
But the good thing is that, after she was separated, she began to feel that she could have a child-rearing independence: "In fact, we take care of our children in a very different way than we do about educating our children." I'm more liberal because I'm a kid growing up in a single-parent family of working women, and I'm a teenager, so I want to educate my children and they're going to be independent. And my ex-husband's mother is a housewife, he has been living with his family, he will be the two daughters of care, also follow. 」
"Like a child in school setbacks, I will be more neutral than the girl son-in-law as a princess show." But he would be more traditional, the child is a little sick, will be nervous, feel to treat immediately. 」
Two people with very different backgrounds and ideas used to be in a relationship with each other: "I didn't agree with him at that time, but I didn't dare say anything, so most of it was that I compromised with him." For a long time I would feel that I do not seem to have a name, I do not have myown, which makes me a little divided, but also caused me a lot of unhappiness. After the separation, however, she would begin to express her views, and she could take charge of herself when she was in her care for the children.
I stopped to ask a question, if today the two decided to continue to go, but in the perspective of education is not compatible, what can i do?
"As long as the primary caregiver is identified as the physical and mental integrity of his parents, he or she is the main person. This is the simplest. Because any relationship is very similar, right or wrong, just different habits.
Children will not because of who affects their life choices, because the mother has chosen to be happy first ah
From the past, they were the parents of the legal children; They try to make it change. She mentioned that children may not know what "divorce" is, but they will know that their parents have made decisions, so sometimes they will be separated.
I asked her if she was worried about how it would affect the child.
"All I can do is put myself in front of my children. A mother who is dedicated to the whole, who is dedicated to her, is to some extent a child's education and demonstration. 」
She talked about her native family. From childhood parents separated, she and mother live together, her mother is particularly harsh on her: "My mother will not specifically tell me how my father is, nor will I say I must be successful for her, how to do; Because of this experience of growing up, she felt like she wanted to change. (Extended reading: Is divorce a mother's selfish? He Wei: If a mother is injured, you can choose not to hide from the child)
"My child doesn't need to influence her life choices for me. For example, i think mother is very wronged, father does not love her, and then she has to do. Because my mother chose to be happy. 」
'A mother you're good to yourself, it's not selfish, it's the way you're good to your family,' she said. She wants to build trust and understand the relationship with the child, and the child is a complete person who can do whatever they want.
"And I want to say that you can never change someone, even your mother. My mom rarely praises me, so I've been in the acting world for a long time without confidence. Because my mom only picks my faults when i watch my show; she doesn't say, 'You're talking about your makeup, ' but 'you're not funny', 'Are you talking like that?' 』」
"But Then I know that if you look forward to his beauty, you will never be disappointed. 」
As we grow up, we feel our inner child when we are particularly vulnerable; For her, however, you're not going to ask your mother to give you a hug as an adult, because she may not be able to do it;
Once thirty-something, want to be loved her, let himself go through once. But there may have been some failures, all over the body, and now i know themselves again. Now in her forties, I asked her to come here and start to be more sure what she wanted, would she feel a little late?
She didn't answer me head-on, saying only that I knew I was going to get better, because i knew it was too late, and I didn't have a chance.
The road of happiness has always been a long dragon, and I know not sooner or later, she is ready for herself, she will be in the column.