Many, many distances are tragic stories, and today I would like to say a version, sandwiched between tragedy and romantic comedy. The distance is not so good, but not so bad, love can not overcome everything, but love can embrace the difficulty.
I've known L for seven years, I've been in love for four years, and I've been there twice. Living in Seoul, 1,348 kilometers away from Taiwan, and New York, 12,523 kilometers away, is what distance teaches me, starting with long periods of anxiety and countless thoughts.
In the summer of 2019, L took an F1 visa to the United States to study, from the moment of admission, two years of study, plus three years after working through OPT, five years of long-distance relationship, how the two people should continue to move forward.
Love is fragile in the absence of physical conditions, spiritual fetters are difficult to achieve a sense of commonality, the temperature of love words is very low, but the harm of bad words is very large, this is the most difficult part of the relationship if left. Looking back at the dramatic changes in distance that have produced relationships, I think there are three stages:
Long distance first stage: miss
The stronger the sense of separation, the easier it is to bring out a sense of powerlessness that is inexplicable, accompanied by this weightlessness anxiety, that is, the time difference and temperature difference in exchange for distance. Those months, I have to live well and hard, in order to live a poor life.
During that time I often wasted the whole weekend in bed, often thinking, when the relationship between two people even the simplest "weekend with me to visit the East End", "eat together this week" can not do, what is left.
Long distance stage two: dispute
The darkest moments in a relationship are when each is on an endless path, separation becomes the norm, promises are never fulfilled, and insecurity can easily stifle our original trust.
He chose to travel far, leaving behind people who should be gracefully supported, but of course it is the continuation of grievance, which lasts only to blame, and blame is the most unhealthy counter-attack.
The so-called non-violent communication emphasizes "observation, feeling, need, request", but over long distances, we exhaust all kinds of violent language to delay each other's powerlessness. I think, in the long-distance relationship, the love is not always the distance, but the distance derived from the alienation and difficult to be appeased emotions.
Therefore, rather than asking how to solve insecurities and contradictions in long-distance relationships, how to get used to having their own lives.
L and I in the long-distance interaction of the biggest breakthrough, we decided to put the problem, not to communicate on the problem itself, after all, in the never-change and compromise of things, we are difficult to determine, unless one party gave up their original life to go to another city, but this matter is difficult to be allowed in physical conditions.
"Unsolvable things, let's put it away, " I said to L, "if all the quarrels actually stem from the fact that I want to go further with you, then it's the least cost-effective decision to separate or choose a more violent way to hurt each other, and it's time to talk about how to separate the two places and live a good life."
Long distance stage three: independent together
To be able to come here is a mixture of perseverance and some luck.
The third stage, in more vernacular terms, is habit and relief, in part must be attributed to time, when habits drown in thoughts, you can day after day without his time and space, to find a way to survive.
Even if you still can't handle loneliness properly, as long as you find a new center of gravity, loneliness is only the occasional suffocation in the gaps in life.
Accustomed to separation, we began to think, what things can slow down the lonely emptiness, bring the joy of living together, after all, the relationship between the operation, sometimes rely on "together", eat together, play together, watch movies together, chat together, do anything together, when the distance almost deprives all "together" rights, we should always do something to keep feelings constant.
Sometimes "together" can be created, even if close to each other, the occasional deliberate romance is far more than the water into the scattered can maintain emotions, then the distance does not need some deliberate.
If you ask me what's unexpected about long-distance relationships, there are three things I can share:
1. Create the little things you can expect, far more romantic than you think
In the distance, the most important thing is to create links and set up nodes, that is, even if the seemingly long and endless separation, should be able to clearly know where the rest line is, give each other the reason to expect, so as to get through the normal miss.
L and I are used to having "the same dinner " on each other's birthdays, anniversaries and festivals, and while it's easy to agree on McDonald's, Starbucks and Burger King when you think about it, it's always like dinner in parallel time and space for two people from a distance, turning a boring fast-food restaurant into cute and romantic.
Tip: Writing letters is also a great way to create expectations, including handwritten temperatures, beautified words, and the time it takes to receive them, which can be more intimate than instant messaging for long-distance lovers.
(Extended reading: Really in love, long-distance love doesn't really exist)
2. Find the center of gravity of your life and embrace freedom in your relationships
A lot of times couples stay in the same city easily because of each other and idle, because tired together is the most comfortable and not troublesome decision, so we often give up other options in life, but in the long run that is not a good state.
Long distances are the best practice for embracing freedom in a relationship. We all know that the best love is to carve each other in the palm of your hand, and have the ability to get along and be yourself, to grow independent in our common life. Through the three stages of distance, I began to pick up life, pick up the idle and abandoned interpersonal relationships, put into work and self-practice, no longer indulge in grief.
Living a good life, sharing details with each other in daily newsletters, practicing positive expressions of love, finding their own stable way of getting along, creating sources of happiness outside of each other, independence in relationships, is the only way to travel long distances.
3. Take you to a distance you haven't been to
There is no doubt that you can fly from a long distance.
I never thought that christmas, at the age of 24, would be decided to fly to New York with the savings I had saved as a student.
Before I started the long distance, I made a wish to L, saying that our next festival, I wanted to see the sunset on the Hudson River, the night view of Manhattan, the style of the Brooklyn Bridge, even though I had no idea of these three places at the time, I had made a wish.
I have never had a chance to fly away from Asia, because L travels far, but also has the courage and the opportunity to fly across the Arctic Circle, to the dream movie scene - New York. After I turned the plane twice, after fourteen hours to break the 10,000 kilometers flight to see him, my heart sounded the melody of an old song, for you and I used half a year of savings, floating across the sea to see you. At the moment I just feel thank you for the distance, I can have the most romantic Christmas in my life.
Photo| Louise Lu Photography
Distance is not just a tragedy, it depends on how you define it
Often, long-distance stories are tragedies.
One summer saw the film "Six Cafes", Fujii tree in the film and the novel said: "Love will not be because of the distance and fragile, talent will." But this story uses the saddest ending to prove the fragile human nature of distance. If we don't believe in the end of the story, we have to believe something together, like meeting you again, and you're still what you were.
Must be very honest to say, I still hate long distance, hate jet lag, hate a person's Taipei, hate a person umbrella rainy day, hate technology without body temperature, hate no date weekend, hate no choice, hate practice loneliness.
And there are still many problems in the distance, I still hate not together everything, but in this, I think the only constant and thankful, probably even so, still only like you, so in so much uncertainty, I choose to pick up this difficult.
If we are afraid of separation in order to want to be together, then distance, it should not be the reason for our separation.