Interview with sea moss bear, whether in relationships or sexual matters, you always feel aggrieved, constantly sacrifice. Losing autonomy in relationships is likely to fall into the so-called "clutch-baby mentality".
He looks at your short hair shakes his head, said long hair is more suitable for you;
He wants you to give up your job in a foreign county and city, and stay with him in Taipei, saying it's for the sake of a good relationship between the two;
He said to you from time to time:
"I'm all OOOOOOO, why don't you understand?" 」
"I love you because I love you."
"I'm for your own good.
So you were reluctant, or agreed.
You've probably heard the secrets of all kinds of business relationships, and they keep telling you that love is to give to each other and sacrifice each other, but sometimes you feel that you live a good life tired, so humble, over time, you even have no voice in this relationship.
We interviewed sea moss bear, trying to get some answers, he talked, said that when he was in college, is also a difficult to say the truth. Unwilling to open his mouth, reluctantly obeyothers, behind may hide a lot of anxiety, he also spent ten years, to know why in a relationship, live unhappy.
Harmonious intimacy, is I am willing to change for you, there is i don't need to change the self.
Can't you tell your heart, or can't you do yourself? First, let's talk about what autonomy is in the relationship.
Sea moss bears draw two intersections on paper, explaining that in a normal intimate relationship, people will hold a flashlight and follow their circles, so you know exactly what to do for each other and what they are. When we lose the autonomy of our relationship, the more you interact with each other, the more you will be in the self-shrinking part, and the flashlight will only shine where you sacrificed for him, and the longer you will begin to feel aggrieved and feel that all change is a forced sacrifice.
The issue of rights in relationships is also an issue of self-completeness. It's about whether you let the other party over-control the relationship, and when the other person can control your emotions, or even gain further control over your sexual rights, it means that once you don't listen to him, you lose a lot of things in the relationship.
"You're happy, I can feel loved" lost self-contained doll mentality.
So what does the loss of autonomy in a relationship reflect? At this point, he explains, the two sides may be caught in the state of the doll-clamping machine: one side throws money for remote control, one side gets the money's paws, heobeys his wishes to clip the doll.
"Whenever you (claws) obey each other's meaning, the other person will be happy, happy to continue to throw money into you, claws, although reluctant, can also benefit in the process." Ten dollars, may represent a sentence of "I miss you", make you feel loved, or may be a compliment, make you feel valuable. However, the reluctance of the process, in fact, the other side can feel, resulting in both parties are not satisfied with the relationship.
I said, there are the same problems in sex. The 2019 Women's Fan IG Reader Survey found that most girls ask ediles to wear a suit, but the other side always convinces themselves that it's often difficult for women to say "no" directly when they're sexually charged, on the grounds that they don't feel the heat, "feel the temperature" and "wear a suit."
The sea moss bear nods, in the emotional relationship, one side in order to let one party according to their own meaning, will continue to use hooks (for example) to hook people: "Forexample, he said "wearing a suit uncomfortable", in fact, the other side of the compassion, put themselves in the position of the victim. That's when you worry, if you ask the other person to wear it, don't become a perpetrator? 」
Finally you do not want to become a perpetrator, nod to accept the other side do not wear a suit, the other side also feel that this trick is feasible, according to their own desire not to wear, and then become a vicious circle. But every time you feel strange, you don't know where to refuse.
There is also a reason why they are afraid to say no, from the social indoctrination of women's ideas.
Dare not say no, because even girls "think" they want.
He interestingly asked the question: "Guess, boys and girls, which is more sexual separation?" 」
There were people in the room who did not hesitate to say that boys, some people say girls, and some shake their heads, feeling that it has nothing to do with gender.
"It's a girl. Someone in the audience was surprised, and the sea-tthan bear explained that some studies had calculated the synchronization rate between men and women who liked a person and had hope (the study only set heterosexuality). The study showed female/male subjects pictures of boys and girls, and tested heart dynamics and physical responses. The results showed that men had a 50% synchronicity rate, which is the body's emotional object, and half of them were their favorite sons, while female synchronization rates were only 10%.
"10% means that you may have a lot of hope for this person, but you don't love him at all. He then asked, "Why do girls think they love him?" Because the society keeps telling girls: the following wet, it means you love him, you want him. 」
When everyone thinks so, boys think, girls clearly have a reaction, why not love me, do not want me? Girls also feel, yes, I can't do well also want.
In fact, the truth is very good to understand, sea moss bear said, to appetite, a person hungry, does not mean that he wants to eat McDonald's or Burger King; The real idea of physical reaction and psychology is not entirely synchronized, as studied in the 1980s, but society continues to give false ideas.
The most harmonious sex is: when you are not hungry, ask the other person what they want to eat.
We still have to continue to ask, when encountered all kinds of hooks and buried misconceptions, how to create a happy relationship between both sides?
The sea moss bear said firmly, is communication. Especially prior communication, is necessary. Because when either party has an lust, one side is mixed with anxiety, semi-reluctant mentality, in fact, can not think rationally at that moment. So the better way is that we ask each other before we get to the top of the race: What do you want me to do if you have desire? If you don't want it, what will you tell me?
When you're not hungry, open up about it, in fact, you have anxiety in your heart, and you want to solve this problem, and then we think together, hungry in addition to eating Burger King, eating salad or pork chops can not? Then find together, their own happy way, such as the creation of gestures, when one party does not want to do, as long as a pass is good, or after communication between the two sides, do not want to wear a suit, then arrange an aids screening every year: "I have met a couple do not do protection measures, every two or three months will have sex screening, so ok." As long as an agreement is reached, whether you wear a suit or not, the most important thing is to protect yourself. 」
Can't communicate, ask yourself: Whose body is?
We should also talk about a situation where, in any case, the two are not well coordinated, each opinion, at this time what to do? The sea moss bear gave another solution.
He said he had recently learned a sentence:
Whose body is my body?
Like a magic spell, you ask yourself, "Whose body is in my body?" Every time this sentence comes to mind, you will be stimulated to think, whose? It's mine, isn't it? Then you realize, yes, I am the master of the body, and I can be the master of myself.
"You must ask yourself first. The other person can't force you to do anything, only you can force yourself. He said. If the other person wants to check your message, you ask yourself, "Whose cell phone is i?" When the other person wants sex, you ask, "Whose body is?" The other party has the right to choose not to wear, and you have the right to not let the other person in.
It's amazing, when you ask, the body will respond, so "my body I am the master" is no longer the slogan slogan, it is in you are about to compromise, first pause, pull back, reconfirm your autonomy in relationships and sex, do not do psychologically unwilling, just to make each other happy, or just to get ten dollars of love, because your body is yours.
Three ways of creative autonomy.
- Making links: Embrace yourself and take a serious bath is also a way to practice connecting with your body every day.
- Prior communication: sex, create two people's communication gestures, code.
- Leave the scene: If you find that the power is not equal, you can leave the scene, or other means to stop the other person.
About sex. Do you know what kind of animal you are incarnate about in sex? Point me to quiz!