The appearance of love, is it a roaring, or a long stream of fine water? If you've been together for a long time, can you end up flat?

I believe: "The best love is not one, but each become the best of themselves." 」

After five years together, L seemed consistent, and at the age of 26, I could still see him at 20, the self-confidence that fascinated me, and the courage to speak up. He is the sunshine, he is the one who will remember the dream for me when I am about to forget myself after the passing. I think this is the most valuable place for lovers who grew up together.

However, lovers who grew up together, many years later encountered the biggest test is "change." The most difficult thing is in the change, still retain each other's original appearance, at the same time, happy that we are in the pursuit of life and survival in the process, gradually grow into adults of the angle.

Is "change" good or bad for long-term lovers?

We hit the ball back and forth. I think my husband's batting posture is a little elegant, I think I'm a little elegant too. This time, we all try to keep the game going for a while and find the best feeling for each other by giving each other the edge. " Modern Love" My marriage is a tennis match

This time, I began to feel deeply different from each other.

Including the expectations of life, the way energy is acquired, the style of conversation, the tolerance to catch each other, and so on, we always have parts that we can't understand each other, and I'm beginning to realize that maybe those parts will last forever. These differences make people panic, let people lose their own powerlessness, blame each other's carelessness.

I think the change in relationships, in addition to the sense of love that has passed away, also includes differences arising from different stages, different circles of life, and different goals in life and work. There's a saying that's almost seen as a dogma for lovers, and it's called you can't change. But think about it, the only constant in life is that everything is constantly changing, and how can a lover stay the same even if he is close?

"Must it be bad to change?" After a dinner, I had a serious discussion with L about it, and he said that I had changed, become less in need of him, more able to enjoy a person, and more confident than before. I laugh and say, you are also, you will begin to learn to be a worry- and worry-averse person, put away the play heart, began to be willing to put down only want to be a child's Rypi.

We've all changed. In particular, they don't get to know each other as well as they used to.

(You'll like it: I've changed | adult exercise questions, but the other half hasn't grown up yet!) 3 Ways to Walk Through Graduation-Breaking Anxiety)

Relationship Psychology: All "We're Like" are "projection effect" ghosts?

I said to understand, does not mean the understanding of daily life, not habits, not habits, but for each other's soul, you begin to feel what parts, it is difficult to empathetic touch, it is difficult to meet each other, it is difficult to say that "you know me", and you are deeply defeated by this feeling, there is a soul mate is no longer the illusion of soul mate.

There is a saying in psychology called "projection effect", which means that people often attribute their "characteristics" to others, explain each other's behavior from their own point of view, think they have some of the same characteristics as others, and project their emotions and wills on others, which leads to cognitive bias.

For example, in the early days of ambiguity, you often feel that this object is very similar to you, that you love the same things, that you have a lot in common, that you have a little in common, that your values are not divided, that you are almost a soul mate.

However, the longer we stay together, the more we will find blind spots under the "projection effect" of the past, and the more we feel that we are not alike at all, more about the differences in values and reason. "Projection" so that in the early stages of communication, we habitually take ourselves as the starting point to perceive others, lack of objectivity of the body, resulting in sensory bias, true similarity or not, it is often after a long time to get along, to determine.

Sometimes, the change after a long time together comes from the release of the "projection effect", and you find that your appearance is like an illusion, which in turn creates a great sense of loss.

Photo|Photo by PanKR on PIXTA

What if we can never fully understand each other?

There's a conversation in the Korean drama Run on that looks like this:

"We probably won't understand each other for the rest of our lives, will we?" 」

"Well, because we're different people. 」

"You have your world, and I have my world." But different worlds can coexist, right? So even if we can't understand each other, we don't need to be too sad, because that's an inexplicable thing. We just have to do what we can. 」

When we find that there are cracks in communication and barriers to understanding between ourselves and their other half, you can try three thought logics to help you manage a long-term relationship and focus on yourself rather than yearning for others.

(Same scene:"Relationship Diary" Korean drama "Run on": I hope you can love yourself a little more, so that we can stay together for a long time)

1. He doesn't have to be the one who knows you best, but the one who can be with you the most

Accompanying this matter is not easy to say. A lover can do this, is his innate ability, is his side of the puzzle, can be combined with you the best proof. Sometimes when emotions come, the necessity is not necessarily to fully understand, but know how to undertake well, how to do a good job of companionship, how to properly appease.

Lovers who have been together for a long time, while embracing each other's vulnerability, can not be too sad for things they do not understand; Therefore, when he accompanied you to the exhibition, shaking bookstore, you can be full of joy and gratitude, when you accompany him to listen to Wu Wei concert, or walk into the National Concert Hall, he can also because of your participation, more comfortable like their favorite things.

It is precisely because you are so different individuals that life can be filled with wonder, and because you have too much fear and ignorance of love and life, you have to have each other, so that you have more courage to face the next difficult problems. Understanding each other's differences is the value of falling in love.

Photo | korean drama Run On

2. He can catch 60% of you, and the other 40% can let someone else come

You may have 100 faces, how can you expect someone in the world to understand all of you? If there is, is lucky, if not, is business as usual.

Intimacy circle after circle of concentric circles, lovers in the center, balance your life, give you love and unconditional support, accompany you through the bumps of life, when you need, accompany and hug, understand your Chaimi oil salt sauce vinegar tea, listen to your work complaints, accompany you to face the native family, discuss the future together. This may account for 60% of that.

The rest of your soul, and the rest of your life. Family hugs 20%, friends T take 5%, friends V understand 10%, friends J inclusive 5%, friends R share 5% so that your relationships are more complete, you don't need to have a box treasure, put all yourself in him, your happiness depends on more intimate relationship management, you can be a more complete person.

3. The best love is not to be one, but to be the best you can be

Finally, it is also concluded with a line from the Korean drama Run on:

"Who do you think is the person I'm going to live with all my life?" 」

"Am I going to do this?" 」

"It's not you, it's me." And yourself. Therefore, to take good care of themselves, injured to repair the wound. I most want to get along with myself, I don't want to love myself too much, I don't want to abuse myself too much, I take balance as my life's work, I hope you also love yourself a little more, so that we can long-term, healthy together. 」

Take care of yourself before you love. Long-term relationship management, is not particularly easy, we are still in love to learn how to keep their own at the same time, to accept each other's differences and imperfections, we are still in the mud of their lives to find a way to catch each other, but also because of the little things and laugh, because the world's madness and unfair hugging, because millions of small things can not pass rebuke each other, will continue to grow up together in the long years.

Chen Xue said: in that mutual see, expose each other, and from this to see each other at the same time to see their own process, meticulous and slow is necessary, patience is the premise, tolerance is the secret, let each other freedom is the element.

I love you because we can all be ourselves in love.

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All the relationship things, are things we care about, may we together in the way of maintaining the relationship, more free.