Distance is a double edge, some people say that love in front of distance, it seems insignificant, and some people say, because love, make distance become insignificant.

Because it's you, I'm starting to believe and I'm willing to work with you

In the first half of the long distance, I presented a sensitive state of being touched by mines almost at any time, on the one hand, because of the victim's mentality, always throwing myself into the ditch of being left behind and persecuted, and in every quarrel with my partner L, putting all the blame on him for deciding to travel away, while he was a pathetic waiter.

In long-distance relationships, the person who remains often derives the feeling of being "left behind", coupled with the dramatic changes in life, the impact of personality traits, a little more serious, easy to induce the so-called "victim mentality", this psychological state is easy to make people use biased narrow thinking, to think about their own existence, as if anything can hurt themselves, because these unbalanced feelings and burst out, is self-pity, inferiority, anger, fear and pessimism and other emotional reactions.

During that time, in the face of L's departure, I could not help but choose to blame, that time I could hardly feel the hardships of his life in different places, unable to ignore his decision, and even for his best comfort, but repeatedly stressed: "Now you are not with me, can not give me everything I need." 」

I remember spending a lot of time arguing and being silent, so small that we couldn't talk to me soberly because of jet lag, so much so that my grief couldn't be effectively taken on, because the estrangement derived from distance almost blocked our ability to perceive love. That's when I first learned that love is beyond the temperature and distance, so vulnerable.

Disappointment over long distances comes from not being able to feel the real love and companionship

The party left behind in the distance, remember not to grasp the role of the victim, even if the distance is a unilateral decision or at this stage can not overcome the difficult problem, you actually have the right to choose. You can choose to be together because of acceptance, or not to accept and separate.

Distance is a double edge, some people say that love in front of distance, it seems insignificant, and some people say, because love, make distance become insignificant.

What is it in love? Is it a complete catch on your emotions, or a hug deep into your soul? I often wonder what else we would do in a long-distance relationship, in addition to not being able to have actual close contact, and feel that the relationship is at stake.

Thinking about it, I think it's the emptiness that two people can't do anything about each other's needs. In the miss of each other, but even a "weekend meet, see a movie" are not exported, listening to each other cry about work and life terrible things, but can not gently wipe tears, quiet embrace of the sense of incapacity, will be unsuspectingly filled with every day of far away, all actions can show love and care, in the distance can only be turned into words, and language is usually the most ineffective and thin.

When you repeatedly want to take effective comfort from a distant lover, and a sense of solidity comparable to substantive companionship, you will only feel extremely disappointed again and again, the disappointment of the "state" can easily turn into the disappointment of "people", over time, disappointment becomes blame, long-term dissatisfaction into prickly communication, becomes the taboo of distant lovers to hurt each other.

Photo|Photo by Fast and Slow on PIXTA

(Extended reading: Sing for you| Why can't our love overcome the distance?

No one should be a waiter in a long-distance relationship

Several times, I and L quarrelled, those hurtful words blurted out, become the price of wordless words, we are both tired to feel that it is better to separate, but each after calm have to face the essence behind the quarrel, that is looking forward to being concerned, looking forward to the phone that fight some love temperature.

Even if there is no way to overcome jet lag, get up early every day to make enough phone calls, even on anniversary, there is no way to express concrete attention to action, even if there is no way to give physical companionship at a low point in work, even if two people's holidays are staggered, one person is busy, the other is traveling, these time and space difference, bring you a sense of loss, also comes from you always hope that in some of your difficult or beautiful moments, there is him.

The essence behind the quarrel is that you would have expected attention and love, but we were unable to communicate each other's expectations and work together to find a solution, but we were trying to make the other person feel sorry and upset, thus destroying the relationship.

Five exercises in long-distance bickering: stand on the other side's side and never give up lightly

Of course, long distances can't always be easy, long-distance communication can still extend into war, but quarrels in long-distance relationships, we have to think about a greater reduction in verbal harm, because the next meeting may be six months apart, no party can withstand the cold war or heart ties.

Through some mind methods, we can use communication instead of bad words, can change thinking, let quarrels based on non-violent communication, focus on understanding and then appease, rather than fighting for who loses and who wins.

1. Think of all seemingly "don't care" as "very concerned"

The weight of language is incalculable, sometimes understated tone, easy to be deliberately interpreted as indifferent, senseless, which is sensitive to distant lovers, as if the other side does not care about what they share, once a party said: "You do not want to listen to me at all." How the other side defends itself is hard to alleviate the feeling of being ignored at the moment.

If you're the sensitive person in a long-distance relationship, the best thing to do is to explain what sounds like care, all as care (which, of course, is based on mutual trust, and both intend to stick with it over long distances).

The two have been separated for a long time, in each other's cities have their own lives, coupled with the state and timing of the different, each face life has different difficulties, it is likely that there is no sense of tens of thousands of kilometers away from the sesame small things, human nature, should not be he does not care enough about your clues.

2. Whoever is right and who is wrong, both sides should apologize for the quarrel

L and I have a habit of remembering to apologize to each other when they have a good time, no matter how much they quarrel the day before.

Long-distance quarrels can't end with meet-and-hugs, so you have to draw a satisfactory end to this quarrel so that you don't leave a trail. I think no matter how steady your steps are, it's easy to spit out hurtful words in a moment of bickering, or not be able to think from the other side's side, so an apology is a review of the irrational self at the moment.

All the emotional damage, unless it is a huge and decisive mistake, the rest is accumulated, we can do is to reduce accumulation, the current injury, let us bear each other a little back, say "I'm sorry, yesterday I didn't take your position into account, said that hurtful words" can reduce each other's insecurity, embrace each other's chills, let the quarrel end.

3. Turn criticism into desire and discontent into positive needs

Arguing in a long-distance relationship, you will eventually find that all criticism, in fact, there are aspirations and expectations behind it, and dissatisfaction is the leakage of demand.

Over the distance, I often complained about L: "Why can't I even decide when to come back?" In fact, when speaking, I understand in my heart that behind this complaint is deep miss, and hope to see you soon. When the desire becomes criticism, the other side just repeatedly bear your negative emotions, from the original thinking of the original intention more and more far away.

It's better to express your needs positively than to express your dissatisfaction emotionally, for example, when I try to say to L, "I want to receive your handwritten letter, because that's how I feel about you." It is to turn the long-distance process of mutual cold uneasiness into a positive response, to provide solutions for each other, but also to take care of their own needs.

4. Don't talk about "breakup"

I met L at the age of 18, and I've been with him for years.

L said that growing up we can help each other's place is still very few, he can not light up the way forward for me, also can not prevent me from walking, but even if the distance is a difficult test for each other, we did not mention the break-up in the quarrel.

As I mentioned in my previous article, "If you are afraid of separation in order to want to be together, then distance, it should not be the reason for our separation", uphold this belief and will, even if the current situation is not satisfied with the extreme, never talk about breaking up.

Because each other's hearts understand that once one of these two words first said, even if the good, we will not be the original us.

(Previous article:Long Distance Love Exercises: What the three stages of distance teach me: "Together" can be created, distance does not hinder romance)

5. Let long distances be the starting point for strong relationships

There are so many tragic stories about long distances that we don't have to contribute another one. If love is a changeable end, then distance is just another pattern of change, the film "Sleepless in Seattle" says: "I like and get used to keeping a distance from what changes, so that I know what is the least time to abandon the rules." For example, love a person, full of variables, I then take a step back, quietly look at, until I see sincere feelings. 」

As for love, we don't know enough, so we have to try to distance ourselves from it, and some things, not so close, but clearer.

The real sentence I love you, occurred in the long distance after half a year, I still think about how to go with you that moment.