Why do some people become more and more distant after cohabiting? Originally wanted to let each other "tired together" good intentions, but become the reason for separation?
"Why do you choose to live together?"
"Wouldn't it be boring to stay together every day?"
"Has there been any change between you after cohabitation?"
In the face of her friend T's endless questions, I felt her curiosity and worry about the subject of cohabitation.
I asked T, "Do you want to live with your other half?" Unexpectedly I would reply so, T somewhat quipped, "Think, but now she is facing the hesitation of not living with her other half, and whether "cohabitation" will make the two people's strong feelings, into plain anxiety.
Indeed, if you enter the word "cohabitation" from the search engine, most of the key words that appear are "cohabitation problem", "the cruel truth of cohabitation", "cohabitation is the grave of love" and so on, it can be imagined that many people choose whether to enter the pre-marital cohabitation.
This makes me wonder if the real core of the question is: "Can a partner maintain the purity of love after being honest with each other?" So, do we want love, is a roaring passion, or a long stream of love?
Photo|photo by Fast-Slow on PIXTA
Take myself, for example, with M for 8 years, cohabiting for 4 years. Some people will ask how we maintain a close relationship, to be honest, this journey, not plain sailing, which has experienced a lot of friction, quarrels, the only constant is the "unwilling to let go easily" persistence.
As for those levels encountered in this process, I would like to share them in the "Three Tests":
First, from the sentiment stretch to see two tired
Partner cohabitation, the most pleasing thing is to remove the obstacles in time and space, finally can be tired together all the time. Home is the best place for two people to date. Dine together, set up together, catch up together, and fall asleep at night. Every day, it's fresh.
But do not know from which day, the two no longer do anything special together, anyway, in the same space, that warm feelings, began to turn flat. After the meal, only care who will wash the dishes; You find that, in addition to getting used to "having someone to live with", there is also a sense of disgust that "someone is robbing you of resources".
Second, life habits are not the same
When you start cohabiting, emotional filters can mask each other's shortcomings. But with the longer they get along, the more they love each other, and the differences in their habits will begin to surface.
To give an example of my most frequent dispute with M, it's toilet paper. M because of allergies, so the amount of toilet paper is very large, in order not to waste resources, he often blows his nose, put toilet paper on the table, left for a moment to use. However, cleaning habits such as me, see a pile of toilet paper on the table, often burning in anger, and finally evolved into a constant quarrel of the fuse.
(Extended reading: Is relationships getting worse after cohabitation?) Four practices for maintaining close relationships )
Third, the emotional boundaries are blurred
Before entering the cohabitation state, everyone had their own pace and space, but after cohabitation, the two were tied together for a long time. Not only overlap at the item level, but also the blurring of emotional boundaries. Today, the other side in the field of work was angry, in the not yet deal with their emotions, the other half, may sweep to the end of the typhoon.
Those who can not self-digest, place the unhappy, anxious, sad, may be thrown to the other half, gradually two people will only feel the energy downturn, or even exhaustion.
In the face of the above problems, how to operate cohabitation relationship?
Uniquely, Youtuber Liu Man also released on the video platform "10 lessons to learn to live in a trial marriage", she talked about her and her boyfriend to try marriage premise of cohabitation experience, very suitable for long-term intimate couples to watch, and then I would like to combine Liu Man's point of view, as well as my four years of practical experience living together, and share with you, how to solve the above encountered "cohabitation problem."
First, don't let the long time together only to wear out
Many people live together in the hope of "getting tired of being with each other for a long time", but many people can't go on because of "long" relationships.
Therefore, my advice to you is that staying together for a long time does not mean really getting along, you need to find the node of business feelings.
In Liu Man's film, cohabitation makes the time of business feelings become very scattered, in the past, although she and boyfriend Nini is long distance, but also because of distance, so that each other's time has a "regularity", the two may be fixed in bedtime for "talking time", but after cohabitation, become accustomed to.
For example: when one party is sharing a heart, the other party may be playing with a mobile phone, so for the person sharing, do not feel self-interested, and gradually do not want to say?
On this point, I am similar to Liu Man's point of view, which is to "focus on the time the two people spend together". This time does not have to be long, can be a good meal, or every weekend to make an appointment to catch up with the play. To do this, don't let the joy of cohabitation become the reason for separation.
(Same show:"Love is temporary, relationship is a lifetime" 3 exercises, to you who have been dating for many years: don't use familiarity as an excuse)
Second, respect the differences in each other's lives
Everyone comes from different families, and it is to be imagined that their habits are different.
Liu Man's advice is simple, but it is not easy to do, that is, understanding and mutual cover. The film mentions that if you just don't let go of every detail for a long time, and the other side's anger, one day the other side's attitude will only change into: "Oh, how, you are angry again, angry it!"
So, let's say I don't lose M toilet paper again, and I can help him concentrate or throw it away, rather than just freting. Things are very small, rather than scolding each other to the dog's bloody head, we can choose to "communicate", do not use anger as a bargaining chip.
Photo|Photo by Aung Soe Min on Unsplash
Third, let your partner know your status
Cohabitation blurs the emotional boundaries of each other, so we may pass on emotions to our partners, or even put them in a slump together. In this case, I suggest that when you experience emotional instability, you can take the initiative to inform your partner and ask him to give you time to digest.
I remember one time, when I was in a state of collapse because of a bad time in the workplace, M, who didn't notice, wanted to share with me that something interesting was happening to him today. At this point, I can make two very different choices, one is to collapse directly and vent my emotions on M, and the other is to say to him, "I am in a bad mood, can I be alone?"
Direct collapse can allow negative emotions to vent, but invisibly damage the relationship between the two people, M will get bad emotional feedback, perhaps the next time he has something fun, interesting things, will not be willing to share with me.
Let your partner know where he or she is, and be able to keep his emotional space for a short time, comb well, and let the other person know that you need to be alone during this time without disturbing you for no reason.
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All the above said, are hope that all the lovers who decide to live together, you can know that two people can walk together is not easy, do not let "do not mind", "don't care" become the reason for separation from each other. Whether you're new together, cohabiting, or married, the most important thing is to communicate, actively coordinate, and take a step back from each other.
Intimacy into trivial daily is the norm, if in the normal, not by Chaimi oil salt consumption, but to become a solid backing each other, common growth partners, then even if the rest of the long life, you will know this love, has been.